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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Monochrome

by TheRecluse


The monochrome surrounds me,

Black. White. Black. White. 

And then again.

I strain to hear something new,

All you hear is a constant beeping in this world.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Crack. Boom.

I turn and see something,

Something new.

A creature I've never seen before.

It looks vaguely familiar,

It is me, but not me.

It's hair is not black, but red.

I take in its body. Also colorful.

I stop when I reach its eyes.

Those eyes.

Someone long dead had told me about eyes like those,

Eyes that reflect color even in a monochrome world.

The haze around the creature is inviting and warm.

I reached out in an attempt to become like it,

When I touch it it darkens.  Of course.

It now blends in with the background.

Like a wisp of smoke it disappears,

Only to leave a lingering scent.

In this dimension everything is monochrome,

For the color does no good.

It is but a two sided blade.

It'll seep in through the cracks of a saddened man's conscience,

Make you laugh and smile,

Only to break you seconds later.

So let's continue living in a monochrome world.

The one with no surprises,

Only black and white.


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60 Reviews


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Fri Jul 31, 2015 1:11 pm
Vex15 wrote a review...



Wow, this is a good poem. Let me start with a better introduction... I noticed you just joined yesterday, so welcome to Yws!! I hope you'll have fun and enjoy it here, since there's many things to love. If you ever have a question, come and ask me- I've been here about a week so I know a lot already about yws.

Hi there! CatLover211 here; you asked us to review so I'll give you a review. And a good, positive one since I have no negatives about this poem. :) It was moving in a way. Kind of haunting and mysterious, and also creepy because of the creature. You've written a great piece of work, and I encourage you to share with friends and family!

The 'eyes reflecting color' part of this poem was eerie yet intriguing. No one could see color in a monochrome world. I've seen monochrome before, in a room decorated completely like that, so you do a great job of showing and not telling. It's true in some sort.

You have a wonderful poem here, and I strongly encourage you to write more and post them. This is creative and unique, so I hope you'll love reading others that are similar to yours. Good job! You have skill and talent, so keep up! :P Have an awesome day! Happy writing!




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Fri Jul 31, 2015 9:06 am
Enemy wrote a review...



Hey there TheRecluse,

Enemy here, just dropping by to give you a bit of creative advice and hopefully help you fix a few errors.

Lets begin shall we?


"The monochrome surrounds me,

Black. White. Black. White.

(Above, reading this it's gone very long pauses and potentially slows down the flow a lot, maybe you should minimise the use of fullstops and introduce the use of commas, for people reading it grammatically correct, or if I was reading this to somebody else, they may get a bit tiresome by the time it came around to the second 'black)

And then again.

(Is this "And then again." really needed here, maybe it would have been better to not include it at all)

I strain to hear something new,

All you hear is a constant beeping in this world.

(I and you, maybe change "I strain" to straining.
And then saying "All I hear.."

-
Beep. Beep. Beep.

Crack. Boom.
-
(Extreme overuse of fullstops here)

I turn and see something,

Something new.
(The repetition of something doesn't really work here, maybe in a case of a build up of suspense before hand it might have, but I'd suggest changing or removing the second 'something')

A creature I've never seen before.

It looks vaguely familiar,

It is me, but not me.

It's hair is not black, but red.

I take in its body. Also colorful.

("I take in its body. Also colorful." what are you trying to say here? I understand that you're looking at possibly a reflection or a manifestation but you're not clear enough)

I stop when I reach its eyes.

Those eyes.

Someone long dead had told me about eyes like those,

Eyes that reflect color even in a monochrome world.

(I'm starting to get completely lost at this point, it started off completely different, I feel the continuity of the story behind the poem has been completely lost, you're dropping too many points)

The haze around the creature is inviting and warm.

I reached out in an attempt to become like it,

(are you not already the same, but just different, I'm assuming you're trying to find a bit of colour)

When I touch it it darkens. Of course.

("When I touch it it darkens. Of course." it it*)

It now blends in with the background.

Like a wisp of smoke it disappears,

Only to leave a lingering scent.

In this dimension everything is monochrome,

For the color does no good.

It is but a two sided blade.

(Why?)

It'll seep in through the cracks of a saddened man's conscience,

(Creature/man/make up your mind, you've gone really far off topic here, I feel as if too many conflicts and actions are happening and it's just confusing me and making it hard to read"

Make you laugh and smile,

Only to break you seconds later.

("Make you laugh and smile,

Only to break you seconds later."

I do like these lines, it's a love hate oxymoron kinda thing, you don't necessarily want the colour, a light within yourself image is reflected in what I think is a manifestation of something brighter, it's out of place, but beautiful if only for a few seconds"

So let's continue living in a monochrome world.

The one with no surprises,

(There was a surprise, a colourful creature that was apparently like yourself but not?)

Only black and white."



My personal opinion is that, you strayed away from topics too much at certain points, you should and could have portrayed the introduction of colour a bit better, however you confused me when I read it, and I'm probably a lot older then most of the audience on here.

I think maybe bringing it back to the drawing board, fixing the pauses, and building suspense to the introduction of the colourful creature would make it a whole lot better.

However, good work, very creative and different.

Maybe everyone is monochrome, a colour is something we all aim to find one day?

Good work.




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Fri Jul 31, 2015 3:15 am
elysian wrote a review...



Hello!

So this poem is interesting, but there are some things that could help it. The period at the end of each line makes it almost too choppy. Maybe add some commas instead of periods? also, I feel like you could've added a little more depth and description, cause I was kind of confused when the girl could see color.

reminds me of the giver :-)

-Lylas




TheRecluse says...


Thank you for replying. I'll edit it a bit. thanks for the suggestions!




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