12+ Violence

Misty Peaks

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The city stood tranquil. The air was thick with dense fog, cascading upon the civilians, smelling of the sea. Few dared open their doors to greet this foul-smelling visitor, and so there were none to see a spectacle, one whose implications, ironically, meant so much for every beating heart, every foggy breath in the land.

I stood there, on the dock, the waves lapping against the water-logged wood. White caps momentarily spawned on their misty peaks, before subsiding. I wore a black uniform, a cape draping down my back and shoulders, nearly touching the ground. On either side of me stood my companions; a stocky young man and his adept, lithe female companion. We stood, right arms pointed, pistols raised, at the three foes on the other end.

An enormous, bulbous man had pointed his gun directly at me. I knew it. Pick on the easy target, wasn’t it? His companions were to his sides: at his left was a black-haired man with a pronounced, smug face and wearing a blue outfit, black pantaloons, and polished black derby shoes.It seemed that he was deeply wealthy, based on the gold cane he held with his left hand, its bottom touching the wooden dock. The other man was a gruff, large, gray-haired individual, who appeared capable of snapping his gun into two. He glared menacingly at us, his dingy shirt tattered, his brown pants faded, and he was barefoot.

Standing there, gun raised at the bulbous man’s head, I knew that it would be only a second before the duel began. It was obvious in his smile. I knew that I had a chance, one chance, to lodge a bullet in his brain, and kill the killer. In that moment, a predicament awoke - hesitation. My trigger finger quivered, and my teeth began to chatter. What was I doing? Killing another man? A human being? His gold rings, even in the misty light, seemed to glimmer, blinding my eyes. His smile, one I was withering against, grew larger by the second. He was an intimidating figure, the one who had pulled and yanked me about. He’d attempted to rob me, he bribed the police…he had power, and I had…nothing.

He didn’t give me a chance.

The bullet was released, penetrating my body with ease. It came, as I sickeningly conceived, within inches of my heart. Bullet fire began to explode rapidly all about me, as I fell backwards, onto the hard wooden surface of the dock. Thud! The white shirt underneath my uniform was blossoming in red, as two figures dashed in from behind me. They wore the outfits of me and my companions, and, on their faces lay surprise and dismay. “Ah,” I thought, my consciousness slipping quickly out of control, blurring my vision of them, “These must be the witnesses they were speaking of…”

They lifted up my head. Blood was rushing outwards of the wound, though it had not penetrated the shirt yet. One of them held me in place, while the other procured a towel from his right shirt pocket. He lifted the shirt that I wore, and, at once, began to apply pressure to the wound, attempting to keep it from bleeding excessively. I was curious as to why the bulbous crook wasn’t firing upon them. An answer came within an instant: my companions, so professional were they, that they provided the perfect distraction. They saw my flaws, my hesitation; they knew this man was intimidating, and they knew I, I who had never killed a man before, wouldn’t do it, even though this was for honor. I smiled at this kind gesture they were performing.

One witness was uttering repeated shouts, as though I would hear. I couldn’t; I was too weak.

Too weak.

The thought pulsed angrily in my head, as though on fire, looking for the water to douse it. My heart rate excelled, tripling instantly; black spots danced a tango with red fire, growing ever larger.

I didn’t do it.

Failure seemed to speed the process ever more, and closer and closer to death I neared. The shouts, whispers, gone.

I was within the chambers of my mind, where only my thoughts had meaning, whatever those last thoughts were to be, I noticed. I felt of them. I felt of my companions.They were still fighting this menace, attempting to save my life. How brave they were; how incredible they were!

They have done something for me…and I have pity of myself!

It made me wish to scream, scream with anger, and scream with a voice fading by the second.

I thought of the crook; the robberies, the briberies, suffering. Anger welled up within my soul. FOR THEM! Boomed a voice within my head. FOR THOSE OF THE CITY, THOSE WHO SUFFER UNDER TYRANNY! Justice surprised the duo, and long did they flee, running into the far corners of my mind, to be dealt with later. Urged by a distaste of self-pity, this refusal of failure, what my companions were doing to make sure I did come back, and the anger towards the criminal, I began to rise from the ground. Legs quaked, muscles popped, bones thundered. I moved, rising above the ground, returning to my standing position. Those who had gone out of their way to save me began to lift me upwards, holding onto my unstable frame.

Beyond, bullets and smoke were all I could see. The rich man was sitting on the ground, clutching his right foot, howling despairingly. He had to have been struck by a bullet, I thought. The other man, the gruff one, was lying like I had earlier, sprawled upon the ground. Wooden splinters were strewed about him, leading me to believe he was struck by a blunt object.

The gale blew swift and strong.

The crook was weak and tired.

He fell into the water with a giant splash.

He treaded, yelping for some merciful saviors.

