Published November 19, 2017
I can’t decide what's worse, the heat or the gnawing hunger that has been plaguing me for the past three hours. It’s bad enough that summer concert tickets cost a fortune, without having to deal with the pitfalls of waiting in a long, never-ending line just to get into the event. My stomach starts to make noises again, fighting to be heard over the shouts and laughter erupting out of the other concertgoers. I feel a faint tap on the back of my arm. Spinning around lazily, I come face to face with a half-eaten ham and cheese on rye. Without taking it from her, I bend down and take several bites. Unfazed, the grinning brunette continues to hold up her sandwich, daring me to keep eating it from her hands. The short shorts and crop top were unsurprising, but the wide-brimmed fedora mysteriously rubs me the right way. The fact that it seems several sizes too big for her only serves to emphasize her cute, sprite-like physique. I chew the gift, watching her bounce enthusiastically up and down on the balls of her feet. “It’s Hayley by the way” she laughs, “also help me, I can’t seem to figure out if you’re into me or my sandwich.” “Both” I reply, finishing up the rest of her lunch.
I watch as my dark-haired target wipes leftover crumbs from his lips, and curse myself for missing the opportunity to brush my fingers against his annoyingly calm face. The same face I’ve been obsessing over ever since I had stepped into line. I can’t decide what I’m drawn to more, the freckles that are sprinkled over his nose and cheeks or his shiny, silver pendant necklace that goes perfectly with his white t-shirt and jeans. We turn and watch as people near the front begin to riot, struck with the kind of madness that can only come from a mix of liquor, summer heat, and civil liberties. Seizing my chance, I grab his arm with one hand and shield my eyes from the sun with the other. “It’s times like these I wish I had a boyfriend who’d let me sit on top of his shoulders” I confess, looking up at him with my signature Bambi eyes. Taking the hint, he hoists me up onto his broad shoulders with as much effort as it took to polish off my sandwich. “So what do I get out of this Hayley” he jokes, “I wouldn’t do this for just anyone.” “I don’t know, what were you thinking of?” I ask innocently, wrapping myself tighter around his neck and playfully running my hands through his curly hair. In two smooth, swift movements he pulls me back down and brings me right in front of him. I smile knowingly as he pulls me up into a kiss. “It’s Evan by the way” he reveals when we finally break away, before returning me to my rightful place on his shoulders.
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139,759 Literary Works • 672,717 Reviews
Hey! Well, first things first I really did enjoy this. It interweaved so much into just a couple paragraphs. It really is amazing how you can fall for someone so quickly isn't it?
This story, as @Radrook pointed out, is very descriptive. You can see the characters and that's always a good thing in a story, short stories in particular.
Things to Work On:
“It’s Hayley by the way”
So here there should be a comma after Hayley. I learned this from @Pandemonium I believe (can't quite remember). This also applies here, “So what do I get out of this Hayley” before Hayley and here “It’s Evan by the way” after Evan.
____________________________________________________________________________
“It’s Evan by the way”
“It’s Hayley by the way”
I'm not sure if you meant this to be this way because if you did it's totally fine. But if not maybe consider chaning the phrasing because it's a bit redundent.
I think I decided to review this because believe it or not I met my current crush at a concert and his name is Evan.
Happy Writing!
-Niko
Hey! Well, first things first I really did enjoy this. It interweaved so much into just a couple paragraphs. It really is amazing how you can fall for someone so quickly isn't it?
This story, as @Radrook pointed out, is very descriptive. You can see the characters and that's always a good thing in a story, short stories in particular.
Things to Work On:
“It’s Hayley by the way”
So here there should be a comma after Hayley. I learned this from @darkpandemonium I believe (can't quite remember). This also applies here, “So what do I get out of this Hayley” before Hayley and here “It’s Evan by the way” after Evan.
____________________________________________________________________________
“It’s Evan by the way”
“It’s Hayley by the way”
I'm not sure if you meant this to be this way because if you did it's totally fine. But if not maybe consider chaning the phrasing because it's a bit redundent.
I think I decided to review this because believe it or not I met my current crush at a concert and his name is Evan.
Happy Writing!
-Niko
First, thanks for sharing. Interesting how the story weaves so many things into that situation. Hunger, heat, riot, physical attractions, and finally a very titillating image of a female wrapping her legs around a man’s head and being kissed. That’s a lot of vibrant imagery which makes the story come alive in the reader’s mind.
What stands out most, though, is the story's effort in confusing the MC's gender by having the reader assume maleness and then revealing that it was a bisexual female..
Suggestion:
The phrase “has been” and “the past” constitutes a redundancy. If it “has been”, then it is obviously in the past.
“....has been plaguing me for three hours.”
Paragraphing would make it easier on the eyes to read.