Published November 20, 2011
Rose of red,
You bleed.
Pushed down to your,
Knees.
A battle,
Against wind.
Against the forces,
That pull.
Afraid to be picked,
Misplaced from the crowd.
Afraid to be taken,
From the greenery shroud.
Soft petals that whisper,
Lost in the commotion.
Painted red,
To hide the emotion.
All they see is thorns.
Missing the glow...
A story is hidden,
But they dont know.
Just another flower,
Unseen among the rest.
But when it comes down to it,
You'll rise to fit the test.
When I cry,
Or wake at night,
You do not run,
But hold me tight.
When I say,
I cannot sleep.
You stay with me,
'til i'm in too deep.
When in silence,
You hear my shout.
Words I speak,
You never doubt.
When i'm afraid,
You take my hand.
When I am weak,
You help me stand.
When I feel broken,
Alone inside,
You open my eyes,
Won't let me hide.
When I feel empty,
You wrap around my waist.
As I lean forward,
You give me a taste.
Though I don't say,
You always seem to know,
All of the feelings,
I'm terrifed to show.
My love,
You're all seem to need.
Inside i'm healing,
Trying not to bleed.
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141,720 Literary Works • 675,610 Reviews
Hello there, Silence!!
First off, welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here as much as I do. My writing has improved so much since I first joined, and I've found that there are some incredible, friendly writers on here who've given me a lot of encouragement. If there's anything that you have any questions about, please feel free to ask! And now, on to the poem.
The first few sentences of any piece are the most important part. They bring the reader into your story and convince them to read more. Therefore, they absolutely have to be clear and concise. I made a few changes to the punctuation of the first part of your poem and edited the structure in a way that I feel is a bit less confusing; however, this is just a suggestion and you should stick with however you prefer your poem to be structured.
Reading on into the middle of your poem, I discovered that there is a very nice sense of rhythm to your writing that I couldn't detect right off the bat. One other thing that I'd also like to commend you on is how you kept the stanzas short. In a poem as long as this, it's important to keep the reader interested all the way through, and you managed to do that by chopping the poem up into manageable pieces. Great job there.
This is my favorite part of the poem. There's a sense of soft vulnerabilty about it that I like very much. It's beautiful.
I have one last little nitpick for you. It isn't necessary to capitalize the first word of each line; in fact, doing so distracts from what you're saying.
All in all, awesome work! I look forward to reading more from you!
Always always always keep writing!!!
-Rose
I've read a million love poems, and this is the first one that isn't sappy and stupid. Congrats. I really like the beginning two stanzas. It really jumped to life, calling them a bleeding flower in wind. I really like how the lines are so short, so the poem is fast-paced. It's a little bit lengthy, but definitely worth it in the end. I don't see any nit-picky errors and I can't really think of anything I'd suggest changing. Good job. This is great. Keep writing.