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beautiful peice you have here, just wonderful

TheStorm wrote:Just trying to forget
But it's not that easy
That's something people don't get
The things i think it would be better if you replaced 'things' with 'thoughts' that fill your mind
Are the ones you try so hard to forget
~
So maybe on i think you meant 'one' night
When I'm driving around
I'll see a lovely sight
And in my opinion, the 'and' ruins this beautiful part maybe even a happy sound
No one will no know me
Or the things that used to be


Next time you see me
If you ever do
You'll hopefully like what you see
Cause I will never be the same
As the girl that used to fill the nights
Driving around
Not seeing any sights
And nope, not a sound
~
Maybe I'll be back some day
But please don't keep your breath at bay haha i like how you changed the classic 'don't hold your breath' to something more poetic, it's brilliant

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

I think the rhythm works nicely and this progresses nicely from beginning to end. I really like;
"But please don't keep your breath at bay."
The speaker's emotions also come across very powerfully.

I think that the rhyming pattern restricts you, so I'd try this without rhyme.

I'd add more imagery, images of where the speaker is driving and what she/he passes and I'd use the imagery to suggest the feelings, such as "I'm just sick of this town"-so for instance here you could describe the worst things about the town, paying close attention to imagery.

The best thing you can do is read poetry.

Hope this helps,

Jas