Him
I see him in the first thing every day,
And after he watches me walk away
~
I get those little things
That they call butterflies
~
His mouth shapes a hi
But all I can do is let out a sigh
~
When I see his bright green eyes
My small heart flies
~
When he smiles
I stay a while
~
When we have to go
My heart whispers no
~
A goodbye 'till tommorow
My heart fills with sorrow
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I thought this was a cute poem, a bit vague and not very descriptive like others have mentioned, blah blah blah.
But it is definitely cliche, even the title alone. So, add some description and uniqueness and it would go from cute to awesome!!
hope I helped! - Mateeah
Like was already mentioned, just a little too vague and undescriptive. The rhyme scheme seemed slightly forced too. Still, I think there's potential in this. Keep writing.
being vague is okay if you want to be vague. I'd say the main problem with this piece is not so much what it is missing, but what it has.
I agree, about the forced rhyme but I'd add that most of what you've got here is extremely cliche.
~Thanks everyone for you ideas. I do agree now looking back that it did sound very forced and I realize I used some very vague discriptions. Thanks again!(:
The first and last lines are very good. However, the rest seems forced. The rhymes don't seem quite-natural. It seems to me that you are working too hard at finding rhymes. Of course, it is better than others that I have seen. The flow is fairly good, but those rhymes just shut it all off. Perhaps don't worry about rhymes at all and just go with your heart's intentions.
That is all I have to say.
Hope this helps.
I think that your poem needs more description. Think of how much more people would know if you added something like "His mysteriously soft skin is like a drug to me", right? Along with Flower Child, i also loved the sentence 'my heart whispers no'. It really was the only thing that gave the poem spirit of...a form of life. It kind of felt pushed...or forced. And the rhyming was awkward. Maybe do something like a sonnet. Like the rhyming scheme abab cdcd efef gg, you know?
Like the poem, do a little work, and you can PM me if you revive it or have any questions.
Alright, I havn't been on in a while so I am a little rusty but here we go. Ok, well this really didn't jump out at me as something new at all. It seemed to drag because of the rhyme sceme you have here. I can tell that you love someone, but why do you and what is so important about him? Details more than the color of his eyes would be really nice in this. The one line I really did like was "My heart wispers no." I think this was very nice and gave some life to it. Anyway that's all I have to say...told you I am very rusty.
Keep Writing
-Flower-