Young Writers Society

Hey TPO,

I didn't get a chance to look at this before you edited it up to Take Two, so I'm going to review this as though there wasn't a Take One (because obviously, I can't see what's been changed).

So in general, like I said in chat, this feels a bit 'telly' (as Wonder put it). You're trying to introduce the character as a self-deprecating monster, who has done terrible things. Why not introduce him by showing him doing said terrible things? That would be a lot more active and dramatic than just having him and the police officer talking about it. It's tempting to slip into internal monologue mode when writing in first person, so be wary of falling into that trap!

I'd also like to mention the bit with the girl. The excuse of 'she couldn't hear me' feels like a slightly weak one for her not moving - perhaps she's stuck, or rooted in shock and fear? And even then, it seems strange that, having worked himself up to this moment, your character would change his mind just because a specific spot is taken on the ground - why not just alter his course to a different bit of pavement? If he has wings, altering course should be easy.

On that note, you may want to make the wings appearing a little clearer. I missed what was going on there until I glanced at someone else's review. Perhaps you could also emphasis the slowing of time with the layout of your words and sentences.

Finally, the Latin! I copied what you have into Google Translate, and got out an exact English sentence, so I'm guessing you Googled from English to get it in the first place? I had a go at reworking it - I have a Latin A Level, but I took that exam two years ago, so I can't guarantee that this is accurate, but it feels better than what Google gave you. "Kresnikis vires. Quinque latera diaboli stellae, obedite me!"

You said you were feeling that your writing isn't going so well these days - I hope you're able to write through it soon!

Cadi x

Hi Outage!

It seems interesting, but I had a few itchy points about this chapter. One of these was the fact that there was virtually almost no description; mostly dialogue, and even that comes off as rather awkward (read: over-philosophical). Your character is too calm; at the point of suicide, no matter how composed a person normally is, usually when they make the attempt, their thoughts aren't clear anymore. Right now, he comes off as this 'super-cool' character rather than someone who's at least somewhat human. (Why a public stunt like this? What does he want from jumping off in public? Someone like him especially should try to commit it in private, unless he has a reason. What's the reason? Why does he want to die so badly?)

I didn't have a lot of points to pick apart on your English, so you're all right there, but I want you to consider what I said there. Other than that, the scene repetition bothered me; is he trying to commit suicide a second time? Is he making the same mistake again? And at least try to write it out as a new scene. It's sort of clear you didn't do much other than mess around with the first scene and put it up as the second scene. Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems that way.

This isn't bad, however. This could just be a lot better, I think, so keep writing.

Celty.

Wonderful! Amazing! Extremely intense! I'd love to read more!

Hi! This is a pretty good start and not a bad cliffhanger, either. The only suggestion I can think of would be to add a little more description here and there, because it is mostly dialogue at this point. Maybe it was pouring rain on the top of that building. How did it feel to have those wings come out of his skin like that? What did the officer look like? You could add a few descriptive things here and there to help balance this writing.

It seemed a little strange to me that for a guy who could fly, he chose to jump off a building to end his life. It seems to me, if he was really depressed, he would choose something like a gun in the mouth instead. Not something that he could just back out against if he felt like it (just transforming in midair like that)

Keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions or need another review.