Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
South
Moving? As the wind blew hard, near the emperor's place all of the city gathered to see the birthing of Xavier Zhu. The emperor saw the little boy, and stood up yelling to the people, “This young man will do one of these two things. He will be a great philosophiae, or become a warlord that will kill us all!” When the mother heard this she was scared for her sons and her life. She quickly ran through the rushing wind to her small house were the child's father lived Gang Zhu.
The two started to talk about what the emperor said, “Ju we need to do something with our son.”
“I know, but we can’t do anything to harm him!”
“ It may be our only hope.”
“No you would kill our son?”
“Yes you’re right we can’t do anything to harm him, shall we change his name?”
“No it’s his give name. We can’t change it!”
“We just can’t let him hear the prophecy about him.”
“That’s impossible. The whole city will know by the end of today and they will tell him”
“We will just have to make stuff up until he’s older, then we can tell him the truth”
“Yes you’re right about that, but one day before we tell him the truth we will find out, he is a bright child.”
For the next four years the child grew very happy and playful with the two parents loving their new life. Ju said to Gang that day.
“Our son needs some kind of school. He his a very smart child” “Yes he does. He needs to live up to the first part of his prophecy”
“What momy?”
“Nothing sweetie. Mom and dad are thinking of a way for you to go to school.”
“Yes son you shall be a great kid there as long as you behave, now shall we have some rice balls?”
“Yes, yes, yes dad I would love to have some rice balls!”
“Ok, but you have to have some fish maw”
“Fine”
As the family ate their meal a man came and knocked on the door. Gang stood up and went to the door. A man, very powerful man to be exact Biming Xu, knocked on the door.
“Now, this a very big surprise!”
“Yes sir my men and I have been looking for people to rank up, and as you as the lowest class in the army you need to be ranked up.”
“ Well before I ask any big question, what rank shall I be ranked up to?”
“ You shall be rank up to grade four.”
“Well that would be a great!”
“Yes be sure to come an hour before sunrise.”
“Yes sir.”
“Xavier how is that fish maw?”
“Well it taste like the harbor with that real fishy taste.”
“Well what about the rice balls?”
“Very gooey and sticky like that stuff that people use to make a house.”
The next morning Gang went out very early. Ju was starting the morning meal when Xavier came into the room and sat down to eat.
“Now Xavier you know that you have to meditate before you eat. You have to meditate for thirty minutes.”
“Oh yes sorry mother”
For the next thirty minutes Xavier and Ju meditate. Xavier had peace of mind knowing that he might go to school some time in the next week. He thought of how to act nice to all of his school mates. Then without even realizing it he knew that he was thinking about Confucianism.
That day he was out at the market with Ju buying some carrots and some more fish maw.
“Mother why do we buy this horrible stuff? It taste just like seawater.”
“Yes I know but we need it.”
“It’s the only stuff that we can get with some kind of flavor.”
“Well umm.. fine can we get some frog legs?”
“No!” Within ten more years the family of Gang being in the army the Zhu family became just a bit more wealthy. They moved into a bigger house, and Xavier went to school almost every day. He became more interested in nature and science.
A war has broke out in the dynasty, everyone now has a say in what to do in this crisis. The empire has made an idea to move to the south of China.
“Oh mother, what shall we do? Father is just barely alive with the nurse he is too week walk.”
“Yes I know but we have to move we can’t stay here much longer we will all be dead by next week if we don’t move!”
“Ok we will go with the next group I think I can cary dad.”
“Yes, let’s pack everything up we are going to night while it’s somewhat safe.”
As Xavier and Ju packed all of their belongings Xavier went out to get Gang. He went flying across the city to go get his father. He heard what sounded like a bird screaming, then he realized that it was a two men fighting outside of the wall. He ran even quicker. When he got to the nurse cabin he saw things that some people should never see, then he saw his father getting out of his bed walking over to him.
“Xavier what the hell are you doing here!”
“Father just come with me, mom and I have made a plan. We are going with the next group to the south side of China”
“Ok that’s great let’s go we only have one hour”
“Yes, yes mom and I have all of our things we are leaving here right now let’s go”
It was long four months of traveling with attacks and only having ten people to defend to fight off a fifty men of the Mongols. Lots of food was lost in those attacks. Somehow everyone that started from the north side of China made it to the south. People that tried to defend all of the people that were traveling had very bad injuries that could have easily ended their life.
