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Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

Ahsoka Tano - One (Revised)

by Riverlight


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Trigger Warnings: Death, child birth (non-detailed), and discussion regarding death and dark topics are found in this chapter.

»»——⍟——««

1,777 Words

»»——⍟——««

Light shone through the cave entrance, flooding the rocky hole. The ground was covered in dust and sand. An orange-skinned Togruta with blue-striped white lekku and white face markings sat silently, meditating. Her eyes were shut, brownish-gray lips pursed as she slowly breathed in and out through her nose. Something was wrong with the Force: pain, death, anguish, and fear were flooding the galaxy. Then, a shift-- hope and wisdom joined the other thoughts and emotions. One stronger in the Force was reaching out.

"Master Yoda?" she breathed.

"Ahsoka!" the small green being called cheerfully. "A joy it is to hear you voice again."

"Master, I-- we were all deceived," she began quickly. "We were lied to. What happened to the Jedi? I can't sense any of them-- Skywalker, Kenobi, Unduli, Koon... None of them."

"Alive, Master Kenobi is," Yoda replied, maintaining his calm voice. "The answers you seek, with me they lie. To Polis Massa, the asteroid facility, you must go. Much explaining, there is to do, young one."

"Yes, Master."

"Eagerly await your arrival, I do. Go now, Ahsoka; dark times lie ahead, May the Force be with you."

"And with you, Master," Ahsoka breathed as she opened her eyes. The Togruta relaxed, allowing her muscles to be free once more. Slowly, she stood up, dusting the sand off of her clothes. Why is he sending me to an old medical shuttle out in an asteroid belt? she thought as she began to leave the cave. I need answers.

»»——⍟——««

Ahsoka stepped off of the ramp of her ship, warily glancing around. A familiar face stood not far away, auburn hair glowing beneath the metallic lights of the asteroid facility. "Master Kenobi!" she cheerfully cried as she rushed towards her former mentor.

"Ahsoka!" Obi-Wan opened his arms as she came towards him. Once she was close, he brought her in for a hug, holding her closely as though he was afraid to let her go. Smiling, he said, "It's such a relief to see that you're alright!" He released her and motioned towards a hallway. "Master Yoda is this way."

Ahsoka nodded and motioned for him to lead the way. Their steps gently tapped agaisnt the steel floor. "Why are we here? Is Anakin inside?"

"It's... best you see with your own eyes." Obi-Wan looked away from her as they walked together, passing droids and other passersby. "What happened on Madalore? Where is Maul?"

"He... technically escaped," Ahsoka admitted. "I may or may not have let him escape... My troops turned on me, but I managed to bring Rex back to his senses. We barely escaped... He's chosen to stay in Seelos, at least for now..."

Obi-Wan looked away from her for a moment. "The same happened to all Jedi everywhere... As far as I'm aware, we're all that's left."

"I know he's not to be trusted, but Maul told me secrets about the Sith... concerning things... about Anakin."

Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks and turned around, eyes narrowed. "What did he tell you?"

Ahsoka looked up to the older man. "He said that Anakin was being groomed to be Sidious's apprentice after Dooku's death. He said that soon Anakin would fall to the dark side. Before the Clones turned on me, just before he did, I felt something in the Force. Something dark... cold. I didn't understand it, Master. Is Anakin alive?"

Obi-Wan turned around and started walking again, turning a corner. Following him, Ahsoka made out the figures of Master Yoda and Bail Organa standing beside a glass wall. A woman dressed in white lay on a table inside, surrounded by medical droids.

"Padmé!" Ahsoka rushed towards the door, but Yoda stuck his walking stick in front of her.

"Go in, you cannot," the ancient green creature murmured. "Talk with myself and Obi-Wan, you must."

Tears streaked down the Togruta's face. "But Master, I can feel something's wrong with her. What's going on? How can I help?"

"First, we can talk about your question," Obi-Wan began. "Sidious did indeed take a new apprentice, a man by the name of Darth Vader. Vader took a group of clones to combat any Jedi remaining at the temple. He struck Anakin down."

"No," Ahsoka breathed. That's not possible. It isn't possible. Her tears flowed steadily now, trickling down her face and onto the floor. He's not dead, she thought. He's the greatest Jedi in the Order, he can't be dead, that's not possible. She took a step back and covered her eyes, head shaking. He's not dead!

"Excuse me, miss, gentlemen." Ahsoka uncovered her eyes. A medical droid had come out into the hall. Through her tears, she saw that it was wringing its metallic hands. "Medically, she's completely healthy. For reasons we can't explain, we are losing her."

"She's dying?" Obi-wan asked, astounded.

"We don't know why," the droid affirmed. "She has lost the will to live. We need to operate quickly if we are to save the babies."

