z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The War of the Twelve Crusaders - Premonition Part 1

by TheSilverFox




15 years ago…

Nighttime was coming. The sun was beginning to set in the west, setting the sky on fire where it touched, turning the clouds red, and illuminating and highlighting those proud mountain peaks to the southwest. The sunbeams fell upon the window of the room, covering the space in a dazzling orange-red glow. The long-lasting brilliance of the sun was finally concluding for the day, but that did not depress or upset the little blue-haired girl standing beside her bed. On the contrary; this was the favorite time of day to her. The rest of the day was interesting, but it was too lonely. Her parents were never around; whenever she asked them or their servants, they would always tell her they were busy helping people and ‘tending to the needs of our country’. They never had time for their six year old daughter, and this made her sad. As the girl was too young to attend school, her parents had let the girl wander about the mansion and take in the sights. Despite their parent’s consistent stance that the house belonged to them and, to an extent, the girl, she felt lost inside the massive complex that seemed more like a city. The girl thought that it was so massive that it would take a thousand years to be able to see it all; it couldn’t possibly belong to her and her family alone – it belonged to hundreds, or perhaps thousands, of people. She certainly saw many people as she walked around the mansion. However, despite that, she felt alone among those crowds. At the end of the day, when she retired to her room, that’s where she felt like she was at home. She felt like a returning adventurer; tired, but happy to be back.

That was not the only reason that she liked the time, however. This was the time of day when she could finally see her mother. Every day, on cue, her mother would walk into the room, sit beside the girl on the bed, and tell her stories with her mellifluous voice. The stories were always beautiful, being of glorious heroes, tyrannical villains, and great struggles leading to the heroes’ victory. Even though the girl almost never saw her father, the high priest who was always busy with his sermons, and hardly ever saw her mother, hearing her mother’s stories made each and every day a wonderful experience in the eyes of the girl. When she heard those distinctive footsteps down the hall, she did not hesitate to jump into her massive bed and snuggle among the red silk bedsheets. She giggled, her heartbeat racing ever faster, ignoring the stifling darkness that was beginning to envelop the land. She wondered what stories her mother would tell her that day.



With a small creak and a groan, the door opened. A figure stepped within the room, and young girl fidgeted in her bedsheets so that she could see the person who had entered the room. To her delight, it was her mother. Her mother, as always, was wearing a simple white nightgown, and her smile was radiant. Her black hair flowed behind her head smoothly, and her face appeared to be much younger than one she always claimed was forty. Her green eyes gleamed, and she smiled happily at her daughter. Despite those bags under her eyes, and the substantial evidence that she was weary, the mother appeared to possess a lot of vivacity and energy, charming her young daughter. She stepped forward, moving around the bed, and sat beside her daughter, who had wrapped herself in the bedsheets. Her mother had no need for bringing a book to recite stories to the girl – her mother always remembered the stories and the words by heart. After a brief moment of silence, the conversation began.



“Who are you going to tell me about tonight, mom?” asked the young girl in a chirpy tone, though her voice was usually deeper. She was exited, and did not attempt to hide it. “Are you going to tell me about Ar….Ark…Ar….”



“Archanea?” The soft voice emanated around the room, in a soft, kind-hearted tone. The mother looked at her daughter, smiling as she waited for a response.



“Yeah!” said the girl excitedly, before quieting down. She always forgot the rules of formality held in a mansion, among them not using interjections or yelling frequently in casual conversation. This was especially the case when she was happy. “Will you tell me more about the Hero-King? His wife, or….”



Her mother shushed her daughter. The girl obliged quickly, and looked at her mother with an expression of curiosity. This was not the normal routine of her storytelling. Her mother’s smiled faded, and the tiredness that had previously been invisible clearly showed itself on her face. She sighed and replied to her daughter,



“I thought it would be nice if we focused on our home. I never told you this story before because I always felt you were too young. Now, however, I think you’re old enough to hear about the story of your homeland.”



The girl nodded silently, though she was still curious. She was slightly crestfallen by the fact that the story wasn’t going to be about the neighboring continent to the west, Archanea, but she was also mystified. The story of her homeland? What could this mean? The girl did not know, but she was eager to learn, and so she told her mother, “What’s the story?”



Her mother sighed again.



“A long time ago, there was a greedy man. He was greedy for power.”



“Like the dragon prince?” said the girl, remembering the last story her mother had spoken.



“Yes, like the dragon prince,” replied her mother, “and the man went all around the world in search of power. One day, he found a dragon in Archanea.”



The girl bobbed up and down in ecstasy at hearing about her favorite place again. For a story that was about her homeland, thought the daughter, it seemed to be focusing on a lot of other places.