Justice.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Lefty
Review
Lefty wrote a review · Sun Feb 01, 2015 1:56 am

Hi, there! Lefty here to finally review this.

I liked it! After reading your comments, I understand that you had a 1,000 word limit, which makes sense as to why there wasn't a ton of info. I would be really curious to read this as a more fleshed-out story with back story and more info as to what is happening. As for the limit you had, however, I think you did pretty well with it and it was an enjoyable scene to read. It felt very powerful and dramatic. I saw it in my had as a very suspenseful scene, mostly in slow motion. :P You did the pacing well and it held tension, which keeps the reader interested and wanting more! Nicely done!

It didn't really find too many nitpicks, but I will mention the couple things that I saw:

Blood was rushing outwards of the wound, though it had not penetrated the shirt yet.

You mentioned earlier that his shirt was beginning to blossom red. In the quoted sentence, is that supposed to be the shirt on top?

My heart rate excelled, tripling instantly; black spots danced a tango...

I think a period would be better used than a semicolon.

clutching his right foot, howling despairingly.

Really nitpicky, but I think saying "howling with despair" would sound better.

That's it! I really like how you describe everything, like how you said "blossoming with red". It's a very unique way of saying what it looked like, yet it fit perfectly. I had never thought of the similarities in how that looks before, but its true, it looks quite similar to when a flower blooms. I just found that very interesting. And that wasn't the only time I thought you described something really nicely, I noticed it quite a few times.

You stick to past tense and first person POV continuously. I'm intrigued by the character and the story and am curious to know more about it! I pictured everything very clearly and it had a great look and feel to it when I saw it in my head. Good job!

I could see how if this was made into a longer story with more description, info and backstory, it would be a really, very well done piece.

I'll keep an eye out for if you post more short stories or chapters of any kind. ;) Have a nice day and keep writing!

-Lefty

Thanks, Lefty! :D. It wasn't easy, but it was quite a lot of fun to write the story. I revised it constantly, and I'm happy that you enjoyed the finished results! I agree with you - sometime, I need to go ahead and write down the entire story and describe all the events in detail. The nitpickings were great, and you did a good job of highlighting some of my flaws. I'm sometimes very bad with periods/colons/semicolons, so I'm happy you highlighted that.

As a writer, I try to make dramatic imagery in my stories, and try to depict unique ways of description like you saw. It's not easy to stick to a tense and a POV, and you won't believe how many times I've had trouble with that. XD I'm happy you liked it, and when I get back to this story, I'll be sure to revise it to make a long, well composed short-story with more descriptions. Thanks, Lefty! :D.

P.S.: Sorry for my inactivity lately. :C. I found a storybook group and I've gotten a lot interested in seeing what's going on in there, so I haven't been much of anywhere else lately. I'm sorry about that. :C

I totally get the difficulty of writing under such a small world limit. I'm horrible at writing short stories. Again, you did quite well with it. I'm glad my review seemed to be helpful.

P.S. No Worries! ;) Storybooks look cool.

User avatar
Apricity
Review

Heyo Silver (I like your user name), happy review day! Flite here for a review, I'm going to review as I read.

I stood there, on the dock,


Get rid of the first comma, you don't need it.


Standing there, gun raised at the bulbous man’s head,


You've already used bulbous once in your previous description, avoid using the same words in one chapter if you can. Go for another word, if you're stuck, there is always the thesaurus.

Alright, I'm going to move onto the rest because I don't like nitpicking on things such as grammar for too long. I really liked the first two paragraphs because they described the city so well, but after that I feel that the descriptions went down a bit. They aren't as lively and powerful anymore, they're very static and in other words flat. This is especially obvious in your description of the crook and his companions, the descriptions aren't bad but they add no feelings onto the piece. This article here provides a helpful insight to writing powerful descriptions, and this shows you how to use descriptions to add feelings. Now that the descriptions are out of the way, let's talk about your characters and why they're there.

Why are we given no information as to why this duel is happening? Because I would really like to know that. That lack of context really throws me because I don't know the reason behind their fighting. If your MC haven't handled a gun before than why are they shooting the man, why aren't their companions doing it?

The bullet was released, penetrating my body with ease. It came, as I sickeningly conceived, within inches of my heart.


*coughs* Sorry to break it to you, but usually when people fire a bullet. Even not to the heart, I really doubt they'd feel the bullet go in and locate it's precise location. I haven't been shot by a gun myself and don't want to be shot by one anytime soon, but I'm quite certain that PAIN would be the thought running through their heads. And not, 'oh, the bullet didn't touch my heart, yay!'.

“Ah,” I thought, my consciousness slipping quickly out of control, blurring my vision of them, “These must be the witnesses they were speaking of…”


So, they're her witnesses? See why the background information would come in helpful?

Dlood was rushing outwards of the wound, though it had notpenetrated the shirt yet.


I'm not sure if penetrated is quite the word choice here, I believe soaked is the image you're aiming for. Also, why wouldn't the blood be reaching the shirt yet? There'd be quite a lot of blood.

An answer came within an instant: my companions, so professional were they, that they provided the perfect distraction.


Distraction, distraction why?

The ending was..interesting. They stood up by some miraculous way and managed to see the crook fall and justice is regained once again. Great, I like your message! But I don't think the way she stood up was very realistic, in fact, I really doubt she's be able to stand or even think at all. Simply because of rage, doesn't defy nature's laws or the body's limits. You're going to need a better reason than that. Hmm, I feel that the ending is somewhat disappointing (in my opinion). They didn't end the crook, but someone else did. So they went to all that effort just to see him fall? I'd actually thought they'd kill the crook and not just let him fall into the water. But that's just my opinion.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, the idea was lovely though. If you have any questions, please let me know.

-Flite

Well, when I first entered the story, it was for a contest, and they wanted a word goal of about 1,000 words. As you can see, that doesn't exactly leave much for descriptions, I'm afraid. I'm happy you liked the idea, and I certainly will improve my much too frequent use of commas, but the lack of background information and other strange parts are likely produced because of the lack of the opportunity for composing detailed explanations when I first entered in the contest. I'm sorry about that. ._. Too, this was supposed to be longer short story once, but, for the contest, I took the most dramatic scene and incorporated it. Ah, I used bulbous twice? Darn, I'm going to need to fix that. Thanks for telling me. :D. As for the descriptions, I will certainly look into the articles and do my best to edit and produce a more dramatic, non-static appearance of the characters. The main character is engaging in the duel as he was sort of prodded into it by the main villain, though the main character (who is a boy, just so you know) isn't exactly eager to engage in battle, as you can see, but he is a man of his word, and will go ahead with the duel despite possible consequences. Once more, sorry for the lack of descriptions. :/ My characters, as I try to make them, are usually observant, though you are correct - if you're shot by a bullet, you're not normally going to pay attention to where it hit, and only feel the pain. However, from my view of the story, which you may interpret either way, this is like the split second before the pain, and the words "as I sickeningly conceived" indicate that the bullet may not have struck by the heart, but the main character assumed that it had. When I used the word "penetrated" in the other part, I was referring to the potential that the blood would go beyond the shirt and spurt elsewhere. Yes, disgusting, but that was the meaning. Too, when I used the word "distraction," I was saying that the main villain was largely after me, and my companions were distracting him from inflicting any more harm. I'm also sorry for having confused you with the particular use of these words. :/ The ending was probably one of the most controversial parts to work on - at least, for me. Originally, yes, I did have the crook shot and killed by the main character. My mom, who usually reads and critiques my story, was not a fan of having such a violent idea for a state contest, and suggested that I change it so that nobody would actually have to do the deadly deed. No, I'm not criticizing her - I largely agree with her. :P. I can say, last of all, from my interpretation of the story, that the bullet did not strike the heart, nor did it do the kind of damage the main character assumed, and, with the help of the attendants, the main character was capable of being lifted off the ground and engaging in the battle. I thank you for your opinion of my story, Flite, and you weren't too harsh. :D. If anything, I commend you for your intelligence and observation of the many holes left behind in the way that I extracted this piece of a story and developed it. When I have a question on my latest stories, I'll be sure to talk to you. Thanks. :D.

User avatar
GuyLathamzim
Review

Overall, I think its pretty good. The setting is beautifully described and the characters appearances are vivid. Your vocab also adds considerably to the vibe of the scene. However, I would say that your punctuation may need a bit of revision.
"The city stood tranquil. The air was thick with dense fog, cascading upon the civilians, smelling of the sea. Few dared open their doors to greet this foul-smelling visitor, and so there were none to see a spectacle, one whose implications, ironically, meant so much for every beating heart, every foggy breath in the land." Although this is worded beautifully. The over use of commas splits it up a bit too much and creates a jittery image. Practise incorporating "And' a bit more and don't be a afraid to start a sentence anew. the effect it has tends to be slightly more pleasing to the reader than, lots, of, commas. But overall, the imagery is wonderfully flawless. Great piece.

Thank you. :D. When I originally wrote the story, it was for this state contest and they wanted a word limit of approximately 1,000 words. I tried to put a lot of my focus on consistent revisions to bring out the utmost meaning from every single world. I'm happy that you enjoyed the story for the conception and development. Yes, I use commas probably far more than I should. I suppose it's a habit produced from my obsessiveness over details. Thank you for your suggestion, and I will certainly keep this in mind as I work on some of my other literary pieces and possibly revise this particular story one more time. I'm happy you like it, and thank you for your suggestions and ideas. :D.



We are great at fearing the wrong things.
— Hank Green