"Babies?" Organa inquired, speaking for the first time.

"She's carrying twins."

Ahsoka whipped her head around, lekku almost slapping her in the face. "Anakin," she whispered to herself. They're his. They must be. He's gone, and now... oh no...

"Go inside, you may." Yoda stood a little straighter as he looked at the former Padawan. "See her, you can. Happy she will be to see an old friend."

Ahsoka and Obi-Wan watched as the droid floated back inside, following a few seconds later. Padmé lay on the table, whimpering quietly, pain in her quiet cries. Ahsoka reached for the senator's hand on one side of the table; Obi-Wan stood silently to the side. Ahsoka never knew how long she'd been standing there when the first child came.

"It's a boy," one of the droids beeped as it passed the newborn to Ahsoka.

"Luke," Padmé moaned.

"Luke," Ahsoka murmured. "That's a good name." She gently bounced the small baby in her arms, rocking him back and forth. "This reminds me of my first mission..."

"With the Hutts?" Obi-Wan asked.

Ahsoka nodded as one of the droids announced, "The second baby is coming."

The Togruta turned towards the Jedi Knight in the corner and passed off baby Luke to him before returning to Padmé's side. "You're almost there, Padmé, you're doing really well. Just a little bit longer, okay? Just a little bit longer..."

Time passed again without warning; then, the cries of a second baby entered the room. "It's a girl," the droid said as it passed the child to Ahsoka.

"You hear that Padmé?" Ahsoka asked quietly. "A girl. It's a girl."

"L... Leia," the senator breathed. Obi-Wan walked over to the group so that both newborns were on either side of their dying mother. "Luke and Leia..." The woman's brown eyes began to grow dim. "Take... care of them..." Her breathing slowed, head laying to one side.

"No." Ahsoka's voice trembled as she looked upon the dying face of Padmé Amidala. New tears sprang forth from her eyes, sliding down her face and off of her chin. She nestled Leia close to her, bowing her head respectfully. "I'm sorry I failed you, Padmé... I'm so sorry..."I couldn't protect Anakin. I couldn't protect you.

"She's gone," the droid interrupted. "I am sorry for your loss."

"Let's give the children to the droids, they'll need to be fed," Obi-Wan decided. "We need to speak with Master Yoda and Senator Organa."

Absently, Ahsoka passed Leia off and followed the Jedi Knight.

»»——⍟——««

One of the crew compartments had been made into a makeshift nursery for the twins. Ahsoka stood alone, silently watching them both as they slept. The Togruta had no idea what would happen to the twins now-- Padmé was gone, Anakin was gone, they had no other family.

Anakin would've wanted them to train as Jedi, but that's not possible now, Ahsoka scoffed to herself.

One of the babies began to quietly whine. Ahsoka looked down at Luke and then turned her head to Leia, who was starting to cry as well. Ahsoka's heart sank; the woman they wanted, needed was gone and would never come to them. She reached her hands down to both of them and let the pair graps at her index fingers.

"There, there, little ones," she cooed quietly. "How about a change of scenery?"

She picked up Leai in one arm and then Luke in the other, carefully cradling them both. She pressed a button on the wall with her back, and the door slid open. Ahsoka stepped out into the hall and turned left, steps echoing in her head. She came to another door and it slid open automatically. Yoda, Organa, and Obi-Wan were all seated inside around a table.

"We must take them somewhere that the Sith will not sense their presence," Obi-Wan said quietly as he leaned over the table.

"Mm," Yoda breathed. "Split up they should be."

"They're coming with me," Ahsoka announced suddenly.

Yoda turned to the Togruta. "Padawan Tano?"

"They need me. Their parents are dead. I can't trust their lives to anyone else, not even you."

"Ahsoka, be reasonable," Obi-Wan cut in. "These children are our only hope."

"That's exactly why I can't let you separate them," she persisted. "We all failed Anakin. I refuse to fail his children."

"If they stay together, the Sith are more likely to find them," her old mentor reasoned. "They'd be in danger."

"Not in as much danger as they'd be with you watching over them."

"Anakin was my brother, too." Obi-Wan sat back in his chair, arms crossed. "I understand how you're feeling. I only want what's best for them."

"With Ahsoka, the children will go," Yoda interrupted. Ahsoka's eyes widened in surprise as the green Jedi continued, "Communed with Qui-Gon Jinn, I did. Instructed to bring Ahsoka here, I was. Believe this to be the will of the Force, I do."

"Master Qui-Gon... he was the one that found Anakin, wasn't he?" Ahsoka asked.

"Indeed," Yoda replied with a nod. "Training he has, for Obi-Wan and I."

"My master spoke to you?" Obi-Wan had leaned forward, eyes weary with some lost hope.

