Published August 25, 2011
The Heart,
beat, beat, beating
in our chests.
Housing our lives;
our loves, our passions.
Hiding our hates;
our lusts; our discontempts.
Not without toll
do we take
from our hearts,
waiting for our memories
to recollect time
and reveal
inner follies.
In a better world,
the heart would
be a vessel,
able to transport
good from one
to another.
In the real world,
the heart cowars
as our lusts overcome
our shadows and
turn the vulgar
and obscene
into the norm.
Guess what? Yet more poetry! I'm thinking I'm sensing a pattern with my poetic inspirations here... Oh well, tell me what you think.
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138,424 Literary Works • 672,118 Reviews
Good job! My favorite line: In a better world, the heart would be a vessel,able to transportgood from oneto another'. It was really deep and I enjoyed it. Keep writing!
Nice poem, just a few capitalization errors I'll like to point out;
" beat, beat beating
In our chest.
"and obscene
Into the norm.
Also in the last stanza,
" In the real world,
the heart cowars?, I don't get the meaning of that line or what cowars mean.
Hi there!
All right, my comments are in red below.
This is a good poem, I enjoyed reading it! You put a lot of emotion into this and made me look at the heart in a new light. Good job! Your imagery was great and the poem had a definite rhythm to it.
Overall this is a good poem. Keep writing!
Hello! I like your poem. It's pretty gritty, but I like that cold slap of reality grunge feel you have going on.
You also have a good structure. First you explain, then you expand, you point out a problem, and you give us the answers. Well done.
Nice work, good concept. Keep on writing!
I'm a bit of a semicolon stickler. And what I see here is a gross violation of semicolon rules. Commas work just fine here. I'd change them.
Cowers*
You've got a pretty powerful final two stanzas here. Like really, I agree whole-heartedly (no pun intended) with the idea you put forth. Now if only everything leading up to those stanzas were just as powerful! It started weak and ended strong, so see if you can tweak the beginning and see if you can turn it into something beautiful.
KF
what a nice poem,i really liked it:) the way you expressed everything that is in a heart,everything we convey in it. once i started reading i couldn't stop and once it ended i found myself reading it again.nice job!
LOVE IT! such a great poem! I love how you were able to use imagery in an effective way that increased the flow of the poem. The stanza size was ideal! Your organization of events was perfect, it lead the reader to envision, then recognize, then fantasize and then reality. Great experience! Keep up the amazing work!
I really liked how you phrased this poem. It wasn't too light and airy yet it wasn't too dark and mysterious. It was just what I needed today(: I couldn't find anything wrong even though I read it three times. Great job and keep writing!