The first few hours of the morning,
The first few dates.
One brings you light,
One brings you love.
The light peaks over the horizon,
Reflecting through the window.
Happiness fills your body,
Tickles your soul.
He picks you up for your first date,
Dates turn into motions,
Meaningless patterns.
The light means more,
More than love ever could
The sun kisses your skin,
While his lips were stony and cold
The sun fills you up with warmth
He drained you, leaving you empty
The rays make you smile
As they dance across your face
He can’t compare to the pure innocence of light
With his dark and tormented past
He diminishes the light
Eventually though, they will both fade away
Still the light means more,
More than love ever could.
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
very good!!
Hi there
)
First off, I really like how you separated the first and last lines from the rest of the poem. I love the thoughts behind the poem: sunlight over love. It's really beautiful (although a little sad for us hopeless romantics
These are my two favorite parts...
And
The first one is great use of imagery. And the second seems almost nostalgic. Great job!
My only critique is that about half way through you seemed to drop any punctuation at the ends of the lines. Then at the end you picked it back up again, but there's about a ten line gap in the punctuation.
Hope this helps
I really like this. So many times I've read poems comparing love to light, so I like that this one is doing the opposite. You simply seem to covet sunshine in this poem, and I like how it seems to be above him, whoever he is.
First off, one little thought.
"He can’t compare to the pure innocence of light"
Reading aloud, this poem looks and sounds a lot longer than the rest, which kind of makes it falters. I don't think you should change the words at all, but splitting it into two lines could possibly help it flow a bit better.
I think these are definitely my favorite lines
"Dates turn into motions,
Meaningless patterns."
I also like the repetition of "the light means more"
Good work, keep it up!