Fly free

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Jake was running down beside the river.his yellow raincoat let him keep dry,although he didnt mind being wet.

He had lived on Heartburne estate until his parents death so many years ago.

He smiled and thought of a poem his mother used to say.

Okay...this is off to a slightly sombre start but also it seems more aimed at being bittersweet rather than genuinely sad by the sound of things. We've got what appears to be someone that's just carelessly running through the rain on a typical day without all that much of a care in the world and then reciting a poem that their mother used to say. It shows this is someone that has perhaps learned to accept and move on from the death of their parents and is just sort of reminiscing the good memorie here...definitely makes for an interesting tone to start with here.

Your love is like a cage,

it traps and holds me in

no room to stretch my wings,

I cannot fly free.

Help me escape,

help me to fly,

I can stretch my wings and say 'Goodbye'

Hmm, well I'm not the greatest at reviewing poems here, but I will tell you what I think of this particular one...aaand, its a bit...suspicious here. It sounds like a poem by someone that is trapped by love and kind of feeling unhappy due to a certain love and that they hope to escape and leave said love, and they strive to say goodbye...I don't know if that's the kind of comforting happy poem a mother would say to a young child...so uhh yeah, I don't know what this might mean here, but it looks like almost like this Jake is happy to be free of his mother...which is unusual. Well...at any rate, it does make for a decent start to a story...but uhh, if this is meant to be a first chapter, I think you're going to have to look into adding a few more things here cause this is rather short here and doesn't have nearly enough going on to work out as first chapter.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi PoetryQueen! From your name I gather that you write poetry more than prose. XD It is great that you are expanding your writing interests. Every writer needs to play around to find out what they are best at.

This first chapter is pretty good, but like any piece of writing it can be improved. PointSmile talked to you about your grammar. She is right. If you have better grammar people will be able to focus on the story and not be distracted or confused about problems. If you have better grammar your piece also looks more polished which will get you more reviewers. If you read over your piece before putting it up people will noticed and they will come to the conclusion that you care about your work a lot and you want to improve.

Alright, so now that I am done rambling about that I will get down to my review. One of the biggest problems I noticed in this was your sentences beginnings. You say 'he' to start your sentences a lot. This gets a bit tiring to read after a while. If you use the same sentence structure the writing seems just to drone on while different sentence lengths and structure keeps people on their toes! For example you have:

Jake was running down beside the river. His yellow raincoat let him keep dry, although he didn't mind being wet.
He had lived on Heartburne estate until his parents death so many years ago.
He smiled and thought of a poem his mother used to say.

You could have it:

Jake was running down beside the river. Although he didn't mind being wet he had his yellow raincoat on to keep him nice and dry.
He had lived on Heartburne estate until his parents death so many years ago.
Remembering a poem his mother used to say Jake smiled.

Do you see what I mean?


The second thing I noticed was that you are all over the place. First you are talking about him running beside a river. Then you jump to how he lived on Heartburne estate. Then he is thinking about his mom and a poem. This leaves me with a bunch of questions. Why is he running, where is Hearburne estate? Why did his parents die? How old was Jake when this happened? Why is the poem important to Jake? I have so many more bouncing around my head! Slow down and give us description. Explain things to us. If you expanded on this and made the first chapter longer this piece would really be improved.

The last thing I want to touch on is your transitions. Or I suppose I could say your lack there of. This also has to do with you jumping all over the place. In this piece one thing does not logically lead to the other. You can't expect us to know why running beside this river has to do with Jake living on Heartburne estate his whole life. You have to explain that to us.

Right now I really can't give you a good overall because this piece is so short. But I hope that I helped you at least a little bit.

P.M. me if you have any questions,

Calli <3

CA-PI-TA-LI-ZA-TION!!

Grar!

I noted that the capitalization in this piece was rather patchy. Patchy grammar actually deters me and a lot of other readers, which is why it's so important.

Fly free chapter 1.
Jake was running down beside the river.his yellow raincoat let him keep dry,although he didnt mind being wet.
He had lived on Heartburne estate until his parents death so many years ago.
He smiled and thought of a poem his mother used to say.
Your love is like a cage,
it traps and holds me in
no room to stretch my wings,
I cannot fly free.
Help me escape,
help me to fly,
I can stretch my wings and say 'Goodbye'

Should be:

Fly Free, Chapter One.
Jake was running down beside the river. His yellow raincoat let him keep dry, although he didn't mind being wet. He had lived on Heartburn Estate until his parents' death so many years ago.
He smiled and thought of a poem his mother used to say.
Your love is like a cage,
It traps and holds me in,
No room to stretch my wings,
I cannot fly free.
Help me to escape,
Help me to fly,
I can stretch my wings and say, "Goodbye."

Nice writing, though. Other than grammar and a little spelling, it was a good piece. Keep trying!