The Sun Children V - The Princess' Crown - Chapter Six

Chapter Six

 

The Fall of Arzutare

 

 

The Court of Lord Larinian stood high amidst the ring of fire that tore up the trees at the base of the hill on which it lay. The minions of the old fortress rushed recklessly through the dark halls of the Court, cold and grey. The flags now caught high in the breeze that came with the rush of fire that spewed heat into the night air. A shaken Lord watched the inferno from high up in the eastern tower before turning away in distress.

 

***

 

As tension grew on Ringwater, Ember now faced the daunting task of running through the city to get home before Larinian deployed his forces to search for her. There were many citizens who had walked from their homes to witness the bright burning court across Ringwater Bridge. Ember steadily ran through them with many noticing her hair drifting through, alerting them of her presence.  However none ran after her for they understood her attempts to bring down the authority which hung over the city and they endorsed her efforts.

 

Around a corner she pulled her hood back over her head and slipped into a small passage between two streets. Breaking out into the next she then turned and saw a glimmer of a fire-lit river flowing by behind the end houses. Her own street was now in sight through another alley.

 

Cobbles pressed into her boots as she saw the relieving sight of home with its moth eaten curtains drawn. She threw open the door and fell to her knees in exhaustion inside, then slammed the door closed behind her.

 

 “Come, rest whilst the army musters, there is still time to reconcile here” she said softly, helping Ember up to her room and leaving her to lie down on her bed. She closed her eyes without falling asleep and there she lay for a short while.

 

***

 

The guards of the Lord’s Court rushed up to the central tower between the three larger ones. It was an island amidst three walkways which overlooked a round, entrenched courtyard below.

 

Great doors of metal were sunken into the wall and they were opened into a narrow passage with a stairwell the ascended into another chamber. It was from there that a large round hall was reached where at one end was a throne of dark stone. A fearful Larinian paced about before it, his hands on his head in panic. He wore a long black cloak under which was a dress of chainmail covered with a black tunic. His face was matured and his hair was of black and grey colours which matched what he wore.

 

He then dropped his hands to his side and turned quickly to the sound of his hall’s doors opening. The approaching guards looked about at fearsome statues holding up the ceiling and the dark glow that came from a single light in the centre. Their gaze then fell upon the Lord who frowned at them with intent.

 

            “My Lord, the sun child is here in Arzutare! What shall we do?” one asked.

 

Larinian looked behind him to a group of black armoured knights with more ornate armour than ordinary Arzutarian soldiers. He beckoned them to block the doorways whilst he spoke.

 

            “As a guard of my court, is it not your duty to protect me?” he asked in response.

 

The first guard bowed and the others quickly followed his example,

 

            “Yes milord, we swore to protect you and will see it as our dying duty!”

 

            “Then tell me, if the sun child is out there n threatens my being and authority, why do you not pursue them to end my fears, to protect me from their evil and malicious intentions?”

 

            “Milord, we…we came here to keep you guard, to make sure no evil reaches your doors!”

 

Larinian then looked to his elite guards and signalled that they raise their swords to which they did so in silence.

           

            “I have my ‘black commanders’ to protect me from any who threaten my life...or my trust…or go against my word!”

 

Larinian raised his hand at which the black commanders lunged forth with their swords and struck down the guards who he deemed cowards and traitors. They then dragged the bodies away from the Lord’s sight as he began to pace again. One of his elite guards then emerged, cleaning his blade with a cloth.

 

            “What do you bid we do, Lord Larinian?” he asked. Larinian took a breath and nodded his head as an idea formed in his head.

 

            “Send word to the tower masters, they must ring the bells and alert Koren of our need, tell them the sun child has come!”

 

***

 

Hanron’s figure emerged from a growing darkness in the sky and his shadow fell under the lamps outside the stables. He gazed across the gently swaying grass banks in the complex and drew sight upon the towers of Koren, lit by torches in the night and what he had called home for over forty years.

 

The doors were opened before him and Sharla and Karnon were stood to greet him with the others coming from their horses in the stables to join them.

 

            “We are all here and the night draws in. In an hour or so the revelation of our time shall happen. Long have many lived to see the downfall of this autocracy and upon the sun Childs return shall its mask of power slide away through its growing corruption.”

 

            “How can we be sure she’ll succeed? She’s never been into the world” asked Dialar

 

            “Not to offend your sister, Sharla, it just seems as if she will struggle”

 

            “Ember is intelligent, well, I taught her most of what she knows and she has never let me down, and she won’t now…she can’t” answered Sharla.

 

 

            “We need to get ready to leave, I suggest we go and stand by our horses and wait until the time comes!” Hanron then suggested.

 

            “What are Larnkor and the other archers doing?” asked Theran

 

            “They’re going to make sure we can ride through the streets of Arzutare with nothing to stop us reaching its high gates. It is a task of valour which they are to perform and one which will likely cost them their lives, but for the rise of the sun child and fall of Arzutare they are prepared to lay down their lives”

 

            “Sharla” said a voice behind.

 

She turned around and saw Theran stood in her shadow on the hay covered floor and he hugged her warmly.

 

            “I don’t mean for this to sound so sentimental but what I say is true, I will follow you to any end, you have trusted me enough to allow my freedom and I can only repay you with my loyalty” he whispered in her ear. They both pulled away and smiled at one another, a small tear forming in Sharla’s eye. They turned and walked to their horses with everyone else who passed looks of anxiousness between them.

 

Sharla went to her stable and stroked her horse on the nose. A sign above the stable door read the name ‘Anaril’ which meant ‘brave spirit’ in old Arinalgarin and it would soon be time to see whether the magnificent creature lived upto his name.

 

            Sharla walked round to Anaril’s side and held her head against it whilst stroking his neck and running her fingers through his mane.

 

            “Come on Ember, come on!” she whispered.

 

Sharla then pulled out the golden ring she had received from her sister and tied her hair into a ponytail like her sister’s and looked at an Arzutarian helmet which was attached to her saddle as was everyone else’s. her head rested back onto Anaril’s side and even his heartbeat was quick for the tension in the room was so great.

           

Then came moments of silence and reflection of all that had led up to this. Everyone stood by them selves, either looking to the floor or across at their opposite companions. Karnon tightened the strap around his sword on his horse’s saddle. Valan made sure his book was secured in a bag on his. Hanron held his horse’s nose gently and watched the front doors of the stables as wind blew under them and scattered about strands of hay over his boots and his horse’s hooves.

 

He took a sigh and a breath to release tension but the horses could sense something was wrong and began to stir slightly.

 

A thunderous ringing from far away them occurred. A long droning bell which cut further into one’s soul that that of Koren’s. the sound penetrated the stone walls of the stable made Sharla cover her ears for a moment until she realised it was no use.

 

            “That’s the bells of the Lord’s Court!” shouted Hanron

 

            “She did it!” said Dialar.

 

            “Of course she did, she’s my sister!” Sharla responded.

 

Karnon folded his arms and gave Sharla a nod of gratitude.

 

Shortly after the bells over Ringwater had rung then too rung the great four bells of Koren and they rung in unity a pitch which made small stones on the floor scatter a little.

 

            “When the cavalry comes to the stables we burst out before them, follow me and we shall ride along the spoken route!” Hanron ordered. He then mounted his horse as did the others and he issued another order.

 

            “Wield your helmets that you’ll find on your horse’s sides, we’ll need them so that we won’t be recognised!”

 

Without hesitance the companions lowered the metal cases over their heads and saw the world though the eye holes. Sharla was a little more reluctant but eventually she tucked her hair up under the helmet she now wore. In her mind she heard her breathing get heavier and she felt it too as shouts came from the distance.

 

 “Now we wait” Dialar said quietly and he stared over at Valan who seemed not to look bothered by the situation.

 

*********

 

Through the fog the red knights came,, their swords held high, cutting through the mist and smoke.

 

            “M…Men, protect your princess, push forwards for we must reach the gate!” said Maharl in pain. He felt a breeze as the silver knights rushed past him, leaving few to protect the civilians.

 

Both red and silver forces collided in the water before Sapphire who watched her men quickly become overpowered but they held their ground through their line of shields.