"Go with the children, Ahsoka must. Until the time is right, disappear, we will."

"I'll take good care of them, Obi-Wan." Ahsoka craddled the twins against her chest. "I promise."

"I have no doubt that you will, I just want you to stay safe. Do not hesitate to contact me at the first sign of trouble," the Jedi Knight replied.

"Ahsoka, anticipate Qui-Gon contacting you, I do." Yoda stood, leaning heavily on his cane. "Meditate on this, you must,"

"I will not fail, Masters."


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Fri Jul 16, 2021 4:38 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Heya Vil,

Here with a review, as requested! Let's see what you've got for me...

An orange-skinned Togruta with blue-striped white lekku and white face markings sat silently, meditating.


oh deer in this moment they realize it's a fanfiction of a fandom they're not a part of

"Alive, Master Kenobi is," Yoda replied, maintaining his calm voice. "The answers you seek, with me they lie. To Polis Massa, the asteroid facility, you must go. Much explaining, there is to do, young one."


Yoda's dialogue feels a bit off to me. I know that his whole thing is talking weird -- but this feels like it's a slightly different flavor of weird than is cannon. I don't really have any suggestions for improvement at the moment, but it's something to keep an eye on.

A familiar face stood not far away, auburn hair glowing beneath the metallic lights of the asteroid facility.


Be careful with using "not" phrases when you can just say what you mean instead. Like, there's no need to say "not far away" when you could just say something like "nearby" instead. Or, even better, describe how far away they're standing. Within arm's reach? A few steps? A few meters? "Not far away" can mean a lot of things.

"He... technically escaped," Ahsoka admitted. "I may or may not have let him escape... My troops turned on me, but I managed to bring Rex back to his senses. We barely escaped... He's chosen to stay in Seelos, at least for now..."


You repeat the word "escape/d" here 3 times. That's a lotta repetition and you should try to edit one or two of them out if you can. It should be fairly easy to do so. Like, instead of "I may or may not have let him escape" you could say something like "I may have allowed him to do so" or something. And instead of "We barely escaped" you could say something like "We barely made it out alive" or something like that. These aren't like hard-and-fast suggestions, but repetition is one of my pet peeves so you got to experience the Shady-rant about repetition. ;)

"Go inside, you may." Yoda stood a little straighter as he looked at the former Padawan. "See her, you can. Happy she will be to see an old friend."


Why the change? It's not super clear to me why he refused to let her in before and now is letting her go without being asked. I know we got the Dramatic News that Padme is dying, but it still feels a little random. What about rather than telling her she can't go in at the start he just starts talking to her instead to keep her out here, then at this point he can invite her to go in like this?

The Togruta turned towards the Jedi Knight in the corner and passed off baby Luke to him before returning to Padmé's side.


It's confusing that you switched to calling them the Togruta and the Jedi Knight here after you've already given them names. Usually using terms like this would be for before the characters have names you can use for them. But, these have already been named. Why not just have "Ahsoka turned towards Obi-Wan"?

Just an illustration of what I mean, which sounds more natural:

Jerica turned a glare on Derik.

The King's Assassin turned a glare on the War Lord.

You see what I mean? You can use the titles when you don't know who is talking or doing what, but it just feels off when you do it for characters that we already know.

"They need me. Their parents are dead. I can't trust their lives to anyone else, not even you."


This feels a tiny bit aggressive :/

~

Nice chapter! I admit I'm not well-versed in fanfiction, it's not a genre I typically read to know what to critique for it. If this were a normal piece of fiction I'd suggest that you spend more time developing Ahsoka's character so that we can empathize with her better... but I'm honestly not sure what it is that I should already know about Ahsoka to know if that's valid advice here or not.

But, overall, great work! It was an enjoyable read c:

~Shady

P.S. don't worry about giving me any extra points,,, just wanted to help out a bud :' ) (and I also already have more points than I know what to do with xD)




Riverlight says...


eep already sent them before reading XD

Thank you so, so, so, so much <333 This is very helpful and it tells me a lot more from an outside perspective.



Shady says...


<3



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Sun Jul 04, 2021 6:45 pm
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sam2es wrote a review...



Wow, the way you describe things is astoundingly well! "The ground was covered in dust and sand. An orange-skinned Togruta with blue-striped white lekku and white face markings sat silently, meditating." was super well made, and you did a good job of blending story telling with dialogue. Something not a lot of authors have is the ability to leap from dialogue to description very well but it seems you've got the hang of it. Not to mention the attention to detail with each character, something that goes along with making fan-made content is having to find a way to make it original while also staying true to the original content, which i think you did very well. Good job, and I'm excited to see more! (p.s ; I love the way you formatted the beginning)





The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz