HELLO I LOVE REVIEWING YOUR WORKS so I hope you don't mind me here! ^_^ I realized I never read this, and it's a collab, so it SOUNDS AWESOME!! I'll just get straight into it ^_^ (I didn't really read the other reviews, so I really hope I'm not repetitive!!)
Death is but a memory to me. It’s most of what I see nowadays all across Vienna and the world at large-- thousands of people in Needy Lines awaiting meals, rooms, supplies, all of them homeless during the long winter months. Many will die, and the rich will do nothing about it.
Ahh </3 what a heartbreaking image to start off on! The last sentence is blunt and painfully true, and already this paragraph sets up a bleak and hopeless atmosphere.
Also, maybe whoever wrote this part meant it in a different way than I'm about to interpret it xD but if death is so very common, wouldn't it not be a memory? instead, I feel like it should be something prominent. maybe something like "death doesn't faze me" or anything like that might work better? I don't know though xD just a thought!
It’s not their fault that this is happening to them. Work is hard enough to come by, and so many would rather keep the wealth to themselves rather than share it.Some, like my husband, made bad investments by choosing locomotives over the airships. They’re broke.
Ahh okay, so we are getting even more exposition here! Further setting up the bleak atmosphere and showing all of the things wrong happening in this area. Feels like we went back in time (except for the airships part omg I want to know more about that xD)
“Professor Knight?”
THAT'S A COOL LAST NAME, HELENA SOUNDS AWESOME HAHA
My eyes opened, and I was drawn back into class. “Yes, Lucille?”
“The bell rang.”
I think it would be cool if you could add some description here. When her eyes opened, what did she see? What was the classroom like? How about the boy who called her, what does he look like? That can help slow your chapter down and provide an easier transition from the flashback back to the present
I do agree with your other reviewer that the chapter may seem a bit info-dumpy xD I can understand though, because there are four of you, and it might be hard to organize your thoughts when there are four different brains flowing with thoughts and ideas. I just thought I'd point that out, so you could try to figure out the best way to introduce the material! ^_^
Just as I hardly ate. Sleeping was a rarity as well.
Was this meant to be one sentence, maybe?
Ormshire Keep was my place of work. I have to date been a history professor and assistant dueling teacher for almost half a century. I had spent a decade here as a student, and before I became a teacher, I frequented the school’s library each Saturday. This school has been my life these past fifty-eight years, and my nine years before school now seem to be grim and bland.
I think this paragraph in particular may be info-dumpy. Is there any other way you could introduce that she had been an assistant dueling teacher? Maybe she's cleaning her classroom and she finds something that she used to use as an assistant that brings back those memories, so you could subtly introduce the idea. Maybe you could have her putting away her library card and slip in that she goes/used to go a lot and that's why she carries it around everywhere. Just some thoughts for you to consider! ^_^
silently wondered to myself whether or not i was bothering her.
I felt this lol
Shoving those thoughts aside, I lifted the iron handle and walked into her classroom.
OOH, AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THEIR CONVERSATION????
This was quite an interesting chapter! I'm not really sure what's going to happen, like what the plot or conflict is going to be, but maybe more will be revealed in a later chapter! And like Lib, I do hope her days get better and that you won't torture your character anymore than she already is xD It does seem like there's a lot on her mind; she missed the bell twice, so she must've been super deep in thought. It does seem like she's kind of stuck where she is in life right now, and everything is just the same old routine. Maybe she does need something exciting to happen, LIKE AN ADVENTURE!!!
I'm super impressed that you all wrote this chapter together, this is so neat and organized for so many writers! I don't know how you guys were able to do it, but I really admire you all xD I can't wait to see where this is taken!!
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