 

Vahil came to her side and watched in shock as from the mist more and more Argarians appeared, further blocking their escape.

 

Sapphire looked at him in worry and he saw that she wanted to help.

 

            “I can see it in your eyes, the need to protect your people…but you mean not to use blade or shield, do you?”

 

She shook her head and looked at the battle before her.

 

            “I need to get them out of there, this is a battle they cannot win…but I can!” she said.

 

            “Men of Nyshuhria, fall back, fall behind me and lead the Argarians to their demise!” she shouted across the fog hidden road.

 

No such movement happened until Vahil raised his voice.

 

            “The princess issued you an order, now fall back, fear not, she will not be hurt, your duties now lie with protecting the people of Nyshtare!”

 

There was then a sudden shift and with speed and raised shields the silver knights began to move backwards and the Argarians proceeded with little speed for they quickly drew sight on the princess standing amidst the waters with her arms falling behind her.

 

She stood with her arms rising and her fingertips downwards. As they ascended there could be heard a great rumbling and the Argarians saw her eyes emerging in their orange state and her crown glimmered. The rumbling then grew into a loud roaring as fire from all nearby houses poured in through the sky and streets, tearing apart houses in its path and they orbited around Sapphire before dispersing before her into a high wall of flames, rolling and roaring into the Argarians.

 

 It was a great strain on the mind and such a great amount of fire that Sapphire soon began to falter and with a small loss of control a part of the great barrier fell away and fire rushed backwards. She had enough control left however to navigate the escaping flames around her allies behind her, trapping them in a bubble as fire rushed around them, tearing apart the street in flames and ash and smoke.

 

The sky of fire then began to dissolve and its flames fell into mere wisps of smoke as the inferno died down with Sapphire’s declining rage. A sprawl of Argarians dispersed in gain as cinders fell unto them. Their bodies were burnt and they fled into the streets, some falling dead in their path, and some throwing them selves into the water at their feet where they were then stabbed by the rushing forward force of Nyshuhrians that were sent unto them.

 

            “Let this show the Argarians why they should fear Nyshuhria and why it was the gravest mistake they were ever to make to attack our golden lands!” shouted Sapphire as she was helped up by Vahil. The immense strain of the fire had weakened her stance and required a little assistance.

 

Amidst the settling atmosphere amongst the Nyshuhrians in their sudden victory a new danger appeared. From under the cloud of steam that still lingered from Sapphire’s fire upon the water there came a new unit of Argarians, covered in soot and unhurt which meant they must have evaded Sapphire’s wrath.

 

Many looked at her for help but she was too weak to even contemplate any form of usage of her abilities. Sapphire’s eyes began to close as the appearing army of Argarians slowly drifted nearer through steam and smoke. The silent movement of their armour came with the gentle sloshing of water around their plated shins.

 

Then however a new noise arose and it became louder and louder. There were hooves galloping in the distant dark, thunderous and fearful. She opened her eyes and gazed upon the now smouldering western gates as they were forced open into wooden shards with the full force of an armed cavalry behind them. Through they rode, men of gold trimmed red armour with lowered swords that were driven into the Argarians before they had so much of a chance to turn around.

 

Over floating bodies the horses now trotted and those stood behind Sapphire backed away in fear as they watched the riders come to a stop in the water and they sat high and proud upon their noble creatures. There were two knights who began to walk forth and upon seeing the golden crest of the House of Tavral, Sapphire’s hopes began to rise. The same knight then removed his crowned helmet and Sapphire looked upon the soot covered face of her brother. She ran forwards in silence and hugged him tightly whilst he looked over his sister’s shoulder to the scared crowd behind her. It was only then that Fehrnire saw through drifting vapours the remnants of his once grand home now alight and crumbling silently.

 

            “Your highness, we must not linger here long, there is more than likely still a great many of Argarians lurking in the dark here!” said a voice from aside Fehrnire. The prince turned and faced the other knight who had walked beside him a few moments before. He was an aged man with a strong build with silver hair and beard and his eyes told of much wisdom.

            “Sapphire, this is General Fennok, commander of the royal guard”

 

            “Your highness” said Fennok with a bow. “Where are the king and queen? We need to make sure our heads of state are safe”

 

            “They are dead, the Argarians killed them and took the palace down with the city’s own catapults” replied Sapphire, turning to look at the carnage behind her. She saw the worried faces of the lower guard and the civilians and Vahil came forth.

 

            “Princess, your people are afraid of the sight of red armour, I think they may need you to speak with them” he said.

 

            “Very well, thank you captain” she replied.

 

            “Men, women and children alike of Nyshuhria, before us stand the most loyal knights in our kingdom. They wear red armour not as a symbol of the upper city guard, but of the royal guard, the king’s own trusted unit of men which he himself took to war on many occasions. They are here now to guide us away from our burning lands and into a new dawn on a safer road, a road to victory and vengeance! Rest assured the Argarians shall be obliterated for as long as they press their heavy boots into our green fields and golden meadows!”

 

Her words did much to ease the worry of those listening to her every word. They could sense her trust in these new knights and they came forwards as did the rest of the royal cavalry who stood in a straight line across the western road and at Fennok’s command they bowed down to their people.

 

            “We must leave, for everyone’s safety, but also I cannot linger in this place any longer for I cannot bear to look upon the inferno of my own wrath” said Sapphire, taking her brother by the arm and leading him forwards towards the cavalrymen.   

 

            “You mean that these fires we see, they’re of your doing?” asked Fehnire.

 

            “Many of them are, you know now that I am the sun child, but also now you may understand why I never wanted to be such an entity. The very embodiment of Riath and the one feared by all, it is not a burden I ever wanted to carry but now I am faced with an everlasting hope that I can relinquish our lands of tyranny and evil. I am afraid that in such a quest I may lose myself”

 

            “Sapphire, you will not lose yourself, you have me, and you have the faith of our people and they will follow you to no end.” Replied Fehrnire.

 

            “I fear that will not be enough, I cannot be around fire for too long which is why I suggest we take the General’s advice and leave this corrupt city to its undoing” suggested Sapphire.

 

The cavalry, including Fennok, all mounted their horses once more and turned to face the broken gates.

 

            “Captains, tell your men to help us escort these people to Nyrsu Gara, it is a long journey as you say, but we will be safe” the princess then asked.

 

            “Yes your highness” said the two captains in unison. 

 

            “Men of the lower city, people of Nyshtare, we travel to Nyrsu Gara, it is far, but it is safe. Knights you are to guard your people with your lives, there still be many an Argarian lurking in the shadows I fear” shouted Maharl weakly to his slowly moving audience.

 

The royal cavalry rode before the royals. The prince sat atop his horse whilst the princess chose to walk as equal with her people. Her captains guided the long line of civilians through the street with the army of silver men guarding them with their lives either side, they were weak, but they did not show it.

 

The gates to the city had crumbled and the water poured out onto the path which sloped away from the capital into a large distant lake at the base of the winding path ahead that cut between trees bathed in smoke.

 

Sapphire felt weak from using her abilites, but she never showed it. Her mind was slowly slipping and she could feel it yet she wore her crown with the intent of guiding her people to a safer land and she would not tire until she had done so. The path ahead was long and would take time to travel.

 

 

*********

 

Ember opened her eyes just as her mother leant over to wake her. the droning ringing of the bells from the Lord’s Court and the distant bells of Koren sounded tirelessly into the night and they shook the fragile windows silently.

 

            “Ember, you did it! You hear both Court’s bells ringing? Both will only ever ring together when the sun child has returned. I guess now that Larinian knows of you he will act quickly, we should wait here for Hanron and Sharla” said Emlyn who then walked to the window and peered out onto the streets to see civilians gathering just as they had upon the breaking of the red dawn seventeen years before.

 

Emlyn left the room to wait for her daughter but shook gently with worry. Ember opened her wardrobe again and took out an old rucksack and then looked over between her and Sharla’s bed. On the shelf sat the black box with the crown still nested comfortably inside and she placed it steadily into the rucksack. The slipping it over her shoulders she walked to the door, taking one last look at her room before walking onto the landing. She looked to her right at a small window between her room and the bathroom and through it there was a large flame suspended in the air somewhere in the centre of the city although it was unclear what it was through the warped glass. It seemed motionless in the night winds and darkness yet it held a presence over Arzutare.

