Published October 12, 2010
A rather simple poem I wrote about a girl. Hope you guys enjoy
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Just like a rain storm, she's
Advancing across the sky,
Circling above my head,
Quietly waiting for my reaction.
Underneath my shelter,
Everything is safe and depressing, much
Like being a fish in a muddy river.
I need the water, but I do
Not want to risk
Electrocution in order to take a drink.
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Before you say it, I know the structure is a bit weird. But the first letter of every line spells the girl's name, so I had to try to fit it into that. Keep that in mind when (or if) suggesting revisions.
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I liked this, especially the structure and the simplicity of the poem. There was nothing forced, nothing exaggerated, something I usually see in these types of poems.
Nitpicks:
What do you mean by 'safe and depressing?'
In my opinion, this stanza stood out, and was a nice ending for the whole poem.
Overall, good job, keep up the good work
This is impressive- I am never able to do things like spell out a word or name in the first letter of every sentence because the restrictions are too much for me. You did really well, and I like the writing style.
Poems that spell out a girl’s name are a very romantic thing to do, but it's also very difficult. Congratulations of achieve such a work! I hope you’re planning on giving or reading this poem to Jacqueline.
I enjoyed your relations to nature; a rainstorm in the sky, fish in a muddy river, water. I loved it.
I also liked your “Everything is safe and depressing”. This was very relatable to me, for I know how it feels to be safe but depressed.
I’m sure this poem comes from the heart, and it may only mean something to you and that special girl, but other readers may not understand what kind of relationship. This would not be a poem that would ever be published, but possibly a special bond between you and this girl. There’s not much you can change without changing the line order and misspelling Jacqueline’s name. And I’m sure you wouldn’t want to change that.