Disintegration

This is a wonderful poem. Lyrically it was heavy which gave me a vivid image of this piece.

The piece also looks like something you really took your time to do which is always a great thing.

"The wide mouth of what once was a smile,
Gone with a fist clenched in fury, eyes locked with contempt
Napkins, porcelain plates and shattered glass on the kitchen floor
It is sympathy drowning, each stroke a futile attempt

Across the fault line,
She hid her tears well beneath the palms
Blood still dripping from her wounded lips;
Two bent frowns, of what once was a kiss"


I really enjoyed these two pieces as it really brings out a vivid image.

If u can, take a read of my pieces i would really appreciate it as i believe i can pick up something from your thoughts.

Happy writing
Abid.

This is a wonderful poem. Lyrically it was heavy which gave me a vivid image of this piece.

The piece also looks like something you really took your time to do which is always a great thing.

"The wide mouth of what once was a smile,
Gone with a fist clenched in fury, eyes locked with contempt
Napkins, porcelain plates and shattered glass on the kitchen floor
It is sympathy drowning, each stroke a futile attempt

Across the fault line,
She hid her tears well beneath the palms
Blood still dripping from her wounded lips;
Two bent frowns, of what once was a kiss"


I really enjoyed these two pieces as it really brings out a vivid image.

If u can, take a read of my pieces i would really appreciate it as i believe i can pick up something from your thoughts.

Happy writing
Abid.

I think the beginning of this is absolutely wonderful, all the up to "he's the wrong Father," but The rest of this stanza was boring compared with the rest of your poem. Then with "I enjoy all too much having the chance to be alive," my attention was grabbed again. Then, it becomes wonderful all the way through the end. That one little bit though, I would work on a bit more.
I really enjoyed it. The first stanza especially was fantastic.

This poem is well-worked, deep, and vivid up until "I'd say", and from there nothing is striking until the very last stanza. What I especially like about the parts I like is that they're deeply clear, but at the same time not overly explanatory. What I really dislike about the parts after "I'd say" is that they're way too blunt, not wrapped up in poetry at all, and sound more like journalistic musings than prepared description of an event.

I do want to question: is this written from the baby's perspective? I think that's another reason I really don't like it. Up until that thought occurred to me ("having the chance to be alive"), this poem felt real, and all of a sudden an impossible absurdity was thrown at me and the reality of the opening characters' situation was dashed on the rocks. There's a way to bring in the baby without actually assuming the baby can have intelligent thought.

If the parents love the baby, they probably spend a lot of their time imagining what the baby would be thinking at that moment. I do it with my cat -- I speak what I think he'd be speaking, and in this way I think your parents could get at the very same thoughts that the baby is having. The mom and the dad might both be thinking what the speaker of the poem is saying, both regretting the pregnancy, but there's still some kind of desperation that keeps them from giving this baby the chance it deserves. They know it's hurt and wrong and they hate it, but maybe they felt the baby kick and can't kill it.

That said, I like the concept of a speaker watching them from the outside -- to see the hits at a distance makes it not about the emotions in the fight, but the sight of it, and what emotions can radiate out from just the gestures. We don't hear anything. We just watch in silence and that communicates everything. Maybe that's also why I hated the direct words in the second half.

Reconsider the later part, 'cause you had something burning and bright when you began.

Let me know through PM or wall post if you have any questions.

Good luck!