Published February 21, 2014
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Timmy here for a review!
Nitpicks
Ok, so my nitpick with that would be that is seems... unorganized to me. The lines seem like they drag on into the next, and then that one drags on into the next, and so on. Maybe you could do them similar to this?
Just a suggestion.
Favorite spot and style
Your poetry is always so random and always about weather! I love your descriptions. They are so vivid! This tells a really cool story, although sad. And you tell it very well. Have you been hung up to dry before? This seems to me like someone just broke you. Like someone hurt you deep.
My favorite part would have to be...
That is all I have for you on this poem! Great job, like usual Weather!
~Timmyjake
Thanks that was helpful
Hey, ajruby here!
I really love the imagery that is posed here but just a few suggestions...
1. The flow, even for a free verse, is a bit off here. Certain lines just don't go together very well.
2. "Tiredness progressed to a disease sleep
couldn't cure." That line was rather confusing to me. Perhaps you could just add something like "to a disease that sleep couldn't cure" instead.
So overall, I think this is pretty good but making it more clear would really help. Good luck!!
-Lady Ariana
I see. Thanks
Hi Weather! Okay, so I'll forewarn you that I tend to be a very picky poet, and this might translate into a rather critical review. You have some really nice concepts here - there are places where the subtlety of the writing is really what makes it work. Unfortunately, these tend to be sandwiched in between melodrama and cliches. There are certain elements that are wise to avoid in writing unless you use them with a lot of tact - for example, the stabbing through the heart or the descriptions of blood. They are so commonplace as to appear dull, overused, and unoriginal. You also have some lines that are a little too direct ("They stared deep into my soul,/losing myself in your vast sea.") in portraying imagery. It just seems very two-dimensional, and pulls you out of the poem a little. This is also due to a hint of cliche here.
Overall, this poem has a lot of potential, and is just a little weak in parts. I think that if you tweak it, and perhaps expand upon the complexness of your imagery, you could have an outstanding piece of poetry here. The last two lines especially caught my attention, and struck a beautiful final chord.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Okay, thanks.. I'll look over that.