Hindsight Is A Beautiful Thing

Hello, ThePretentiousEnema! I'm Euph and I'm here to review your poem. c:

Let me just start off by saying that this reminds me as almost a type of therapy: It calms the reader down as they read about being set free, and gives off an Ora of peace and releases pent up tension.

Pros: Your vivid details of darker times being released into a sanctum of regret that remains blissful is truly impeccable. You place such clear images in the readers mind. I must applaud you for these efforts, a wonderful job on that indeed.

Cons: None! This is beautifully written, no complaints.

This poem has truly great potential! Keep up the good work, kiddo. If you have any questions, feel free to either message me or post a comment upon my wall.
Sincerely yours,
Euph

I, to be honest, actually liked this poem. My only problem-It comes off as trying too hard to be what it certainly is not: A philosophical, dark, retrospective piece. I think, and maybe this is just me, that poems are at their best when they are, not trying to be. ( does that make sense?) I think you just need a little practice and patience and I'm sure you'll get there; I'm not saying it's easy to write, and I get what you're trying to achieve, but I think you might have just have missed the mark, not because you're a bad writer, but because you tend to overly dramatize some parts.
One more suggestion-The line 'A dark banshee of your yesterdays'
should maybe be changed to something like 'A dark banshee "from" your "past"'
Keep it simple, they're usually the best ones out there.

Hi ThePretentiousEnema,

Rarely does a username dictate the content of the poem but I think you've nailed it, so to speak. This is a wash of ridiculous contortion that serves to remind you how good you look in a mirror while reminding the reader that he made a mistake in ever visiting such a naive read. You do this, you do that. Very, very few people can make the second tense seem workable and rest assured, this narrator is not one of them. It comes off as - you guessed it - pretentious and assuming of the reader's intentions. But that's not the worst of it.


There's no imagery here, save for the half-hearted mention of a stone and some colors like black (what a surprise). This poem is trying admirably hard to be insightful and deep, with all the cliched "torment" and "despair" and "darkness" and "shrouded" and so on, so forth. Do you see the great harm in forcing the theme into the reader's eyes instead of allowing him to unravel it on his own? The former often ends up taking away any merit in the poem itself and becomes a tug of war between the narrator's dogma and that of the reader. The latter, however, is what makes true poetry. Imagery is key. It is the lit sign that leads us to the end of the tunnel, to a new day, without having to pluck us out of the darkness by force and throw us into the sunlight - obviously unpleasant. Don't tell us about looking back in despair, just show us what there is to be sad about. Don't talk about the master-slave relationship, describe it in their actions so that we the readers can do the legwork ourselves and synthesize this poem rather than just eating it.

The strange indentation appears to be a wild and last-minute recognition of the fact that this poetry has no discernible features that distinguish it from a 16-year-old child's "philosophical" treatise written in a diary after a particularly bad day. So of course the indents are there to tell the reader, to desperately get the reader to understand, that this in fact a poem. This work has meaning, it has worth, it is interesting to the reader - even if he doesn't know it after one readthrough or two.

In essence, imagery. Learn how to use it. And don't use second-person. Actually, let's take this one step further and toss the whole faceless thing out the window; start on something new, fresh, and palatable.

Hope that helped,
Galerius