Tick tock tick tock tick
Silently stretching I grope at the distant syllables
Eternally living, never alive
My perfected punctuality proceeding on for another turn
Masterless I serve the one true master
Never wavering in my knowledgeable ignorance
* * *
Ding, dong, ding, dong
My mask becomes yet another smile, another frown
forever changing, always the same
I never grow weary of duty
Rest is not meant for the rusted realities of life
* * *
tick; tock; tick
Creaking, my corroded cogs circulate autonomously
Always moving, forever still
Forgotten I falter, freed from my frantic flight
* * *
Ding. Dong.
Broken, I lose myself to the beat once more
The epilogue of my existence has come
Tick...
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi!
This is a little wordy and I think grope is breaking the sibilance. Distant kind of works as it has the s in the middle. Maybe something like: 'Silent stretches; I fumble at distant syllables'.So this has taken me far too long to get to for which I apologise but here are some thoughts:
Specifics
1.
2. Again the wordiness goes against you and takes away from the poetic techniques. Maybe: 'My perfected punctuality makes another pass' or 'My punctuality performs another perfected procession' or even better cut it back to the bare bones: 'My punctuality proceeds' (or passes).
3. Corroded feels really forced here and I think this would read smoother if you use rusted. It makes the consonance a little more subtle but not in a bad way.
4. The last two lines contradict each other. If the persona is losing themselves once more then surely this repeats from the start again and isn't the end of their existence. I think this would work better if it was a true break to the cycle and a realisation that they can't go back to being blissfully unaware any more but there also now isn't time to fix it. I think something darker and more final would be more powerful and carry a stronger message of 'wake up and take control'.
Overall
This doesn't flow as smoothly as I want it to and I think you're relying a little too heavily on poetic techniques and not shaping the word behind them carefully enough. There's not a lot of solid imagery here so maybe start by thinking of what else you can bring in to capture this monotonous life. Maybe something which helps define the persona because while keeping it vague gives you a better chance of making it relate-able, it makes it not very memorable. Giving us a voice to sympathise with generally works better than trying to address everyone at once. Maybe this is an office worker who has put their trust in their job for their whole life and only now realises they have nothing outside of it. Or a woman who has trusted in God to make her life turn out wonderful and only now realises she could have done that herself.
I think applying this concept to a strong persona would give you a more visual and exciting poem and you could still fill it up with the clever poetic techniques like losing a line every stanza or the alliteration.
Hope that helps a little!
~Heather
Wiz. ♥
I'll skip the smalltalk and get right into the marrow.
Firstly, let's address the presentation of time running out in the form of your stanzas, along with their headers, losing one line/sound with each progressive installment. While I understand the appeal of the gimmick, it ultimately amounts to just that: a gimmick. Always in my critiques of poetry have I steered away from gimmickry in poetry beyond playing with white space and line breaks. This is ultimately an artistic choice, but for the sake of sapping as much quality as possible from the content provided, I'm going to act as though the formatting does not exist and rely on the potency of words alone.
So we're introduced into a lack of narrative--which is okay--and given sentiment, sentiment, sentiment. There's no real natural imagery to bring us into emotional cohesion with the words, and when that is the case (read: lack of narration, lack of imagery), there typically remains a masterful lyricism or dialogue; however, what's given is blatant, sometimes-contradictary, sentiment. What I think delivers this sensation is your hesitation to paint or portray. You had a very solid concept in your head, which boils down to:
1. I serve God until I die
2. My outer emotions tire me because they are often fake
3. I'm not exactly living my life purposefully and totally in the moment, and I should do something about it.
4. Oh crap, I was too late.
Really, the third and forth points are quite nice in and of themselves, but the first two are a bit trite. And really, I think that may actually just boil down to a matter of sequence and placement. Given the power of textual cohesion, it almost seems like the speaker is lamenting the fact that he lives solely and unpurposefully for the sake of his religion--which is a nice, not-really-fresh-but-fresh-enough-to-pass idea. I just maintain that it could be executed better.
Moving onwards, I think you also lose quite a bit of power for the sake of alliteration. This is me standing on a soapbox of word-purism, but unless alliteration happens by accident or really accentuates a method of emotional conveyance, I never give it thought. But it's times like these, when it's obviously purposeful, that it tastes very bland and ill-purposed. It leaves me wondering what you could have managed if you would've shied away from the poetic devices, similar to how I shy away from rhyme schemes unless they accomplish things. And I don't think that's the case here.
So as an all-in-one, I think you have a very solid principle here, but your obsession with devices has left you with little more than melted ice cubes in your hands, and what the reader wanted was ice cream. We could definitely discuss this further if you want. I'm always just a message away.
Ty
Hey Ty!
Thanks for the great review! You've actually given me something to work with, and given me a new perspective on this poem.
The four points you made were actually sort of how I intended the stanzas to be. Just with number 1), I left it to the reader to decide who the one true master is. You saw it as a deity, which is obviously one of the bigger assumptions, but it can also just as easily be Time (since our modern society is so dependant to it), or even Death (no matter how hard we try, Death is working with all of us, and is each living being's inevitable fate) So I left it open like this so that each person can view the poem in his own way, depending on who the master to them...
The overuse of alliteration and the resulting blandness and essentially uselessness is actually what I had in mind. The words we say to others are often without real purpose or depth, and since one of the themes is this facade we show to the world, this blandness is my way of showing it. The constant contradictions are to connect to this, since often our words and actions contradict how we truly feel, all for the sake of appearances.
The lack of imagery and narration, however, are unintentional, and I see what you mean with that. I shall make a note of it, and try and rectify the problems...
Anyway, thanks for the great review, and I truly appreciate your critique.
TCC
Hi there, just leaving a short review...
This piece has so many emotions playing amongst the stanzas, I absolutely love it! I love the ending especially the almost missed ''tick'' at the end, it feels, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it feels as though you have contradicted the ending line "the epilogue of my existence has come" by placing that "tick" there, almost in an Inception like way as if to say hey, is it really over?
I encourage you to keep on writing more stuff because I have a feeling it's gonna be good stuff! Your grammar, I find, is very broad and accurate so yeah keep up the good work
Very well done! That's all I can say. The poetry has great flow, and the interpretations that can be made are up to the reader. You are giving your readers the choice. You aren't shoving it down their throats.
I am personally interested to see what kind of message you are trying to convey through this piece.
I saw it as a journey through life. You will have your ups and downs, but it all comes to the peaceful end with death. It almost had a heartbreaking feel. In the best way though.
Really loved it! Keep writing!!
I LOVE this poem!!! There's nothing I would change. I like it just the way it is. Its a wonderful piece and I look forward to reading more of your works! Keep writing, and have an awesome day!
Thanks Tigerlily!! Have a great day too!