Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
This is a true story.
As I pulled up to the large grey house, I glanced at the car’s clock. Eleven forty-five, most people were asleep, but my night had only just begun. I stepped out of the car and walked up the cracked stone steps, all the while I was very much aware of the pain I was in. It felt like liquid fire in my veins, and my breath was ragged, but just a few more steps, and that would be all over.
The paint on the door was chipped, and cracked, but that wasn’t uncommon in this part of town. I pushed open the door without knocking. The door opened into a pristine, but small foyer. I turned off to the side into a room that was anything, but pristine. Around ten people were sitting or lying around the room, all in various states of consciousness. A light smoke filled the room, which wasn’t out of the ordinary. The tables were littered with cocaine and weed, but I didn’t pay that any mind.
I walked up to a table with a young man behind it. He wasn’t terribly tall, nor was he terribly attractive, but he exuded power. At the moment he happened to be making out with a girl who could have been anywhere from sixteen to twenty-six. He didn’t seem to notice me until I pulled a roll a roll of cash out of my jacket, and dropped it on the table.
“Oh Ghost you’re back,” the young man said, finally looking up, “no problems I assume?”
“Jack wanted double, but I convinced him otherwise.”
“You always get results that’s why I like you,” he picked up the wad of cash and counted it, “James is in the back. He’s got straight road rain.”
I gave the boy a flat look, “Alex I did not run for you, alone, to Jack’s place for straight black tar.”
“Then what do you want?” Alex smiled before pulling a metal briefcase from under the couch.
He opened it up, and sitting inside were eight syringes containing a blue black liquid.
“Black Sapphire?” I asked.
Alex simply nodded as I picked up one of them.
“Ghost!”
I looked up, to see a short redhead standing in the doorway.
“Hey Ruby, I was going to come see you. I just had to take care of business first.”
I walked over to her, and she blushed, “I was wondering if maybe, today we could…” she trailed off.
That fact that she was so shy meant she was sober, and it was adorable.
I pulled my jacket off, and proceeded to shoot up. Immediately the pain faded away. I put an arm around Ruby, and led her upstairs, to a room at the end of the hall. I didn’t live here, but everyone knew it was my room. I closed the door behind us, and began to take off my knife belt, meanwhile Ruby had laid down on the bed.
“So we can just…” Ruby looked up at me shyly.
I laid down next to her, and put my arms around her, “Yes we can just cuddle. You’re adorable, you know that?”
She blushed again and I smiled. I closed my eyes happy to get a little pain-free sleep. Until I heard someone running up the stairs. I rolled off the bed, and had my saxe knife in my hand in seconds.
Before they even got to the door I heard, “Ghost its me.”
The voice belonged to Lex, who always had my back, and I slipped the knife back into its sheath.
I opened the door, “What is it?”
“Its Colossus, he’s got black vein.”
I immediately pulled my knife back out of its sheath, and pushed past Lex and ran down the stairs. I found a number of people standing as far back as possible and a short stocky young man lying on the floor. His hair was a strawberry blonde, and his face was smooth, and unscarred. He always looked like he wasn’t carrying the weight that the rest of us were. His left sleeve was pulled up and his vein bulged on his arm. From the crook of his arm his vein was entirely black, all the way down to his hand, and creeping back up through his arteries.
I tilted Colossus’ head up and looked into his clouded green eyes, “this is going to hurt a lot.”
Colossus let his jaw drop, and Lex put a broken table leg in his mouth, and Colossus bit down hard, and then Lex moved so that he could hold Colossus down. I looked back down at his arm to see the black had spread back up to his upper arm. I placed the point of my knife on his artery above where the blackness was, and in one fluid movement sliced open the artery all the way down to his hand. He screamed into his gag, and bit down so hard he cracked the wood. Lex strained to hold him down. I pinched along the vein, forcing the heroin out of his system. As soon as most of it had oozed out, someone threw me an old shirt, and wrapped his arm in it and pulled it tight. Colossus screamed again, this time shattering the gag.
Alex knelt down next to him, and plunged another syringe into his chest. I knew it was another sedative that would slow his heart down, to minimize his bleeding.
“Is he going to live?” Colossus’ boyfriend asked.
“It’s too early to tell,” I grunted.
The next few minutes were a brutal silence broken only by Colossus’ screams. The shirt was soaked in blood, and I started untying it.
Lex grabbed my arm, “It’s too soon.”
“He’s losing too much blood I have to try and close the wound.”
I went to work with a gut and needle, making quick X stiches all the way down his arm. My hands became slick with blood by the time I finished up. Colossus had passed out by this point, and Lex wrapped his arm back up.
As I stood up Ruby handed me a washcloth, and I wiped the blood off my hands, but so much of it was left, on the floor, and on my clothes.
I walked over to the boy who had spoken up earlier, he was young, fifteen or sixteen. His eyes were a dark blue, almost black, and matched his raven black hair, “If he wakes up in the morning, and you keep the wound clean, he’ll live.”
I trudged back up the stairs, and fell onto the bed. Ruby walked in and gently closed the door behind her.
“What are the odds he lives?” she asked quietly.
“Not good. He’s a fighter though, so who knows.”
I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. After a moment I felt Ruby’s lips on mine, and she kissed me gently.
“I know you did the best you could,” she whispered in my ear.
“If I had stitched faster, or if- “Ruby cut me off by brushing her lips against mine.
“You’re seventeen, and have only basic medical training. You did more than anyone else here could have done. Without you he’d have no chance. You’re a hero, my hero,” she whispered to me.
“I just shot up heroin, and then cut open a man’s arm. I’ve stabbed people, lied, and done so many terrible things. I’m no hero. If anything I’m Satan, the prince of darkness.”
Ruby smiled and pulled me close, “Ghost you’ve done a lot of bad, but you’ve also done so much good. You’re not Satan, but you are my prince, my phantom prince.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi ThePhantomPrince! Happy review day! I apologize if there are other chapters that I haven't read. However getting into the review, the biggest thing that really stood out to me were grammatical errors. There were many instances in the story where punctuation was missing, it disrupted the flow of the story for me. Reading it aloud to yourself can help with that.
At the very beginning, I noticed you used "uncommon" and "any mind" twice in paragraphs neighboring each other. To me, it felt a bit repetitive, but that's a pretty minor detail. I feel like you could add more description and imagery, I found myself not being able to grasp onto much when I tried to imagine the story in my head. Like my other review-ers, I liked that you are depicting people society considers "outsiders" in a way that makes them appear as human as we all are. I thought this chapter had a good plot, and I think that by reading it over and thinking about the things other review-ers and I have mentioned, it could be super great!
Hey there, hope I fixed most of my mistakes. This was sort of an experiment, but because it seems to have gone well I'm planning on putting out another chapter soon.
Thanks for the support.
Hi there ! I really like what you wrote there. Here's a quick review by paragraph.
"As I pulled up to the large grey house, I glanced at the car’s clock. Eleven forty-five, most people were asleep, but my night had only just begun. I stepped out of the car and walked up the cracked stone steps, all the while I was very much aware of the pain I was in. It felt like liquid fire in my veins, and my breath was ragged, but just a few more steps, and that would be all over."
The description here is great. It made me want to read on and find out what's about to happen.
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"The paint on the door was chipped, and cracked, but that wasn’t uncommon in this part of town. I pushed open the door without knocking. The door opened into a pristine, but small foyer. I turned off to the side into a room that was anything, but pristine. Around ten people were sitting or lying around the room, all in various states of consciousness. A light smoke filled the room, which wasn’t uncommon. The tables were littered with cocaine and weed, but I didn’t pay that any mind.
I walked up to a table with a young man behind it making out with a girl who could have been anywhere from sixteen to twenty-six. He didn’t pay me any mind until I pulled a roll a roll of cash out of my jacket and dropped it on the table."
I still enjoyed the description in these paragraphs. The imagery helps the reader create the room in their mind while reading, which I find great. The one thing I noticed was a little bit of repetition, such as using the expression "it wasn't uncommon" twice, or using the expression "pay me any mind/pay him any mind". Did you use repetition on purpose?
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"“Oh Ghost you’re back,” the young man said finally looking up, “no problems I assume?”
“Jack wanted double, but I convinced him otherwise.”
“You always get results that’s why I like you,” he picked up the wad of cash and counted it, “James is in the back. He’s got straight road rain.”
“Alex I did not run for you alone to Jack’s place for straight black tar.”
“Then what do you want?” Alex smiled before pulling a metal briefcase from under the couch.
He opened it up, and sitting inside were eight syringes of blue black liquid.
“Black Sapphire?” I asked.
Alex simply nodded as I picked up one of them.
“Ghost!”
I looked up, to see a short redhead standing in the doorway.
“Hey Ruby, I was going to come see you. I just had to take care of business first.”
I walked over to her, and she blushed, “I was wondering if maybe, today we could…” she trailed off.
That fact that she was so shy meant she was sober, and it was adorable.
I pulled my jacket off, and proceeded to shoot up. Immediately the pain faded away. I put an arm around Ruby, and led her upstairs, to a room at the end of the hall. I didn’t live here, but everyone knew it was my room. I closed the door behind us and began to take off my knife belt, as Ruby laid down on the bed.
“So we can just…” Ruby looked up at me shyly.
I laid down next to her and put my arms around her, “Yes we can just cuddle. You’re adorable you know that?”
She blushed again and I smiled. I closed my eyes happy to get a little pain-free sleep. Until I heard someone running up the stairs. I rolled off the bed, and had my saxe knife in my hand in seconds."
Okay so here is one thing I would revise in the dialogues: Punctuation. I like the way you have the characters interact with each other, but the lack of commas in certain areas makes it feel like one block of words. Also, the interaction between Ghost and Ruby is quite endearing.
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The rest of the story flows really well, and I kept wanting to read till the very end. I love the way you built up the scene with Colossus, and how Ghost used rudimentary techniques to try and save his life. I find it very interesting how you are describing the life of people who from the outside, would seem like gangsters, drug addicts, and so on, but when we look at the scene from the inside, we can see that they are simply humans sharing similar struggles and trying to look out for one another.
Just got back to writing, but I took all your advice into consideration, and made a few changes. I know punctuation bugged you, and I did my best to fix it, but its never been my strongest point. I hope to put out another...chapter? Soon.
Thanks, for the review its really helpful.
Hey Hey!
How are you? Ready for a review?
overall thoughts: I like this A LOT. I like the characters, the house, the sort of bad guy gang with good hearts vibe that's going on!
Things that I have to mention, even though they are minor:
"I walked up to a table with a young man behind it making out with a girl who could have been anywhere from sixteen to twenty-six." This is a pretty long sentence, trying cutting this down the middle, for example, "I walked up to a table with a young man. (describe him). He was making out with a girl who could be anywhere in between sixteen to twenty-six." Maybe describe the girl too? Even if she isn't important, a quick colour of her hair, or piercing, or tattoo, maybe?
"“You always get results that’s why I like you,” he picked up the wad of cash and counted it, “James is in the back. He’s got straight road rain.”" This is just missing a comma in between results and that's. Also, what is road rain? Not that you have to explain that now, it's just I want to show you that, I, as a reader, am interested! Well done!
“So we can just…” Ruby looked up at me shyly.
"I laid down next to her and put my arms around her, “Yes we can just cuddle. You’re adorable you know that?”" Made me say AWWWW out loud. Very cute, but maybe make this conversation one second longer, just a bit more talking. Maybe now we could describe Ghost. (Also very cool character name!)
Also, what does Colossus look like?
"Colossus let his jaw drop, and Lex put a broken table leg in his mouth, and Colossus bit down hard. Lex then took up a position holding down his arm, and another boy took up a position opposite him. I looked back down at his arm to see the black had spread back up to his upper arm. " This whole paragraph is chunky and too technical. It doesn't flow nicely like the rest of the chapter.
"I walked over to the boy who had spoken up earlier, who was also Colossus’ boyfriend" Why not say he was his boyfriend the moment he spoke? Also, DESCRIPTIONS!!!
“You’re seventeen, and have only basic medical training. You did more than anyone else here could have done. Without you he’d have no chance. You’re a hero, my hero,” she whispered to me." I like this a lot. Just wanted to tell you that.
This is a very good chapter and tell me when you write another chapter!
Love,
Lau.
Hey, sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I've been in, and out of writing lately. I took in the reviews, and made some adjustments. To answer your question, road rain is slang for black tar heroin, because its like "liquid asphalt".
I hope to be getting another chapter out soonish.
Thanks again.
No problem at all! I hope it helped! And again, such a great chapter!