I want to scream I love you, until my voice breaks
But I hold it back for your sake
If you knew what I want, which is to hold you near
Then I know you'd never go
But this poison in me eats away, it's still a wonder that I'm sane
But to be with me has no gain
I ran my fingers through the air
How I wish that you were there
To hold you just a single night
Would be enough in foresight
My hand wraps around that lonely thought
Yet it is still all for not, my wrist snaps away
A piece is gone everyday.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Heyy.
I would love to read more of it yay.
Okay I understood it was about someone who wants somebody but can't have that person. So what does, "Then I know you'd never go" this signify? If the person would never leave, then why not have him/her?
Secondly, add a story line
Good job.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
It's to say I know that if I told this person how I felt they would be with me but it may turn into a destructive romance so I couldn't do that to them.
I get it now
Hello there. I'm lyricalrebel and I will review this beautiful work of yours.
I only noticed two minor errors here. First of all, you should place a period after every sentence but not after every line. Analyze where sentences end and put a full stop there. Second, I think you meant "all for naught" not "all for not". It's a common mistake but I understood what you meant there.
So the poem is sort of about forbidden love. I can relate to this theme actually. I know that feeling when you want to express your love for someone but you are unable to do so because the situation prevents you from doing it. I understood every message of every line and I felt the overwhelming emotions. I felt the sadness, the longing and the passion of the speaker.
The poem began with moderate emotions then stirred up to the end with much intensity and I loved that. It's kind of like having that delicious aftertaste in your mouth and it's wonderful.
I also noticed a rhyming scheme in your poem except for the third and fourth line. You deviated from the rhymes and when this kind of thing happens, it ruins the flow or rhythm of the poem. Everything I've said is, of course, just suggestions. Keep writing.
wow your poetry is good. i see that you are a new user so first of all welcome to YMS.
you see here we can post our works and others can comment and review on your literary works, as you see now i am reviewing your poetry.
you have good thought, and your poem speaks your feeling. however i would like to do some nitpicking-
you see the poem starts as a blank verse while at times you tried to rhyme the lines. avoid that. if you write a lyric , either make it fully lyrical or not at all.
next comes your line length. in the lines like "But this poison in me eats away, it's still a wonder that I'm sane", you would better break it into two different lines, then it would flow smoother.
"To hold you just a single night"- to instill some more emotion you may as well use- " I am desperate to hold you- may be just one more night"
"Yet it is still all for not,"- i think there is some error in sentence formation here. your thought in this line is not really clear.
"I want to scream I love you, until my voice breaks"- may be you can use quotations or make "I live you" bold. it would give it an emphasis.
you have a good talent in poetry, and i suppose you can groom well here,
happy YMSing and keep writing,
Rituparna