z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 9.2

by TheSilverFox


Author's Notes: 1,077 words.  Probably one of my better parts thus far (which isn't saying much, but shhhhh)?  I always like writing about bear adviser/Valeri.

It was only a few minutes after sitting down that Valeri found himself in the one conversation that he had wanted to be in.

“How’s my son?” he asked, sitting on a small chair that strained and groaned under his weight. The tent wasn’t particularly large, nor did it contain much within it. There was a drawer to the side, a mirror resting atop it; beside the mirror was quill pen laying over several pieces of paper. A stout wooden rod in one corner held the polished blue-and-silver armor of Kasimir, which failed to glisten due to the sun’s shining at an odd angle. A large bed was positioned opposite the tent’s entrance, marked with blue curtains and a full wooden frame that would be a pain for anyone to carry if not for the fact that the Lord Walenty himself would assist in placing it in covered wagons during travels. Kasimir was utilitarian, but admired bright colors and intricate designs on anything he had, so the armor and curtains had an inlay of the emblem of Walenty – a sword protruding from a dragon’s maw to stab at a coiling snake, with a star overhead the scene. Valeri had never much liked that symbol.

The woman in the full suit of armor, holding a lance that nearly pierced the top of the tent, replied, “he does well.” The lady’s armor was black, but silver ceremonial epaulettes and a cape cemented her allegiance. “The country is wary of its king’s departure, but they are quieter and less troublesome than normal.”

“How’s my son?” Valeri reiterated, huffing in frustration as the chair beneath him threatened to give way, leather straps at the bottom struggling to uphold his large weight.

The woman’s voice didn’t change. “He keeps to his studies and wishes you well.”

“Is he keepin’ himself healthy?” questioned Valeri, accidentally clawing the armrests as he shuffled around.

“The boy runs and has been tended to by the best physicians, and his diet is acceptable,” she said hollowly.

He laughed in what was, thanks to his appearance, a deep voice that made it sound almost like a growl. The woman remained steadfast as ever as his reaction shifted to bemused and curious. “And the military? Pfanxi still alive?”

The suit of armor clinked as the lady nodded in response. “She has it easier than usual. Alsather and part of his government leaving means that their soldiers cannot be as hostile as before, though their people are more aggressive.”

As one of the legs on the seat finally snapped, forcing Valeri to stand up, he sounded disappointed. “I thought kickin’ out Alsather’s enemies would make his people happy, considerin’ they’re all a bunch of racists.”

“Aye,” said the woman in the suit of armor, nodding again. “Yet, in both countries, there is distrust. Everyone is afraid of the Mad King having arranged this meeting and inviting their leaders to come over. They fear that he might kill them, or at least create a bad deal that would grant him greater control over the other countries of the Confederacy.”

Valeri frowned. “I can see that,” he concluded, “’cause that’s what he wants to do. Have us dead or have us lorded over. And we’re supposed to be Claec’s enemies, so they probably trust us to take advantage of this thing.”

“That is why your son is asking if your life’s work is paying off.”

Valeri froze, his arms behind him and gripping the chair. His face (or, what was visible of it), scrunched up in frustration, beady eyes shrinking in size as he glared at her. The lady took a step back before he breathed a long sigh and hung his head. “Can’t shoot the messenger, ‘cause my its own son that doubts me, not you. Not like I can really fight anymore. Or ever could, now that I think about it. But Eimhin and Claec always were friends, and Walenty was born to shut up the snakes and push them into a puny state. Of course it’s taken me these few decades to try to push them apart, even with the Mad King madding it up. Ya’ can tell him that much, and if he rolls his eyes and tells you that’s what I’ve said every time, tell him it’s what I’ll keep saying until it happens.”

“And…” said the lady, hesitating, her lance hovering warily, “how are you negotiating with Alsather and his people?”

Rolling his eyes, Valeri responded, “same as ever. Kickin’ out his enemies and gettin’ them out of the country so he can say he’s done somethin’. We’re also workin’ together to see if we can force the Mad King to end this whole game when we get to speakin’ tomorrow, if it doesn’t take him ten minutes to get angry and quit. Speaking of, since you’ve come all this way, I’d like you to look out for somebody.”

“As you command,” said the woman, while Valeri turned out and bent over to shove the leg back in the chair. “What is his name and appearance?”

Finished, the bear groaned, having strained himself in that effort, and sat back down on the seat, which precariously wobbled but remained firm. “They call him Belisarius. He’s got a lot of facial hair and probably looks grumpy right now. Look for the guy in the shiniest and stupidest suit of green armor who looks more interestin’ than the others.”

“More so than Karikoff,” she replied. Valeri imagined her raising an eyebrow.

“Yep,” he said, the leg immediately falling off the chair as another one snapped and sent him toppling forwards. The woman stepped outside the tent to avoid his wide girth, and then walked back in and he rose up and pushed the broken chair into a corner. “It’s funny, ‘cause the Mad King hasn’t pushed Karikoff up to the front yet, but I bet I’ll come down tomorrow and hear he had a change of plans.”

“Not if we can stop him with a second playing card,” replied the soldier, bowing respectfully.

“That’s the idea, so get to it!” commanded Valeri as the lady bowed once more and exited, her lance briefly cutting the top of the tent so that a small amount of light flooded in. He laughed as he whispered an incantation and shifted back into Kasimir, who sighed exasperatedly as the King spotted the roof and then peered behind him to find the broken chair.


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Wed Dec 27, 2017 5:43 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



I'm just gonna skip the technical comments because I saw a thing and had to comment on it before I forgot:

1. I'm sorry. Did you name a character Pfanxi? I?? Can't??? Pronounce???? (Also--she? he?--they were mentioned by name once, and I'm sorry but you can't just drop a name like that on me.)

Also I should have commented on this earlier but I can't believe you named a character Valeri. That's basically my name.

2. Really the only part of this chapter that I didn't get was the little bit at the end? Is Valeri also Kasimir? What? If you've mentioned this before, I'm sorry for not remembering, but sometimes I feel like you don't do a solid job of establishing your rules for what's possible and what's not with the magic, so I'm not sure how to interpret some things.

3. But still, point No. 2 was really the only part I had issue with. The interaction between the soldier and Valeri manages a wonderful balance between serious and whimsical, and that's honestly one of my favorite tones in literature. Plus it was nice to see another aspect of the we-all-hate-Cath plot. Or the greater plot. The personal string-pulling and family problems probably would never come up in a group setting, and now that you've illustrated Kasimir/Valeri's perspective, I'm looking forward to seeing what all of the other Confederacy folks think when they're by themselves.

That's all for this part. Keep it up!
-Buggie




TheSilverFox says...


No, you're true, I didn't explain my magic system that well. Long story short, Valeri 'bonded' with Kasimir; this is basically a process where each person can process the senses of the other on command (see through the other's eyes, hear what they hear, etc.) Valeri died a while ago (you really don't want to know why, but I can tell you if you ask), but Kasimir effectively has a copy of his brain, so Valeri and Kasimir share a body. And that leads to what you see here.

Hrngh I know how to pronounce Pfanxi's name, but I can't seem to write it down (stupid x). The p is silent, though, and the rest is sort-of like fawnx-ee? And yeah, she is relevant, she just won't be mentioned much at this point, especially because she's not anywhere near the major settings. Her name is really more foreshadowing than anything else right now. Otherwise, I'm happy you like everything! I always like writing about Valeri, and it's good to see I managed to elaborate on things and demonstrate the we-all-hate-Cath plot (stealing the name, by the way). Thanks for the review!



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Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:26 am
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Grammar and Syntax

I don't have any problems with your grammar and/or syntax, so I'll just move onto the other parts of the review.

Characters

Valeri has such an interesting personality! I think I may have mentioned this in a previous review, but he's one of the characters who stand out the most. The dialect you use for him is one of the things that sets him apart, but I also think his actions - like when he doesn't harm the woman who told him his son's opinion. That speaks volume to his character. I can't wait to read more about him in the future chapters.

Plot

I'm still a little unclear on what exactly is going on, but I'm going to try rereading what you've written of Blessed Are The People over my upcoming winter break. That should hopefully help, but I'll have to get back to you on that after this review is posted.

Sorry for how short this review is.

I really enjoyed reading your work. While there may have been a few rough spots, it's overall a wonderful piece of writing. If you feel like some parts of my review need further explanation or just aren't good enough, please let me know. I'd gladly clear up anything about this review.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!




TheSilverFox says...


Yeah, with the number of small hints and plot threads flying around, it'll probably help to read back over this. Of course, given my lack of an ability to explain things, that may not be totally beneficial, but it doesn't hurt to try. In any case, I'm happy you liked the story! Valeri's one of my favorite characters to write for, given his dialect and general temperament (I remember Lumi liked him as well). It's good to see he's memorable, and that you liked the part overall. Thanks for the review!




Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink