E - Everyone

Chapter One - Brothers Feud (not sure if im keeping the tittle)

Chapter One

A smile formed on Katie’s face as she felt the familiar rhythm of her horse’s canter. It had been a long time since she had ridden, her responsibilities with her schooling kept her busy, and it felt good to be back spending time with her horse.

Shadow had been her best friend as a kid, and even now; he had been there for her more than her own father had been. Lately though Shadow had become stiffer and slower. He couldn’t keep the pace with the other, younger horses. Katie didn’t mind though, she just loved riding with him. The familiarity made her feel like she was a child once more, free and without responsibilities.
As the last stretch of land came into view before her uncle’s estate, Katie slowed her horse and enjoyed the view. Her uncle’s estate wasn’t as large as many others but it still was larger than any place Katie had ever lived in. The rolling hills and little creeks everywhere made her feel close to nature. Katie loved nature and animals, anything to do with outside, yet her Aunt Margaret insisted she was to be closed indoors studying. The two things she hated doing.
She had a feeling her Aunt Margaret was disappointed in her, as much as her Aunt tried to hide it she still felt it every time her Aunt was near, that sense of disapproval. Her Aunt was a lady of nobility and grace, whereas Katie was interested in working with animals and being free, something a ‘young lady of the society’ should not be interested in.
I should have been born a boy, Katie thought to herself I would never have had to worry about if doing this or that was ladylike. I would never have to deal with Aunt Margaret’s constant disapproval, for what I do now would have been appropriate. Katie sighed and gently prodded Shadow into a trot.
If she wasn’t at her studies in half an hour her Aunt would ground her from riding… something her Aunt would happily do. Aunt Margaret had been iffy about letting her ride at all yet, with her uncle’s gentle reminders of how Katie needed the fresh air to be able to study better, she had finally agreed.
Katie dismounted Shadow and walked him to the stables. A stable boy came to take him but she shook her head, she rode him she would take care of him and make sure he was properly groomed and fed. Doing everything herself gave her more time with Shadow and prolonged having to face her Aunt. Walking to the last stall in the barn, the one that had Shadow painted on a board with all the ribbons he had won over the years around it, Katie brought him in it and then picked up a stray brush and began brushing his back.
“Good boy,” she crooned softly “I missed that. Haven’t ridden you in a while have I, sweetheart?”
Shadow’s ear twitched and he turned his head to look at her, as if to say, Go on, keep talking, I am always here to listen.
Katie smiled and scratched under his mane, “Hopefully I can convince Aunt Margaret to make this a daily habit, eh boy? Nothing wrong with spending my time with you is there?”
Shadow nickered softly, as if to say, A lot better spending your time with me instead of the people your Aunt Margaret wants you to.
Katie chuckled and wondered if she was imagining Shadow’s movements as him talking to her. She had always believed horses could understand and talk back in their own little ways. Was it true or was she just imagining it so she could have someone to talk to? Katie didn’t know.
Finished with giving him a good brush down she checked his water, it was fine. Checking his food she found it full too, she smiled and then snuck a few apples to him before saying one last goodbye and heading out of the stables. She started for the house, more like mansion, and used the servant’s entrance. That way she could make it to her room faster and pretend she had been there for a while.

***
Back in her own room, Katie kept her riding clothes on for they smelled of the stables. She took a deep breath and then sat back at the desk in the corner of her room. Her room was huge to her, for most of her rooms as a kid consisted of a hotel where her and her father stayed for a few days at a time, or sometimes even the stables with the horses. She didn’t mind sleeping in the stables; even though it was cold, she liked it with the horses.
Her father traveled around a lot, working. One day when Katie had turned sixteen he decided she needed the guidance of a woman so he sent her to live with her Aunt and Uncle, whom she had known very little back then. He visited at least once a month for a couple days before his work brought him off to some other place.
For the past three and a half years that was how it happened. Her father was away now, but they expected him back sometime next week. Katie smiled at the thought of seeing her father again. It had been a month and a half since she had seen him, he couldn’t make it to see her last month but he promised to stay twice as long this time.
When her father was around, she could usually get out of her studies and Aunt Margaret wasn’t so harsh on making her behave in a ‘ladylike behavior’. Her father’s visits meant a week off of being something she wasn’t... a lady. This time though, it would mean two weeks off.
A knock on the door brought Katie back from her thoughts; quickly she set her books out and grabbed a pencil making it look as if she were working on her studies, before she answered “Come in.”
The door creaked open and her uncle’s head appeared from the door. Katie set her pencil down in surprise, she had been expecting her Aunt, “Uncle, what brings you here?” she asked.
Ignoring her question her uncle looked at her books then to her and raised an eyebrow, “Expecting your Aunt, by any chance?”
Katie looked at her feet sheepishly and her uncle cackled with laughter, “It doesn’t matter dear, I have someone I would like you to meet, he is in the drawing room and I have come to escort you down.”
Katie looked at him confused, “He?” she asked.
Her Uncle nodded, and didn’t say anything more.
Katie looked down at her clothes; she was still wearing her old tunic over a pair of boy’s breeches. The outfit she usually rode in “Let me just change and I shall be out in a minute.”
Her uncle nodded and with a grin he left the room and waited outside.
Katie quickly changed into a more appropriate outfit for company, yet still casual. Then she opened the door and accompanied her uncle down the stairs and into the drawing room. As her uncle opened the door, Katie walked in and found a man with his back facing her looking at her uncle’s bookshelves. From what she could see of his features he was short, almost as short as her.
The man turned as the door opened to face them and Katie took a moment to study him. His hair was a lighter brown; in the light it sometimes appeared blondish. He was one of those people that seemed short and fragile yet she was willing to bet that starting a fight with him in a fight would prove unhealthy for the opponent.
He grew a small patch of hair on his chin yet the rest of his face appeared clean shaven. The one thing that struck Katie was his eyes; they were of a deep brown colouring and they held no emotion. Some people say that you can tell a lot about someone from looking into their eyes and Katie thought that was true. One look into his eyes and she already knew he was not someone to be reckoned with. Not to mention a look at the pistol hanging from his left side and two daggers on his left.
Her uncle moved in between the two of them, swaying his hand towards the man he began the introductions, “Katie,” he began looking towards me, “may I present Neil?”
Katie noticed that he never said the man’s last name and she briefly wondered why, yet had no time to ask it before her uncle continued, “Neil, may I present my niece, Katie?”
Katie curtsied as best as she could, which from her constant lessons with Aunt Margaret turned her awful curtsy to a semi-normal one, “It’s always a pleasure to meet a friend of my uncle’s,” she answered politely even though that wasn’t exactly true. Most of her uncle’s friends were boring.
The man moved his emotionless eyes from her uncle to her, “The pleasure is all mine, I’m sure.”
Katie smiled and waited for her uncle to continue, “Katie…your father has asked that we get another man to take your last bodyguard’s place…”
Realization dawned on Katie and she immediately shook her head, “I knew something was suspicious! My answer is no. Father promised after Mr. Blake left I would not have to have another bodyguard if I chose not to!”
Her uncle, not at all shocked with the response replied with a sigh, “I know I know, but your father is scared for your safety and wishes it. Who am I do deny him the sense of reassurance that his daughter is safe?”
Katie stared at him, “What is a bodyguard supposed to keep me safe from? Paper cuts?”
Neil cleared his throat and for the first time he spoke, his voice held a hint of amusement, “I wouldn’t joke to much about paper cuts Miss, you can kill a man by giving him a paper cut in the right place.”
Katie turned her deathly stare at Neil, “You think this is funny?” she asked, clearly daring him to say otherwise.
Neil accepted the challenge, “Quite.” He replied trying to hide his smirk.
Katie had half a mind to punch him yet she restrained herself, more because she knew he could probably block it faster than she could punch him, than for the sake of trying to retain her ladylike reputation. Instead she squared her jaw, letting him know that she was perfectly capable of handling the challenge also.
Katie glared at Neil and Neil in return smirked, which angered Katie even more. A second before Katie put her plan of hitting him into action, her uncle interrupted with a clear of his throat, “For the time being, Neil is going to stay here. When your father gets home next week you can take it up with him, understood?”
Katie nodded, yet still kept her death stare on so he knew she was not happy with this situation one bit.
Her uncle smiled, “Well now that, that is settled you can head back upstairs to your studies while I give Neil the layout and then he shall begin his duties.”
Without being excused, Katie left the room and went back to hers. She sat on her bed, not in the mood for school and thought of the day’s events.

***
Neil glanced around the house, studying its every section as they walked through it. Katie’s uncle, Lord Lockdon was blabbering on about how ‘high spirited’ his niece was and ‘my apologies’, yet Neil wasn’t really paying much attention. He was too busy trying to take everything in and get to know his whereabouts. If he didn’t know the house, inside and out, it would be hard to protect the girl, and he wanted to do his job properly.
Lord Lockdon showed him the house, yet Neil wished he could just explore it all himself. It would take less time and he would actually be able to concentrate on his work instead of having to listen to the man.
***
Katie lay on her bed, thinking of ways to ditch her new bodyguard when a light knock came from the door, “Who is it?” she asked sitting up and swinging her legs over the bed.
The familiar voice of Neil’s, came back “Me. May I come in?”
Katie didn’t feel like dealing with him so she replied, “No. My bedroom is off limits to you, if you are to protect me than you can stay just outside the door,” she answered emphasizing protect.
There was a silence before Neil answered, “I am right fine doing that, miss. First I need to check and make sure everything is safe then I will stand just outside the door,” he answered putting an extra emphasizing on the word safe.
Katie sighed, and opened the door, “Afraid there might be a skeleton in my closet?” she asked him.
Neil didn’t respond, instead he walked right and did a quick check of the room. As he finished he went over to the closet in the corner and opened it, “Nope, doesn’t look like any skeletons, no need to be afraid, miss.”
Katie glared at him, since nothing came to her mind that she could spit back at him she decided to focus on something else, “There is no need to call me, miss” she informed him, “Katie is just fine.” Katie hated being called miss it made her feel as if she was a stuck up snob like her mother’s friends.
Neil shut the closet and then started for the door, “I’ll be right out here if you need me…miss” then he walked out and shut the door behind him.
Katie heard him settle onto the chair that was sat outside her door for him. She clenched her fists and then went back to her studies. This next week is going to be a long one, she thought even though part of her liked having someone to banter with.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
Eros
Review
Eros wrote a review · Sun May 31, 2015 1:49 am

Hi Dear silentbagpipe!!

This is Eros here!!

Let me tell you one thing that the name "Margaret" in your story reminds me of the recent show I watched. Well...Anyways, the show has nothing to do with your story. Chapter one of your novel is really very intersting.It is very good starting of your novel and I think that the novel will be caried forward in a very beautiful way.

This is an introductory chapter. You have introduced the characters like niel, Katie and Margaret

You have started this novel with a nice bang and I know you are going to write something moving....I am waiting for your next chapters too. Plase write them as soon as you can.

Thank you so much Eros, sorry to say I quit this book...I have a couple other chapters written though

Heya, Christina here for a review!

Finally! One of your works. *evil laugh* Now I can rip it to shreds! Let's see... What can I find?

she was to be closed indoors studying.


Needs a comma between indoors and studying. ;)

The outfit she usually rode in


I believe you might have forgotten something at the end of this sentence. :P It's called a period.

Katie quickly changed into a more appropriate outfit for company, yet still casual.


I'd like to know what her clothes look like. Put her in a neon green skirt and a bright pink shirt! ;) :P

Katie curtsied as best as she could, which from her constant lessons with Aunt Margaret turned her awful curtsy to a semi-normal one,



This sentence doesn't really make much sense. Try reading it over. I'd suggest trying something like this...

Katie curtsied as best as she could, her once awful curtsy now semi normal thanks to the constant lessons with her Aunt Margaret.


Something like that. Feel free to use my suggestion, throw it out it the door, or whatever you feel like. :D

Neil glanced around the house, studying its every section as they walked through it. Katie’s uncle, Lord Lockdon was blabbering on about how ‘high spirited’ his niece was and ‘my apologies’, yet Neil wasn’t really paying much attention. He was too busy trying to take everything in and get to know his whereabouts. If he didn’t know the house, inside and out, it would be hard to protect the girl, and he wanted to do his job properly.


I like Neil's character, very sarcastic and overbearing. Fun! ;) But I would like to know what he thinks of Katie. Does he like her? Think that she's a spoiled brat? Is it like Katie, does he enjoy having someone to exchange insults with?

so she replied, “No. My bedroom is off limits to you, if you are to protect me than you can stay just outside the door,” she answered emphasizing protect.


Well, you kinda repeat yourself there. There's "she replied, and then "she answered." You need to remove one of them. I'd suggest the first one.

“I’ll be right out here if you need me…miss”


XD I love this sentence! He is such a brat. Awesome character!

Well, that's all I could find with the nitpicking. I love your Character's, every one of them. They are all original, fun, sometimes people that need to be hit, just awesome! Your plot, so far, is interesting. And it is promising to stay that way.

Well, nothing else to say, sooo...

KEEP WRITING! :D

Thanks so much Chrissy :P Love the review! I need all the help I can to change it into something good, so thanks! *evil grin*
Neil' character is one of my favorites :) Thanks again!

User avatar
rocketdog11
Review

Hello! RocketDog here for a review!

This is an interesting concept...the time period reminds me very much of the books that I have been reading recently. I think it was interesting to start out with Katie riding the horse -- women did ride horses in those days, but it was considered more of a "gentleman's" thing -- and we can see from the beginning that she is a young woman who thinks adhering to her domineering aunt's standards is ridiculous and acting like a proper "lady" is the last thing she wants to do. I have always liked that about stories that have to do with the Victorian Era -- it reminds me that women have always wanted to be their own people and not have to be governed by their superiors, or worse, men. So that was good. I also thought it was nice how you established the relationship between Katie and Shadow, her horse. It is evident that she is much closer to him than her aunt Margaret or her uncle Lord Lockdon.
All good things.

But then there is the sentences. You have lots of run-ons and commas in places where they are not needed. Commas can be hard to know where to put them, but if you're not sure, I always read the sentence to myself a couple times to see if it works with a comma or not. I feel that this, along with your run-ons, made the language of this first installment a bit hard to follow sometimes. That brings me to the language part of this: In the future, try to formalize it a bit. Some of it seems a little too casual for the occasion. Don't you think that if Katie were meeting a man she did not know, even if she were headstrong, she would not burst out on her uncle in front of him? The only reason I ask is because I have done some research on this time period.

Also: I would consider facade versus reality. Victorian novels, especially the ones written in our time, seem to have a big emphasis on that. Katie may be a girl with her own intentions and her own desires, like working with horses, but -- although she may not want to -- acting like a lady is important as well, especially for this situation. I know I may be reading into this a little too much, but for real authenticity to come across, you must, to a certain extent, adhere to social mores. Consider Niel's character too -- he does not seem to be very well-developed yet and that may just be because he will be later. But I would still do a little more development on him right from the beginning if he is going to be an important part of the story.

Excuse all the nattering. I think you have something really good here. I would just suggest cleaning it up a little more and formalizing it a bit. And always, always remember social mores. Don't let modern anachronisms trip them up.

~RocketDog

Thanks for the review RocketDog! I don't mind at all about the nattering because that's what I need to make my story better :) I get what you are trying to say and I will work on the formalizing and stuff :)

There are a few technical things that you'll have to fix. While your dialogue suits the time period, the actual text does not. With a historical fiction piece (if that's what it is), then you might want a more eloquent writing style.

Katie lay on her bed, thinking of ways to ditch her new bodyguard. Ditch is a contemporary word, and doesn't suit the time period. I would also recommend that you clean up the writing style a bit--maybe have some more elegant, more vivid words and phrases. Also, the talk about being ladylike is a bit redundant in fiction--it would be better to be more subtle with describing women's roles. Is Neil going to end up with Katie? If that's the situation, then it's a bit too predictable.
I hope you have really good luck with this project!--there are just some parts that need cleaning up.

I wrote this out for a friend of mine. :) No Neil and Katie are not going to get together though ;)

Thanks for the review I will try and work on my mistakes! :)



Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath