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Young Writers Society



Happiness

by TheTwilightDog


I like how the sun shines everyday
I like it when my friends and I play
I like my dog who is very nice
And I also like sucking on ice (lol)
I like to dance and sing with my friends
The happiness never ends!
Well sometimes I am very sad
And I am sometimes really mad
But I try to be happy most of the time
That's why I made this rhyme!

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106 Reviews

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Mon Jun 01, 2009 10:13 pm
nixonblitzen wrote a review...



Hello Twilight Dog! Welcome to YWS.

So, ditto on everything Juniper said.

This poem doesn't have very good rhythm. I find it helpful to read my poems aloud. It usually sounds different aloud than it does in your head when you're writing it. Look for which words are accented when you speak out loud. Are they the words that would be accented in natural speaking? For example, say these lines out loud:

I like my dog who is very nice

And I also like sucking on ice
Do you see how the second line feels like it's trailing off at the end? Now say "And I also like to suck on ice" instead. See how "sucking" has the accent on the first syllable, but "to suck" has the accent on the second syllable? It sounds better with the accent on the second syllable because of the rhythm you've created.

The last two lines were my favourite! I would change "That's" to "That is" to make the rhythm better.

Good luck!
-Rachel




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Mon Jun 01, 2009 12:34 am
Juniper wrote a review...



Hey there! Juniper here!


So, I think this poem is a cute, creative start, but it's honestly easy to see that you are pushing the poem for rhyme and rhyme alone. :P The theme of this is happy (which makes me happy!) but, I think that you need to restructure this so that your ideas kind of flow together and connect!

You can use this: http://rhyme.poetry.com/ to help you find rhymes for poetry.


I think it's a cute start, definitely. :D

Also! YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy; you should really review two things for every one piece of work you post.

Juniper ;)





Remember the rain that made your corn grow.
— Haitian Proverb