After weeks and weeks of laborious work to make this new capitals walls. The new city of Kaifeng was being built with thousands of men working on the the city. During this time of the morning Ju was always putting her up into a very complicated braid. During these times of hard labor it was excruciating hot, with the men working all day people would offend have to go get water for all of the men.
“Gang come, come sit you look terrible”
“Well that's how I feel. It’s so hot outside. It feels like I just stepped in the fire and then had some kind of spice”
“Father you must have some water here I’ll go fetch you some”
“Yes son that would be great”
While still living in a small tent Xavier found a place to start to make a house for his family. He finds a place about one hundred yards away from the empires place. Every day he went outside of the newly built walls to go get stone for the foundation of the house. After about a week of getting stone and placing it in the outline of the house he finally got to go get bamboo. This was more laborious than getting the stone Xavier thought. Having to cut down the long pieces of bamboo then carrying them to the house, after that putting them up and having to stable them to finally getting one piece after another. After four months of building his new house he took all of his belongings and his family's the started to move into the the house.
“Well now this is what I wanted of a house”
“Yes, it took lots of work to get it to this but, we got it”
“Ma how do you like it”
“ Oh I do love it”
Now that everyone has a new life, Ju is now living in her new amazing house, and meditating. Gang is happy living with the army has the fourth grade. Xavier is happy living with a good job as learning to be philosophical. The whole family living there newly found life with lots of food, house, and peace. People seem to settling in to the south Xavier thought. If only the people that are still living in the north, or dead could see this amazing place.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
I was really taken by your story. The amount of work you put into it makes other stories look unprofessional. There was a lot of space in between the title and the actual story. Not too sure why but over all very good story. My one question was why you put so much dialog. I wonder if you could show a little more and not really tell. I liked how you said who was talking and not just throw out words and put them into quotations.
I was really taken by your story. The amount of work you put into it makes other stories look unprofessional. There was a lot of space in between the title and the actual story. Not too sure why but over all very good story. My one question was why you put so much dialog. I wonder if you could show a little more and not really tell. I liked how you said who was talking and not just throw out words and put them into quotations.
it has some good info but there are a few things i think you should change. it is really well written but i got vary confused in the middle and beginning of the story partially because all the names. I was also thinking that it might help your story if you cutoff the last paragraph of your story becouse it seemed like all it was doing was filling up space. over all this was a good story.
I like your story. I liked that you put dialogue in your story. In you story towards the end it has dialogue and in the dialogue i like that you named the person talking. I liked All of the charters in the story but I like Xavier the best. I was glad that the parents kill Xavier in the begging. I liked that your story was easy to read.
I really liked the idea and plot of the story. I wonder if you could use more show not tell and maybe a little less dialogue because some of it was not necessary. Also, I did see a few spelling errors and places you could use better grammar. I liked that you started the story strong and interesting. I thought it was a very good story.
I really liked the idea and plot of the story. I wonder if you could use more show not tell and maybe a little less dialogue because some of it was not necessary. Also, I did see a few spelling errors and places you could use better grammar. I liked that you started the story strong and interesting. I thought it was a very good story.
Ok first off there was little to none showing not telling and a lot of spelling errors. I don't mean to sound rude or anything but I feel like this story could have had a little more checking before it was posted also I was following along with the story for the first 5 sentences then you went off on tangents which really lead me off from the point of the story otherwise I like the idea.
Okay. First, I noticed a few spelling errors. I wonder if you could have double checked your grammar before posting this (Although I know you well, and I understand that you are not a grammar person).
Very dialogue heavy, although it may be confusing as to who is talking when.
“Our son needs some kind of school. He his a very smart child” “Yes he does. He needs to live up to the first part of his prophecy”
This part doesn't make sense. In the beginning, it says the boy has just been born, but here they say that he is smart. How would they know of his intelligence if he hasn't lived for more than a year.
Good story line though.
I like that ylu started the story off strong. I did notice a mistake when you said "Ju said to Gang that day.