 

About to walk downstairs Ember heard a loud knock at the door and an immediate thought came to her mind ‘Sharla!’

 

Emlyn too had the same hopes as she swung the door open only to be greeted by a most unwelcome sight.

 

“Don’t waste our time today woman, you heard the bells in unison, you know the sun child has returned, and what is clear is that they are here in Arzutare. It is our duty to search every home and by extreme force if we have to, now stand aside!” ordered a soldier with a gruff voice. he tried to push passed Emlyn but she did not allow it.

\

“I am not letting your kind anywhere near me or my house, the army has ruined my life! I am not getting pushed around by your kind any longer!” shouted Emlyn fiercely.

 

“If you have nothing to hide, you will move aside, it would be wise”

 

The soldier once again tried to push passed Emlyn but she held her arms across the doorway again.

 

“I said no! You have taken my daughter already and I will not allow you to harm…”

 

 

Upstairs Ember smiled to herself as she heard her mother fight back, but then there was silence mid-sentence and only the creak of the old wooden floorboards sounded under heavy metal boots.

 

Ember began to walk down the outer parts of the stairs as to prevent them making a sound, clinging on to an old handrail. At the bottom she gazed upon the soldier retracting a blade from Emlyn’s stomach and then he walked on into the lounge.

 

Emlyn fell to the floor and her blood soaked the wood. Ember silently came to her side and held her hand, looking into her mother’s fading eyes that soon lay still. Her hand was cold and fell limp as Ember let it go.

 

 

***

 

            “Sharla, good luck!” whispered Theran as the two sat side by side on their horses in the centre of the stables. Hanron and Valan were before them with Karnon and Dialar behind. The air was silent and it was an absence of sound only broken by approaching voices from outside.

 

            “Get inside, secure your horses and we ride for the streets of Carnemur, the sun child is in the city and we need to find them before they escape!”

 

The doors of the stable slowly began to be opened by a few soldiers.

 

            “Good luck!” whispered a stable buck to Hanron who knew of the plan.

 

            “Thank you, and live well!” The General replied and he looked forward at the doors now wide enough for the leader of the cavalry to walk through. He stood confused at the sight of Hanron and the others mounted on their houses

 

“General Hanron, what are you doing?!” he shouted.

 

Just then Hanron cracked the reigns of his horses harness and the great creature was spurred forth into the entering crowd of riders. Sharla and Theran then followed the two ahead and the two behind did likewise.

 

As a unit they burst through into the plains between the stables and Keloro. The stunned cavalry watched some of their horses being ridden off into the night and did not know how to react.

 

Their reactions mattered not to Sharla and the others however as they now rode across the walkway and Sharla looked into the river below from higher up. She then looked at Theran riding next to her and smiled. They then looked before them to the quickly approaching walls of Koren where they raced through a long courtyard and through the main path through barrack quarters and through a gateway. Upon the plaza before the doorway to Koren they emerged and made haste towards the gates into Arnur.

 

The old town was awoken not only by the bells, but now by six sets of heavy hooves beating down upon the cobbles in the night. The wide road narrowed into Arnur Bridge and into the shadow of the Lord’s Court where many silhouettes of mustering soldiers gathered on the shallow hill around the fortress. It seemed that the forces of Larinian were gathering.

 

 

***

 

 

Ember moved closer to her lounge where she could hear the soldier searching drawers for gold or riches, something of value from the house’s dead occupant. In the hallway there was a small table with a couple of books and a candle on top and beneath there was a small drawer. Ember silently slide the drawer open and pulled out a dagger which her father had brought back from the first war of Danalavonia.

 

She steadily held it in her hand and peeked around the doorway, the soldier’s back was turned. She moved in, stealth like as her sister had done on the market and raised her arm with the blade. However her plan was destroyed when the intruder saw her shadow and turned to grab her wrist aloft.

 

He threw her arm aside and disarmed her before he drew his own sword and pointed it at her. She moved steadily back towards the fireplace which was still smouldering from the day passed.

 

“Sun child!? I do not fear you, I have shown honour to Arzuria by slaying your mother and now I shall do the same to you!” the soldier shouted.

 

            “You should fear me, I do not take kindly to threats against the ones I love, and you just overstepped your chance of mercy!” argued Ember with grinded teeth and clenched fist.

 

            “And what are you going to do girl? I doubt you even know what you’re capable of!”

 

            “Do not come any closer, I…I warn you!”

 

Just then Ember hit the settee behind her and she fell over its side, crawling back towards the fire.

The man just laughed as he thought he had called her bluff and his sword then began to rise, only to fall into flesh.

 

Ember closed her eyes and waited for the cold pain slicing through her but no such feeling came. She opened her eyes again and saw a twisting stream of fire erupting noisily from the fireplace, tearing through the lounge and blasting the intruding soldier out of the lounge window and into the street. The flames disappeared and Ember stood back up, holding herself against the settee.

 

Glass dripped from the frame with a jingle as she left the lounge and knelt over her mother’s cold body. She began to sob over the wound with anger brewing.

 

“Why you mother? First father, then Sharla and now you! I may not want to be the sun child, but I will do whatever I can to avenge any soul taken this night by the army, it is not fair that freedom should have to be fought for…it is called freedom for a reason, and I will find it tonight. Rest well mother!” whispered Ember, raising her hand gently to her mother’s face and closing her still eyes.

 

            “If Riath is looking down upon us then I ask why all this is happening! If anything has happened to Sharla I will feel no guilt in reviving the fear left by Sapphire Tavral all those centuries ago!”

 

Just then the door burst open and two men entered with more stood outside. One grabbed her around the mouth whilst the other binded her hands and forced her to her feet.

 

            “I’m sure Lord Larinian would like to hear about your plea to ancient deities…sun child.”

 

 

 

 

“The sun child has been found! The bane of Arzuria is hidden no more!” she same man then shouted to the others outside the door.

 

She was forcefully dragged into the street, away from her home which she had longed to leave, but now wanted to be nowhere else. The world beyond her door scared her and she felt her aching heart beating faster and faster as many gathered around her with silver armour and swords at their sides.

 

The unit began to escort Ember through the street, chanting in old Arinalgarin as they did much to the fear of observant civilians clinging to their homes. They had longed to see the sun child return, but it seemed such hopes were to die with Ember herself.

 

She too began to lose hope, a great fear that she would never see Sharla again almost brought her to tears but she was left startled when a series of metallic thuds led to the soldiers around her falling to the floor, dead. Upon realising what had now happened Ember saw arrows had pierced the armour of the men and she looked around for whoever had shot them. She could see no one.

 

Her hands were bound but she turned to face an old Lilion approaching slowly and in wonder of the sun child.

 

            “Is…is it really you?” she asked nervously which was most unlike her.

 

            “Here” she muttered when she pulled a dagger from under her robe. Ember backed away slightly in fear but she soon realised Lilion wanted to help when she began to cut her binds with the blade.

 

            “I and my brothers and sisters of my cult have been trying to find you for too many years, to try and keep you safe from my cousin, but now you are here amidst a revolution which has only one outcome, to see you dead, milady” whispered Lilion, bowing on one knee before Ember.

 

There were screams at the end of the street and the same dark chanting of even more soldiers approaching.

 

            “Quick sun child, go! I have now lived to see my cult’s orders through and I can only advise you to run as far and as fast as you can! Now escape this place and rise like the fire which you command!”

 

Ember did as she was advised and the neighbours moved aside with looks of hope and happiness on their faces to let her pass. She ran through the street the opposite way to what she had not so long before and although she did not know her way, it seemed safer than the other direction.

 

The street came to an end and now there was a square park dominated by large trees casting their shadows over the cul-de-sac. The houses looked alike but towards the northern side there was a gap between two where another narrower path led on. Ember was concentrating so much on escaping however that she did not hear the words of warning from a few people about dangers ahead.

 

Into the narrow road she went, where the houses looked older and more warped and their overhanging top floors were within an arms reach of each other. Further into the distance a trail of smoke poured from more than one house. Fires swept quickly through the old homes and seemed to be drawing near.

 

Ember came to a stop to think where to go, if she went to near the fire she could expose herself to the army. A heavy breathing came from her side and she looked at an elderly citizen lying against his front door holding a deep wound.

 

Another house in the distance went into flame and Ember looked back at the injured man, now dead. There was a soldier who also lay dead in the street and it soon became clear that the old man had killed him for he had a dagger in his hand which he held over his wound.

 

Ember raised the dead soldier’s sword from the ground and looked ahead at the only direction she could go. Cautiously she began to move towards the great fountains of smoke pouring from the burning houses.

 

It was so silent where she walked, only the gentle roaring of fire made noise, but in the far out places of Arzutare the army was dealing pain and death with no remorse and the cries of men women and children alike plagued the air.

 

There was a break in the line of smoke ahead and through it Ember saw a sizable unit of soldiers approaching. Luckily as she looked to her side she saw another gap between two houses which led into an alleyway behind the street. Into it she ran with the sword held at her side.

 

She hid and watched as the unit passed. One soldier turned to face the alleyway but didn’t see Ember quickly throw herself into an indent in the wall to hide. The danger had passed and she stepped back out into the alleyway and turned to cut through the narrow path in the shadows.

 

She felt herself knock into something, but it was not a brick wall, it was cold, metal and stained with blood, the armour of a startled looking Arzutarian soldier. He backed away slightly as he came face to face with the sun child and he slowly reached for his sword.

 

Ember however was too quick and she lanced her own weapon up with speed and tore through the flesh of the man’s arm. He fell limp and screamed in pain and Ember did not know what to do, with such noise anyone could hear something dark was happening. She decided to run off further into the alleyway, passing many vacant homes with their overhanging floors towering above. It seemed to be getting quieter again, either much death had passed or her mind was deteriorating and she heard only mumbles once again. She thought she saw something move along the rooftop above, but upon looking upon the crooked brown tiles she could see nothing but the orange polluted night sky.

 

Her fears came true again as she turned a corner into the company of three more soldiers, who were lazing around with their weapons on the floor. They saw her and quickly came to arms and began to walk towards her. In fear she dropped her own blade with a clatter and backed away into the longer passage of the alley.

 

            “Get the sun child!” one shouted.

 

Ember acknowledged her being and she could feel the lure of the fire, but she refused to engage her mind to such destruction. Her sword was upon the floor and she had no means of fighting, she could not run for she might turn into even more enemies. She was trapped.

 

Just then she witnessed those very men approaching being taken down swiftly by even more arrows from above. Ember was now convinced someone was trying to help her and so began to run further down the back roads. Keeping northbound she followed the line of the main street through the houses next to her. Through a smokescreen she came unto a group of patrolling soldiers who quickly ran at her with their swords aloft. This time she did not top running however, but kept on until the shadows either side caught up with her and those ahead fell mercy to darts passing through their armour, piercing their way through the entire body and embedding themselves in the flesh.

 

The way was clear once more and Ember kept a quick pace about her step as she headed for an opening ahead she felt the taste of freedom becoming even clearer. Her path was then stopped by a man of grey leather armour dropping down before her from the rooftops.

Ember backed away in fear, she felt like she could trust him after he had helped her, but she was still unsure. She then looked up and saw many men standing above the rooftops, bows on their backs and quivers at their sides.

 

            “Sun child, I am master Dargor. I have been entrusted with taking my unit to whatever means to secure your protection. Your sister and the others were supposed to collect you from your home, but we now feel it best that in light of what has happened we take you to the city gate.”

 

            “Y…you know Sharla?”

 

Before she got an answer two more men dropped down behind her and bowed down.

 

            “These are masters Dilarn and Tolinar, please come with us and I will explain everything!”

Stated Dargor.

 

Ember felt that she had no choice but to trust them and so she began to walk towards him.

 

Side by side they walked the long back street.

 

            “To answer your question, yes I do know Sharla; she is in the unit of General Larnkor, same as I. I must say it is remarkable how alike you look, expect for your…well…”

 

            “My hair?”

 

            “Yes” answered Dargor nervously.

 

            “Where is she?” asked Ember

 

Dargor looked behind him and then back into the clearing ahead where shadows crept along the floor from above.

 

            “I do not know, by now they should have collected you, but fear not, we will make sure you shall see her again. We were ordered by General Hanron to make sure you are guarded and that means us following you until you are in the hands of your sister once again. We must get to the city gate, from there we shall make some sort of signal of our position so that your rescue party can take you away from Arzutare for good, this city is defunct, not even the sun child can rid it of its corruption”

 

***

 

A great rattle of blades echoed down the streets of the town of Carnemur as a rebellious cavalry broke through crowds of enemies with force and without mercy. Sharla rode quickly into her street and saw her neighbours gathered around her home. Something was wrong, not even Larnkor’s archers were anywhere to be seen. She then saw the dead soldier beyond the house and began to worry further.

 

Lilion came forward with a look of uncertainty about her. Sharla had never seen her looking so serious.

 

            “Miss Sharla, I think you better come with me” she said.

 

Sharla dismounted Anaril, removed her helmet and handed the reigns to Lilion. She quickly began to run towards her home when Theran and Valan emerged onto the street.

 

Sharla cut through the crowd of people and entered her dark hallway through a broken door. The sight before her made her crumble to the floor in tears. She stroked her mother’s cheek who still lay where Ember had left her, but since then Lilion had pulled some flowers from her front garden and placed them in Emlyn’s hands upon her wounded stomach.

 

Sharla’s tears fell upon the white petals as she sobbed silently to herself.

 

            “I’m so sorry mother. This is all my fault, I should’ve listened to you!” she whispered.

 

            “I realise you can’t hear me now, but if you can, I will find Ember, and we will get away from here. It won’t be much of a success without having rescued you too…I came too late”

 

Theran entered the house and looked around him in shock at the faded wallpaper and warped ceilings and frames. He placed his hand on Sharla’s shoulder and knelt down next to her, placing his own helmet on the floor besides him.

 

            “I’m sorry Shar, I guess we weren’t quick enough. I know its pointless asking if you’re alright, but…” he began to say, but he was stopped when Sharla turned and hugged him with tears falling now from her eyes onto Theran’s leather armour.

 

            “Why is it everything I love gets taken away from me?” she asked.

 

            “I can’t answer that, but whatever you do, I will not leave you, I promise” Theran replied.

 

            “And I promise that I will not let you get taken away too”

 

Sharla pulled away and stood up next to a confused Theran. She took one last look at her home and her fallen mother. Further tears came to her but even as she felt weak she knew this was not the time for grieving. Theran could see his friend was in a bad way and this time he put his arm around her  with her helmet in his hand and his own in the other. He led her out of her home and back onto the street where the other companions now sat high on their horses on the cobbles. Half had their helmets in their hands and bowed their heads in condolence to Sharla’s loss.

 

            “I do not know where Ember is, General.” She said, looking unto Hanron.

 

            “Your fellow archers must have escorted her away for they neither remain here”  he answered, looking around at the rooftops.

 

Lilion brought Anaril back over and handed the reigns to Sharla who mounted the saddle. Theran handed her her helmet but before she could raise it onto her head Lilion began to speak,

 

            “You talk of the sun child? Your s…sister?” she began, still trying to come to terms with having lived next door to Arzuria’s bane for many years.

 

            “She ran east from here, but there were many who ran behind her along the rooftops, I would hurry dear Sharla, I fear she is in danger!”

 

Hanron rode forth and levelled his horse with Anaril to speak with Lilion,

 

            “I know your face…from many years ago…” he mumbled.

 

            “However, now is not the time to reflect on what has passed, do you know where the sun child was going?” He then asked.

 

            “I am Lilion of the sun cult, you may have come across my brothers and sisters before, but like you say, that story is for another time. I heard one of the rooftop men speaking about guiding the sun child to the city gate, I hope that helps” the old woman replied.

 

Hanron looked at her with uncertainty but accepted her notion.

 

            “Thank you, kind woman” he said.

 

            “Yes, thank you Miss Lilion, and live well, I doubt you will see me again” said Sharla.

 

Hanron turned to the others waiting patiently behind him and got their attention.

 

            “We ride for the eastern gate the sun child has been taken there by Larnkor’s men, we must hurry!” he shouted and lowered his helmet back onto his head.

 

The six horses quickly began to race down the street, their hooves clopping noisily on the cobbles as they came to the old park where the trees shadowed the cul-de-sac.

 

***

 

            “Miss Ember, no!” shouted Dargor.

 

            “Get away from her!”

 

He watched Ember being taken by force down the main road of Aruztare where a great beacon could be seen at one side where a cauldron of fire was held high in the air, at the other end was the city gate.

 

Ember watched through her low hood as Dargor was held by his neck and stabbed in the back, his body then thrown into the side of the road where the bodies of the other archers lay. Many fell from the roofs into the street below and more than ever Ember felt scared and alone. She was taken into a wide opening in the street where a three levelled plinth stood in the centre with a proud looking man stood atop it with a crowd below.

 

Two guards crossed their spears across the paths of those who held Ember and spoke with authority,

 

“Who is this you are trying to bring before our General?”

 

The guards who held Ember looked at each other and then one lowered her hood a short way to reveal her hair. The guards were petrified at whom they now looked at and with a quiver to their voice they spoke,

 

            “Ok, f…follow us” they said.

 

They led Ember and her holders through the crowd after they raised her hood again to hide her from the bloodthirsty mob stood in the opening. They came to the plinth where the General stood and turned to see the arrivals.

 

“Who is this you bring to see me?” he asked. He took a step down onto the plinth below and stared at Ember curiously; he could see there was something different about her. He also seemed to recognise her, as if he had seen her or someone like her recently. Ember lifted her head and stared into the General’s eyes with anger and intent.

 

“General Hal, we bring before you the one feared by our Lord” The guard said nervously.

Hal leant forwards and yanked down Ember’ hood and revealed her amber hair.

 

“You’re…you’re the sun child? A mere girl of a weak nature? What are you now, seventeen years old?” Hal asked. Ember did not reply and this angered Hal, causing him to roughly grab her by the arm.

 

“Why am I keeping you here from your adoring crowd?!” he said with a great smirk.

 

He took her to the top layer of the plinth to face the curious crowd below and waited for them all to face him.

 

“Long have we been living in fear, fear of those who have inherited the powers of the sun, but for what? Look now men, look upon the face of the very person Lord Larinian fears could burn Arzuria to the ground.” He shouted, and the crowd below responded with gasps, chills and a slow reaching for weapons.

 

“A girl? Are you really so blinded by your own lust for blood and blade that you have forgotten that another ‘girl’ such as I have been underestimated before?” asked Ember with a stern expression.

 

“Ha! This girl is referring herself to Sapphire the Defiled, you overestimate yourself girl! You have been trapped here for seventeen years, any usage of your abilities would have led us straight to you so I know you are only as weak as any other citizen and you shall be treated as such.” Hal replied condescendingly.

 

“You mean like how the army treated my sister?! They took her away from me and I will feel no mercy in striking down anyone who comes between us, or if anyone chooses to threaten her again I will kill them where they stand!”

 

“And of whom may your sister be?” Hal asked with a sarcastic grin about him.

 

“Her name is Sharla! And you will tell me where she is or I shall make your life as miserable as you have made hers!” shouted Ember, breaking free of the hands that held her.

 

Hal stepped back in shock as he suddenly realised that if Ember was Sharla’s sister, she too was Sharlon’s daughter…Sharlon was hiding something!

 

            “That weak minded rat was your sister? I hope her, and her treacherous friends burn in the fires of your doing!” said Hal viciously.

 

An angered Ember swung her fist up to Hal’s face and the crowd before them watched as Hal staggered down the levels of the plinth with a thud upon each of them until he hit the cobbled floor of the large opening. He looked up from the floor and saw Ember standing on high with his guards constraining her.

 

“You may think I overestimate myself, but you underestimate me!” she growled.

 

Something began to happen with the fires around the courtyard and Hal looked at Ember’s eyes and then to the rising inferno as fires spread quickly from house to house in Ember’s growing wrath. The sweltering flames tore from home to home and rose quickly.

 

            “I…warned…you. For coming between…me and my sister…I can’t control this” Ember said with struggling breaths as the control of the flames clouded her mind. Her eyes then burned orange as Sapphire’s had done many a time before.

 

The ground began to shake slightly as the roaring rooftops alight in flame grew greater in ferocity. The sky above was orange in glow and the ground was warm.

 

Ember never really had much control over what she was doing, never had she purposely and accidentally caused an inferno this large. The skies thundered with a crackling roar and the houses gave off another wave of flames, only this time they rose into the sky and began to funnel into streams of fire which danced around the air above mesmerizingly before coming to settle around the stone stepped plinth in a swirling ring.

 

Hal stood up as he was caged in an orange barrier with only Ember and the guards before him.

 

“Sun child…your flames shall not intimidate me, I have waited for this day all my life and now that I have you I am not going to let a curtain of fire stop me from personally delivering you to Lord Larinian!” Hal yelled. But he began to show fear of Ember’s unchanged ferocity and a shake began to show on his hands which failed to even grab the sword next to them.

 

“I’ll give you…one last chance to tell me…where Sharla has gone!” Ember screamed.

 

A single scowl and turned head was all Ember needed to see to know the answer. She took a deep breath and suddenly the swirling fire drew in closer, forcing Hal further towards Ember. She threw one hand forwards and the flames quickly were drawn down her arm and out in front of her in an infernal beam that impaled Hal straight in the chest. He was thrown backwards in flames, scratching along the floor as the ring of fire disappeared into the night. Many of his men dived out of the way as he came crashing along.

                                                                  

Ember walked to Hal and stood at his feet, gazing sharply down on him, but her eyes were still orange.

                                                                  

“You underestimated me, did you not?” she hissed. But before she turned away the fires that still burned through the upper floors of the houses around gave off multiple waves of heat, erupting out of sequence with each other and randomly bursting into the air. With each eruption Ember’s steps back into the crowd became weaker, they threw her off balance and she held her head in pain.

 

“Why…can’t I…control this!” she whispered to herself. Before her stood a few soldiers out of the hundred around the courtyard. They gathered in fear of what the sun child was to do to them, but even before they could flee Ember had collapsed onto the warm ground, now turning colder. The flames began to die down as her eyes turned back to their green state behind her closed eyelids.

 

***

 

Ember opened her eyes again to find herself being dragged through the streets of Arzutare. An arm was secured over the shoulders of two men and her feet scuffed along the cobbles below.

 

She blacked out again, but quickly opened them again to find herself being taken onto Ringwater Bridge where the fires had been extinguished, yet the trees before the Lord’s Court still smoked in ashes of burnt leaves.

 

Ember saw the high gates and doors of Ringwater Castle pass by her and she went through a dark tunnel where statues and doorways stood either side of the cobbled road which lead through onto an overgrown courtyard. There stood many men, men of all ranks in the army, awaiting the arrival of their bane as she was dragged in under Hal’s command.

 

 

***

 

The cavalry of companions emerged through a barrier of smoke into the courtyard where scratch-marks were wiped along the cobbles below the plinth. Signs of a great burning and struggle were clear along the floor.

 

            “The sun child has been here!” Karnon shouted.

 

            “Of course she has…this is the only way she could have gone!” answered Dialar patronisingly.

 

Sharla looked around at the destruction through the eye holes in her helmet and jumped as a beam of wood burned away from the roof of one house and crashed to the floor.

 

            “Ember, where are you?” she whispered to herself.

 

            “The sun child is at Larinian’s mercy, quickly, turn about, we must make a raid on his fortress!” ordered Hanron, yanking on his reigns.

 

            “How can we expect to survive in Larinian’s court?” asked Dialar.

 

            “We will get through this, we have come too far, and I trust Sharla that her sister is strong, she will be alright!” Theran replied, joining the others in swinging to face the western road into Ringwater, he then turned to his friend,

 

            “Sharla, I meant what I said, I will stay with you until the end, I have nothing to lose, but all to fight for!”

 

Sharla pulled on Anaril’s reigns and held on tight as she followed her friends and companions through the old market place she knew so well, now in a fiery ruin. They then passed into Arzur square where the large beacon of fire still burned high in the air. The group split around its wide base but met up on the other side where they all gazed upon the long bridge over the Ringwater River and th shadow of Larinian’s halls beyond in a cloud of smoke.

 

 

***

 

Ember was thrown to the floor with force. She felt her face hit the cold floor. There was only darkness and silence around. Around her was a ring of men in black armour. They were Larinian’s elite soldiers of who guarded his life. They stood with raised shields around the sun child to contain her from impatient yet silently waiting men of Larinian’s army all gathered around.

 

From the shadows of the centre tower of the court Larinian emerged in his black robes and chainmail dress. He wore his headpiece formed from the top of an Arzutarian helmet and his eyes were still dark beneath it as they had been for most of his life.

 

The crowd of soldiers dispersed before him and bowed in quaking fear, his cloak trailing along like a slithering shadow.

 

Two of the black knights moved aside and allowed Larinian to enter the ring they had created around their captive.

 

Ember looked up from the floor at the silver boots of Larinian. Slowly and tiring she stood upon her own feet and clenched her fists tight. Larinian walked closer and stood eye to eye with Ember. Never had she felt so scared in her life than now when she was gazing into the dark abyss inside Larinian’s eyes, the man who had slain a king and struck fear into all living under his powerful shadow.

Two of the greatest forces in the eastern world now stood before one another in a time of chaos.

 

            “Long have I desired to meet you, sun child. I promised my grandfather that I would one day kill you, much to my father’s displeasing, but I took care of that. Now I have you here before me as my subject, as my captive and as my most valuable prisoner. You will kneel in mercy or you will understand why no other can rule Arzuria but I!” Larinian growled.

 

            “I do not wish to rule Arzuria, but instead I intend to free it from the shadow you have cast over all five realms! You know of what the sun child can do, or at least I hope you do. You will back away from me or you will understand why history itself fears what I am!”

 

Larinian wasn’t sure how to respond to such a threat, Ember did not appear to be afraid but deep down she was close to breaking down in fear. The Lord paced about slightly before turning back to her with disillusion.

 

“Here upon our cold stone you shall lie in a pool of your own blood. A blood which ran through your ancestor’s veins and a blood which we intend to stop so that your kind will never again walk!”

 

“You so much as threaten me again and you shall become the subject of your own filthy words!” cried Ember in response. The audience could feel a fight brewing.

 

            “You talk with words of such…anarchy and chaos…sun child. Not words I take kindly to!” signed Larinian in an unusually calm way.

 

Just then he turned and threw his metal gloved fist at Ember. She did not know quite what to do but swung her foot up to kick his wrist with force enough to cause him to fly into the ground.

 

            “Ok sun child, let’s do this the old fashioned way!” he said, smudging blood from his mouth into his short beard and picking himself up.

 

            “General Tara, throw me your sword!”

 

An aged brown bearded man who stood behind Larinian’s black knights drew his sword and rolled it through the air into his Lord’s hand who then threw it at Ember. She caught it shakily as its weight suddenly pulled her arm down.

 

Larinian quickly drew his sword and held it before him, hoisted at Ember who paced about the circle as her opponent did. There was silence in the audience, and then the blades clashed. Larinian struck down on Ember who could only block his blade-fall. She kept her defences up and never actually managed to make an attack for she was unskilled in using such a blade like Sapphire was. The audience cheered on their powerful Lord and watched closely as he faced the sun child.

 

Larinian struck again and the blade edge narrowly missed Ember’s face as the sword pushed her down into the ground. The Lord stabbed his sword at her but she rolled away and then back as he did it again.

 

She let go of Tara’s blade and held her arm across her in defence before swiping her foot sideways and knocking the lord to the floor too. He looked at her as the weight of his chainmail kept him pinned down for a moment. Ember stood back up and walked over to him, her hair blew in a breeze with her thunderous expression. The crowd went silent in fear that their great leader had been defeated.

 

            “I warned you. I cannot control what fury comes over me when you endanger the life of myself, my sister and the innocent” she said.

 

The lord laughed and slowly rose to his feet. As his eyes levelled with Ember’s she swung her fist up and smashed him in the nose, sending him back again. He retorted by running at her and she tried to go for a punch again but Larinian grabbed her flying fist and threw it down and in turn punched her in the cheek.

 

She stumbled back and rubbed her face where she felt pain. She turned to look at an approaching Larinian with orange eyes and she ducked as his fist flew overhead again. She punched him in the stomach and moved behind him.

 

Larinian made one more mistake as he attempted another charge at Ember who stood with a steady stance waiting. She caught his clenched hand as it moved towards her face but when she did flames ruptured from the air and blasted into the lord’s face and body, sending him spinning to the ground again. Ember wobbled again, she had caused herself to faint before from not being able to control her abilities and it had taken its toll on her mind.

 

The lord of Arzuria stood up once more, confused and he too was now worried that defeat was inevitable for him. He then saw that Ember had become somewhat weaker and made his way towards her.

 

This however was another mistake for him. The sun child held her head as her mind ached and her eyes remained orange as unseen by Larinian. Random bursts of flames erupted once again into the air. They were loud, hot and deadly and one burst in Larinian’s path and sent him flying through the line of his black knights.

 

In tiring of the pain Ember screamed and all flames which appeared in the air burst collectively into one large wave that swept through the crowd. With that she felt her eyes go black and her step loosened, slowly she fell to the ground.

 

Moments passed and there sounded a great noise in the distance. The great sound of clattering hooves upon cobbles. Six riders burst through the gates to the courtyard and came unto the sight of many laying on the ground, dead, unconscious and some grovelling away. Larinian and his knights, who were closest to Ember, lay still but still drew breath.

 

Karnon went and stood over Larinian and stared at him with disgust, Valan stood the other side and ran his fingers down his facial scars.

 

            “We should end his life whilst we can!” suggested Karnon, reaching for his sword.

 

            “No, that is a bad idea!” answered Dialar.

 

            “Why?”

 

            “Because if we kill Larinian the hierarchy of his army will fight in obtainment of his succession and that would only lead to further chaos. The Kornians, being so close to Erivania, will try and take over power where they can with Arzuria in disorder, that is our path, and trust me; we do not want to run into Kornians under any circumstance.” Hanron interrupted. He then walking quickly over to Ember with Sharla and Theran and knelt at her side, making sure she wasn’t injured.

 

            “So it is true! She is the sun child!” Dialar said faintly as Ember was picked up in her sister’s arms.

           

“Are you ready?” the general asked.

 

            “Yes” Sharla replied.

 

            “Pull up her hood, we must be quick, many are waking up!”

 

Sharla quickly did so and Theran helped her carry Ember over to Anaril and lifted her onto the saddle. Sharla put both of her hands on the reigns with Ember sat securely and unconsciously between them.

 

Suddenly there was shouting from the walkways above and archers emerged with their bows quickly drawn and arrows locked into the strings.

 

            “Go now Sharla!” cried Theran, leaping onto his horse after Hanron but just before the others did so too. They turned around and headed towards the broken gates to the tower with arrows hammering into the floor behind them from above.

 

Ember felt her mind blackout completely and she ceased to even think what was happening. She could hardly feel the bumpy ride as Anaril made haste through the dark passage on the ground of Ringwater’s eastern tower. They were now in complete darkness, as was most of Arzuria, but her army was mustering in one final effort to stop their bane evading.

Comments & reviews · 4
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DudeMcGuy
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Ready or not, here comes part 3!

{she same man then shouted to the others outside the door.}

Typo alert! "she" should be "the".

{much to the fear of observant civilians clinging to their homes.}

This is very descriptive and sets a good mood, but "clinging to their homes", makes me picture them holding a physical wall or corner :). Perhaps "clinging to their doorways and windowsills" would sound better and give the same feel?

{She too began to lose hope, a great fear that she would never see Sharla again almost brought her to tears but she was left startled when a series of metallic thuds led to the soldiers around her falling to the floor, dead.}

Run-on here too. Add a period after "hope", replace "a great" with "the", add a period after "tears", capitalize "but", and eliminate "dead" (it was clear enough already with them all falling at once).

{Her hands were bound but she turned to face an old Lilion approaching slowly and in wonder of the sun child.}

Cut out "her hands were bound but" (You explained that already), change the last part to "an old Lilion who approached slowly; in wonder of the sun child. (perfect place for the semicolon here)

{“I and my brothers and sisters of my cult have been trying to find you for too many years, to try and keep you safe from my cousin, but now you are here amidst a revolution which has only one outcome, to see you dead, milady” whispered Lilion, bowing on one knee before Ember.}

I would tweak this too. (“The brothers and sisters of my cult have been trying to find you for many years. We only wished to keep you safe from my cousin. But here you are! In the midst of a revolution which has only one outcome . . . to see you dead milady,” whispered Lilion, bowing on one knee before Ember.

{“Quick sun child, go! I have now lived to see my cult’s orders through and I can only advise you to run as far and as fast as you can! Now escape this place and rise like the fire which you command!”}

I want to be absolutely clear on this. There is nothing wrong with this line. It's perfect! My favorite part of the whole chapter! :) :) "rise like the fire which you command!" is more awesome than any praise I can give it. Absolutely brilliant!

{She ran through the street the opposite way to what she had not so long before and although she did not know her way, it seemed safer than the other direction.}

This needs work. But I'm not sure when to begin because it is too confusing. Sorry.

{if she went to near the fire she could expose herself to the army.}

Tweaking time again! (if she went too close to the fire she risked exposing herself to the soldiers nearby.)

{There was a soldier who also lay dead in the street and it soon became clear that the old man had killed him for he had a dagger in his hand which he held over his wound}

Run-on: Add a period after "street". Then change the second part to "The old man who had killed the soldier lied next to him holding a dagger over his own wound."

{Cautiously she began to move towards the great fountains of smoke pouring from the burning houses.}

Switch "Cautiously" and "she".

{"Because if we kill Larinian the hierarchy of his army will fight in obtainment of his succession and that would only lead to further chaos."}

People don't typically speak in long sentences like this. Books do, but people are usually more to the point. It would sound more natural like this: ("We can't kill Larinian now! If we do the hierarchy of his army will fight in obtainment of his succession. It would surely lead to further chaos.")

That's it! I hope you found this useful. In review, watch out for run-on sentences. Make your dialogue shorter and to-the-point. Be sure to use a comma before "but". And don't try to link so many things with "and". Just use another sentence to express the other thoughts.

Good luck continuing this. I really liked the story you have here. Very dark and exciting at the same time. I would split it into three chapters though.

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DudeMcGuy
Review

Part two Engage!

{“M…Men, protect your princess}

If you want to make the character stutter his speech, then use a dash (M-Men). ". . ." implies a long pause or gap in the speech.

{"Both red and silver forces collided in the water before Sapphire who watched her men quickly become overpowered but they held their ground through their line of shields."}

Run-on sentence again. Too much going on for a single period to handle. Try this: (Both red and silver forces collided in the water. Sapphire watched her men quickly become overpowered; barely able to hold their ground through their line of shields.)

{There was then a sudden shift and with speed and raised shields the silver knights began to move backwards and the Argarians proceeded with little speed for they quickly drew sight on the princess standing amidst the waters with her arms falling behind her.}

Run on sentence here too. I'm not even sure what to suggest this time. I got really lost here, sorry.

{She stood with her arms rising and her fingertips downwards.}

You should clarify this part. Arms up and fingers down seems like an odd pose.

{The immense strain of the fire had weakened her stance and required a little assistance.}

Cut out "and required a little assistance". You already mentioned she needed help standing in the previous sentence.

{Amidst the settling atmosphere amongst the Nyshuhrians in their sudden victory a new danger appeared.}

Not sure what your saying here other than "new danger appeared". "Amidst" and "amongst" don't work well together in the same sentence in my opinion.

{“We must leave, for everyone’s safety, but also I cannot linger in this place any longer for I cannot bear to look upon the inferno of my own wrath” said Sapphire,}

Run on dialogue this time. The comma is too weak to hold all of that together. "Inferno of my own wrath" is awesome though :)

{The very embodiment of Riath and the one feared by all, it is not a burden I ever wanted to carry but now I am faced with an everlasting hope that I can relinquish our lands of tyranny and evil. I am afraid that in such a quest I may lose myself”}

Very cool. I think Sapphire is my favorite character in your story after Ember. The first sentence runs-on though. Put a period after "all" (instead of a comma), capitalize "It" and add a comma after carry.

{Sapphire, you will not lose yourself, you have me, and you have the faith of our people and they will follow you to no end.” Replied Fehrnire.}

Same deal here. Period instead of comma after "yourself", capitalize the second "you", add a period after "people", cut out "and they" and replace with "We".

{said Emlyn who then walked to the window and peered out onto the streets to see civilians gathering just as they had upon the breaking of the red dawn seventeen years before.}

Too much info for a single sentence to hold up. I'll leave the sentence restructuring to you for this one.

{She looked to her right at a small window between her room and the bathroom and through it there was a large flame suspended in the air somewhere in the centre of the city although it was unclear what it was through the warped glass.}

Run-on here too . . . Period after "bathroom", Cut the second "and", capitalize "through", period after city, capitalize "although"

{“Don’t waste our time today woman, you heard the bells in unison, you know the sun child has returned, and what is clear is that they are here in Arzutare. It is our duty to search every home and by extreme force if we have to, now stand aside!” ordered a soldier with a gruff voice. he tried to push passed Emlyn but she did not allow it."}

From the way he is talking, it sounds like there are other soldiers behind him. And I assumed there were because of it. When Ember went down the staircase I was thinking: "NO! What are you doing? They'll see you!" But then it became clear that only one man knocked on the door and entered the house. Change the the two "our" in his dialogue to "my" to make it clear to the reader that there is only one person there.

{“Sharla, good luck!” whispered Theran}

The exclamation point and "whispered" are in conflict with each other here.

{“Get inside, secure your horses and we ride for the streets of Carnemur, the sun child is in the city and we need to find them before they escape!”}

This would sound more like natural speech if you tweak it slightly: (“Get inside and secure your horses men. We ride for the streets of Carnemur! The sun child is somewhere in the city. We must find them before they escape!”)

{Thank you, and live well!” The General replied and he looked forward at the doors now wide enough for the leader of the cavalry to walk through.}

Run on. "The" does not need to be capitalized. Period after "replied", cut "and", capitalize "he", Then add "that were" after "doors".

{Their reactions mattered not to Sharla and the others however as they now rode across the walkway and Sharla looked into the river below from higher up.}

The "however" is not a good bridge word to use here because there is no contrast. "From higher up" is also redundant with "river below".
Try this instead: (Their reactions mattered not to Sharla and the others. Sharla looked into the river below as they rode across the walkway.)

{Ember silently slide the drawer open and pulled out a dagger which her father had brought back from the first war of Danalavonia.}

There is nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence. But the part about where the dagger came from is unnecessary for the intense moment when this takes place. If you really want the reader to know that tidbit of info you should separate this line into two sentences.

(Ember silently slide the drawer open and pulled out a dagger. The small blade had been stored there since her father returned from the first war of Danalavonia.) <-- sounds better imo.

{Just then the door burst open and two men entered with more stood outside.}

Should be "two men entered with more standing behind them". Also, when was the door closed? I thought the mother died right there in the doorway. I don't recall the other soldier closing it behind him. How could it be "burst open" if it was open already?

This is the end of part 2. My favorite part of this whole chapter was Sapphire unleashing her powers, and Embers encounter with the soldiers and subsequent escapes/chase scene.

I'll be back . . .

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DudeMcGuy
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OK review part 1!

{There were many citizens who had walked from their homes to witness the bright burning court across Ringwater Bridge.}

I would remove "had walked" with "emerged" for better flow here. (I told you I was picky!)

{“Come, rest whilst the army musters, there is still time to reconcile here” she said softly, helping Ember up to her room and leaving her to lie down on her bed. She closed her eyes without falling asleep and there she lay for a short while.}

This part is pretty confusing. I don't know who is speaking to Ember. I find out later that it is her mother Emlyn, but at this moment the speaker, who is obviously not Ember herself, is only identified as "she". Try replacing "she said" with "her mother said". And then change the next sentence to: "Emlyn helped her daughter up to her room and left her to lie down on the bed." Then, start the third sentence with "Ember" instead of "she". It will be a lot less confusing that way.

{“Then tell me, if the sun child is out there n threatens my being and authority . . . }

Typo alert! Sound be "and" threatens my being . . .

{Larinian then looked to his elite guards and signalled that they raise their swords to which they did so in silence.}

This sentence sounds a little to long. Possibly bordering on run-on territory here. The problem that the sentence has two subjects in it (Larinian and his men). Signaled is also misspelled. Split it up into two sentences, One about Larinian and the other about the guards. Something like this:
Larinian then looked to his elite guards and signaled for them to raise their swords. The men obeyed his command and silently unsheathed their blades.

{He gazed across the gently swaying grass banks in the complex and drew sight upon the towers of Koren, lit by torches in the night and what he had called home for over forty years.}

This sentence is also too long winded. If you read it out loud you will know what I mean. Put a period after "Koren" (instead of a comma) and restructure the second part to something like, "The torches illuminated the night sky, revealing his former home of over forty years.

{The doors were opened before him and Sharla and Karnon were stood to greet him with the others coming from their horses in the stables to join them.}

"Were stood to greet him" is the problem here. It's awkward to read. Also, the first "and" isn't strong enough to hold this sentence up. How about this instead: "The doors were opened before him as he approached. Sharla and Karnon were standing there to greet him when he entered, and the other soldiers dismounted their horses to do the same."

{“We are all here and the night draws in. In an hour or so the revelation of our time shall happen. Long have many lived to see the downfall of this autocracy and upon the sun Childs return shall its mask of power slide away through its growing corruption.”}

First of all let me say that this line is pretty epic! But we can make it better I think.
Change the first "and" to "as".
Change "In an hour or so" to "Within this hour".
Change "happen" to "begin".
Remove "Long have many lived" and replace it with "Many have longed"
Put a period after "autocracy" and capitalize the "and" after it.
"Childs" needs an apostrophe between the d and the s.
Then add "we" before "shall" and "see" right after it. and replace "its" with "the"

Maybe I should just write it out . . . "“We are all here as the night draws in. Within this hour the revelation of our time shall begin. Many have longed to see the downfall of this autocracy. And upon the sun Child's return we shall see the mask of power slide away through its growing corruption.”

Better right?

{“We need to get ready to leave, I suggest we go and stand by our horses and wait until the time comes!” Hanron then suggested}

Hanron already said the word "suggest" in his dialogue here, so using it again at the end is redundant. Also, "be ready to leave" sounds better than "get ready to leave" in my opinion. And try shortening the second part to "I suggest we wait by our horses until the time comes!" It sounds more urgent this way (they are preparing for a raid/rescue after all!)

{“Sharla” said a voice behind.}

Should be "a voice from behind."

{She turned around and saw Theran stood in her shadow on the hay covered floor and he hugged her warmly.}

Sentence is too long again. Two things happened here: She saw him, and then he hugged her. Split it up into two distinct sentences. Also, "stood" should be "standing".

{“I don’t mean for this to sound so sentimental but what I say is true, I will follow you to any end, . . .}

Put a comma after "sentimental" and a period after "true". (The word "but" is almost always preceded by a comma when connecting two phrases. Even in dialogue.)

{They turned and walked to their horses with everyone else who passed looks of anxiousness between them.}

Awkward again. Read it to yourself out loud. Change "with" to "as" and cut out the "who". Change "everyone else" to "the others" Replace passed with "exchanged". Then cut "between them"
(They turned and walked to their horses as the others exchanged looks of anxiousness.)

{whether the magnificent creature lived upto his name.}

Separate "upto" into "up" and "to" :)

{Sharla walked round to Anaril’s side and held her head against it whilst stroking his neck and running her fingers through his mane.}

Great description here! Just change "round" to "around". Simple.

{Sharla then pulled out the golden ring she had received from her sister and tied her hair into a ponytail like her sister’s and looked at an Arzutarian helmet which was attached to her saddle as was everyone else's. her head rested back onto Anaril’s side and even his heartbeat was quick for the tension in the room was so great.}

Two run-on sentences back-to-back here. I'm sorry to say that this is your Achilles heel in writing (from what I have seen). You tend to get carried away with your descriptions (which are awesome btw) and lose the punctuation needed to let the reader catch a breath.

Put a period after "sister". Replace "and" with "She". Change "an Arzutarian helmet" to "the Arzutarian helmet". Put a period after "saddle". and cut out "as was everyone else's" ("else's" is not a word actually). Capitalize "her". Cut out "and even" and put a semicolon after "side". Cut out the last part and change it to "his heartbeat was quick from the tension building in the room".

{Valan made sure his book was secured in a bag on his.}

A bag on his what? Incomplete thought here. Also, how about "the book" instead of "his book" since you used "his" again later in the same sentence.

{He took a sigh and a breath to release tension but the horses could sense something was wrong and began to stir slightly.}

You take a breath, but you don't "take a sigh" :) Sighing is just something you do. How about: "He took a breath and sighed to release the tension. Then add a comma before "but". (I touched on that earlier too.)

{A thunderous ringing from far away them occurred.}

"from far away them" is awkward. Maybe try "far away from them"? Or "A thunderous ringing could be heard in the distance"?

{“Wield your helmets that you’ll find on your horse’s sides, we’ll need them so that we won’t be recognised!”}

Is a helmet something you wield? I've never heard it used that way before. How about "Equip the helmets on your horse's saddles. We'll use them for protection as well as disguise!" Or something to that effect.

{"Sharla was a little more reluctant but eventually she tucked her hair up under the helmet she now wore."}

This is a consistency issue here. "a little more reluctant" implies that others were less reluctant than she was, but the sentence before states that the others put on their helmet immediately and "without hesitation". No reluctance at all. So eliminate "a little more" and once again put a comma before "but". You also don't need the "up" in this sentence. "her hair under the helmet" sounds fine without it.

{In her mind she heard her breathing get heavier and she felt it too as shouts came from the distance.}

I would change this for better flow: (She heard and felt her breathing getting heavier as shouts echoed in the distance). "In her mind" seems out of place here.

{“Now we wait” Dialar said quietly and he stared over at Valan who seemed not to look bothered by the situation.}

The dialogue needs to be separated from his action here. Place a period after "quietly", eliminate "and", Capitalize "he" and add a comma after "Valan".

Whew! Sorry that was so long. It's a good story really, just needs to be cleaned up for the reader's sake. I'm sorry if I come off as too harsh. I'm commenting on your writing, not you as a person. Part 2 will follow in a bit.

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DudeMcGuy
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Hey TheSunChildren!

Here I am with the review I promised. ***Disclaimer: I'm pretty new to YWS and creative writing in general, so please take this review with a grain of salt.***

First of all, let me say this story is really, really awesome. Your level of description is amazing, and your writing style sucked me right in to the story. Very entertaining and well done. The fact that I can enjoy this without knowing what happened in Chapters 1-5 speaks very highly of your storytelling. Great job.

In terms of story and plot I found no issues here. The characters are good too, as well as the action and chase scenes.

The only problems I had reading this was that there were some grammatical issues that kind of hurt the flow of certain areas. I also think this is way too long for just one chapter. For the amount of information and scenes you have here it should be three chapters in my opinion.

So I'm going to split up my review in three parts, because there is a lot to get to here. I'm about to go on an "English teacher rant" that may anger/discourage you. Just remember that I'm only being harsh to help you improve. I really did like the story.



In the winter months, snowstorms and rainfall in the Patagonian Ice Fields can drastically affect the landscape. Worsened by heavy winds, such storms can reduce visibility and lead to glacial calving, ice collapses, and avalanches. During these conditions, travel is not advised.
— The Documentarian