“You see, one time in the past, dragons ruled the world. However, a disease started driving them mad. The good dragons found out that they could seal their powers in stone, take human form, and they wouldn’t become crazy. However, some dragons, like this one, didn’t. They were slowly driven mad and became mindless beasts that attacked humans. The dragon was an evil dragon, and he was losing a war against the good dragons. He wanted to spread his evil will elsewhere, and, so, the man and the dragon’s destinies collided. The dragon bonded with the man.”



“Bonded?”



“Yes, they bonded. The dragon passed on his evil powers to the man, who then returned to his home. Our home.”



“What happened next?”

“The man founded an evil empire, having finally acquired the power he for such a long time had sought. He ruled cruelly, hurting many innocent people. But he wasn’t himself.”

The girl felt sadder the more she heard of this story. Unlike the other ones, there didn’t seem to be any respite in sight - this story was a tragedy. “How could someone not be himself?” she asked her mother.



“When they bonded, the dragon gave the man a book. The book allowed anyone who had bonded with the dragon to use the power of the dragon, but at a cost. When the man took possession of the book, the dragon possessed him. The book contained the evil dragon himself; the dragon was sealed when the two bonded, and the book held the dragon’s hatred for humans. The dragon became the man.”



“Oh,” said the daughter simply.



“That dragon removed the last kingdom from power, and formed his own empire and a religion. He wanted revenge on the humans, and, with his power, made the evil empire. But that wasn’t all.”



“How come?”



“When the man who had bonded with the dragon died, his son became the emperor. When his son was born, he inherited his father’s powers and the evil book to use them. He became an evil dictator like his father. In a way, the dragon went from one man to another. This happened for fifteen generations after the original man, and many people died because of them.”

“That sounds terrible….”



“But something wonderful happened. The people started fighting, and they started a war.”

The girl smiled, but said nothing. Her mother continued,



“They fought bravely, but they were trapped and surrounded in a place known as Darna. However, it was then that their fortunes changed. The good dragons realized what their evil brethren had done, and twelve of them went to Darna. The twelve of them came to leaders of the resistance. Just like the evil dragon and the man, each dragon bonded with one of the members of the resistance, giving these people their powers and strength. Unlike the evil dragon, the dragons were not turned into weapons for the leaders to use, but the dragons gave the leaders weapons. The weapons worked just like the unholy book, except for the fact that they did not possess the wielder. They were sealed with the stones belonging to the dragons; these stones were bound to the power of the dragons. This was to make sure that those leaders and their descendants, and only they, could be able to use the weapons. They didn’t want the weapons falling into the wrong hands and being misused.”



“That makes sense. Did they kill the evil king?”



“Yes, they did. These leaders, forever known as the Twelve Crusaders, came out of Darna and fought a long war, finally killing the evil king. The evil dragon was forever banished in his unholy tome, which was sealed and kept far away.”



“What did they do after the war?” the girl was excited once more, but growing tired.



“They ruled the continent peacefully afterwards. Many of them went on to found nations. They all married, and all of them have descendants in our world. Some of them possess great amounts of the dragon’s powers, but others possess smaller amounts. Those who possess smaller amounts cannot use the weapons associated with the dragons, but they are still powerful.”



“Did one of the Crusaders make this place?” asked the girl, pointing at the walls of the mansion. She’d always been told the mansion had existed for centuries, and it seemed so massive to her that she felt that only somebody powerful and ancient could’ve made it.

“Yes. Lord Fala made a duchy from this land, and made a mansion here. You are his descendant, my young girl.”



“Does that mean…”



“It does. You have the powers of a dragon.”

==============

I'm sorry for the poor quality of the story, and for the fact there isn't much action going on.  This is the culmination of an idea that has been developing in my head for quite some time, but I don't think I've developed it as much as I could've.  Yes, this is a fanfiction story, but I won't reveal what the fanfiction is until the second part of this opening chapter.  It's always fun to surprise the readers, isn't it?  Enjoy!


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2631 Reviews


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Fri Sep 18, 2015 8:07 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hullo! I'm doing a review for each member of team tortoise so here I am :)

Specifics

1. Try to avoid repeating words in a sentence unless it's basic words like the, she, and. So with your first sentence I'd suggest replacing the second use of setting with lighting or you could go for some cool alliteration with 'torching the sky where it touched, turning the clouds...'.

2. It also feels like 'illuminating and highlighting' are too bulky/ repetitive. I'd suggest choosing just one of those to describe the mountains.

3.

The sunbeams fell upon the window of the room, covering the space in a dazzling orange-red glow. The long-lasting brilliance of the sun was finally concluding for the day, but that did not depress or upset the little blue-haired girl standing beside her bed.
You could probably lose the top sentence altogether or the start of the bottom sentence. They're basically repeating each other and the description of the sun is already a little over done.