“Our son needs some kind of school. He his a very smart child” “Yes he does. He needs to live up to the first part of his prophecy”. The paragraph on it shouldn't be there so it would be"Ju said to Gang that day.“Our son needs some kind of school. He his a very smart child” “Yes he does. He needs to live up to the first part of his prophecy”. I hope that makes sense but besides that you did a good job crafting the story.
The story was gooood, but some of the names don't make sense. And the dialogue could be more direct about who is talking
I like the story's plot, and the characters seem realistic, like they could truly exist. However, I wonder... is Xavier really a name that would be from Imperial China? Also, this one sentence,
'A man, very powerful man to be exact Biming Xu, knocked on the door.', I think it would make a little more sense if it went 'A man, a very powerful man named Biming Xu, to be exact, knocked on the door.'. One might even make them two separate sentences. Other than that, the story is full of meaning. God job, Squid!
Hi,
First off, your story contains lots of dialogue, most of which is not necessary. When you take out some of the dialogue, you could have more room to explain what is happening.
Ex:
“Now, this a very big surprise!” Xavier's father exclaimed.
“Yes sir, my men and I have been looking for people to rank up, and you are the lowest class in the army, you need to be ranked up. We have decided to move you to grade four” Biming Xu said gruffly, his face expressionless as stone.
"Fantastic"
“Be sure to come an hour before sunrise.”(I am not sure how to edit this sentence because I do not know where the father figure needs to be at sunrise or why. Maybe you could add that in)
“Yes sir, thank you very much”
The door shut with a creak, and his father strode back to the table, grinning from ear to ear.
There was some dialogue after that, but I edited the normal sentences. The sentence wraps up the conversation between the father and the man, which moves to story on to the next conversation about food. I wish I could put my edits in bold but thats not an option. Don't feel like what I edited is exactly how it needs to be done.
I think that instead of description through dialogue you could go into further detail in a regular paragraph. When I was reading, I had not image in my head of where they were, so make sure to write about the setting.
I also feel like a lot of events were very sudden, like his fathers illness and an attack. Random characters were added into your story, but we don't know who they were, so they were just a name. Many things happened so I wonder if you could take a few events out and be more descriptive about the attack and introduce your characters to us more.
I like your description of the food, but maybe take it out of the dialogue and describe its placement on the table(if there was one) and its smell. Then have Xavior talk about how it was gross or whatever he was saying. Make sure to say who is speaking every so often, so the reader isn't lost throughout the whole story. I enjoyed reading this and I really do think that this would be a great story with some improvements, so keep working!
-sb1
So I'm going to jump right into the critique, because then I can point out mistakes as I find them. I hope you don't mind. Here goes!
Your second sentence is has some awkward wording, but it will be just fine if you move the phrasing around so it reads, "As the wind blew hard, all the city gathered to see the birthing of Xavier Zhu near the emperor's palace." Second, are you sure Xavier is a Chinese name?
Third, and probably the largest problem you have with this story, are your commas. For example:
"The emperor saw the little boy, and stood up yelling to the people, “This young man will do one of these two things. He will be a great philosophiae, or become a warlord that will kill us all!”
It should be, "The emperor saw the little boy and stood up, yelling to the people, "This child will do one of these two things; become a great philosophiæ, or become a warlord that will kill us all!" Sorry, that was more extensive an edit than I thought it would be. I put in "child" because it seems unrealistic to call a newborn baby a "young man." I connected the two sentences because it improves the flow and cuts out extraneous words. There are a lot of instances where you have extra commas or a comma between what should be two sentences or no comma where there out to be one. I'm sorry I don't have time to point them all out.
I think you're story has some good bones to it, but there are a lot of grammatical errors and chances to flesh it out some. Watch your commas and add tidbits of visual and other sensory description to your dialogue, such as facial expressions, body language, temperature, weather, surroundings. You don't have to say a lot. A little goes a long way, like "she said, the corners of her mouth turning down." Also, whenever you use "mom" or "mommy" as a title or a name, it has to be capitalized. "Yes, Mommy," or "My Mom walked alongside me," versus "His mom watched him leave" or "My mother said so."
I'm sorry I don't have time to do a better review; I really thought it would. I like your ideas for your characters and it deserves your time editing and polishing it. Well done!