4. The description of the girl and how she feels about the house is much better - a nice blend of setting with characterisation.

5.
That was not the only reason that she liked the this time, however.


6. The part about the mother is too much of an info dump - you're telling us about things which happen instead of showing them and now we know something will be different tonight. Instead just have the mother enter the room and show us that this is expected by having the girl's head turn expectantly toward the door. Show us through dialogue or through her excitedness that these visits are rare. Ask yourself, if this was made into a film, how would they handle this scene? They don't have the benefit of showing the character's thoughts or backstory in their head and sometimes that's a good thing because those ways of communicating information are mostly dull and while you'll get away with them once the character is loved and established, they just slow your story down in the early chapters.

7.
With a small creak and a groan, the door opened. A figure stepped within the room, and the young girl fidgeted in her bedsheets so that she could see the person who had entered the room.
Maybe 'see who it was' to avoid the repetition?

8.
“Archanea?” The soft voice emanated around the room, in a soft, kind-hearted tone. The mother looked at her daughter, smiling as she waited for a response.
Again, avoid the repetition of soft.

Overall

The story of the dragons was nice but the ending a little abrupt - I'd have liked to see the girl's reaction and whether she believes the story or thinks it's simply another nice fantasy.

In terms of plot you have some interesting ideas forming and it doesn't matter that it's a little slow to take off but try to avoid being too repetitive in your descriptions - that will help to make this a quicker and more immersive read.

Hopefully this gives you a few things to think about - best of luck!

~Heather




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Thu May 14, 2015 2:49 am
GreenTulip wrote a review...



Hello, I am going to be reviewing your first chapter tonight.

First thing I am going to say is that you don't have to mention that it is was fifteen years ago. Show the reader. We would love to try and figure out what time this was if you continued on with the rest of the chapters, in the fifteen years that passed after the contents of this chapter. It is shown by your character development and how you describe the surroundings. Things do change in fifteen years of time.

Next, you first two or three paragraphs are really long. They hold a lot of information that is better off split into more than one part. How many parts is up to you, but if you break it off when the idea changes in each one, you should be good.

Though we didn't see a lot of characters, we did get to meet the little girl and we did get some characterization. We learned about her parents, her house and some of her 'past'.

At the end of this chapter, I'd suggest slowing it down a little bit. You are still offering a lot of information. And those final lines are a bombshell, so be careful.

~Tulip.




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Tue Apr 28, 2015 12:24 am
kevin25a wrote a review...



It's a first chapter, it's better to have it start this way than have to much going on to follow. That said I didn't think there was to little going on, I loved this story. I look forward to seeing where you take it and would love a notification when you publish the next chapter.

I don't see where the title premonitions come from though, a premonition is a vision or dream of the future that ends up happening or is going to happen. I Also want to nitpick at another thing, if the girl if a dragonkin, her mother or father would be dragonkin too. One of them must have the powers of a dragon just like the girl. I would call it now that the evil tomb is going to be found, but I think it's too obvious anyway. History repeats itself, and unless the tomb get destroyed nobody is safe that's common sense. If you leave a near unstoppable being sealed in a object hidden, it's going to get found eventually that's an undeniable fact. Nothing stays hidden forever, history is a perfect form of proof of it. Those twelve crusaders might be hero's but they're also ignorant for assuming hiding it would have been enough. The only safe method would be destroying it. Although then the story would not have any way of taking off I suppose. :)




TheSilverFox says...


Thank you for your review. :D I have some spare time tomorrow, and I'm finding that I have more spare time than usual, so I might be able to complete the second part of the premonition chapter by the end of the week.

Yes, it appears that I have not elaborated on certain topics. My apologies. The second part of the premonition chapter will explain why the chapter is considered a premonition. I can't explain much more or I'd be providing spoilers. :P

The girl is a dragonkin, so, naturally, her mother or her father would be dragonkin as well. You are correct about that. In future chapters, I will elaborate on the girl's heritage and the powers of both of her parents.

Lastly, I forgot to explain what happened to the book of the dragon after the Twelve Crusaders killed the king. I already stated that the dragon had formed a religion, correct? The corrupted religious order held the book of the dragon after the Twelve Crusaders, and they hid in a distant place for a long time. As a result, the Crusaders never even saw it. The current location of the book will remain a mystery until closer to the end of the story, but you are correct. The sanctuary of the religious order will be found, and nobody will be safe as long as the book is around. I haven't decided yet whether or not it will be destroyed at the end of the story, but there is a possibility. And, as you'll soon see, the location and usage of the book has produced the events of the story and set them in motion.

Thank you for your review! Oh, and thanks for following me. I'll be sure to finish the premonition chapter when I can. :D



kevin25a says...


Your welcome, always happy to give reviews and follow people who write stories I like.




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