Do Not Touch- Chapter 1

It was said he killed someone. He never went to jail because there was no proof that he actually killed the guy, so says the grapevine. Cierra Torres watched him from a distance, curiously. He was talking to some of the few friends that he did have –or more they were talking to him. The only friends he had were the ones who were either unafraid of him or did not believe in the rumors of him murdering. He made no emotion to his ‘friends’ and his hands never left his pockets. This was how he always was.

His name was Theo Cooper, or ‘The weird guy’ as most referred to him as, with good reason: Theo always acted weird and wore weird clothes. Everyday, he wore a long sleeve shirt, jacket, or sweat shirt, with baggy jean. On his hands always were his leather gloves. It didn’t matter what the weather was like, even in the hottest days of summer, this was how he always was.

“Cierra? Are you still there?” asked Cierra’s brother, Curtis. He clicked his white cane against the tiled floor, not to guide him as it was meant to do, but to get my attention. Curtis was born blind. However, at the same time, he remains completely independent. He rarely ever uses his cane, unless to try to whack someone and he always crashed into things. Mostly, he was stubborn and rude, and hated to admit when he needed someone’s help. Blindness was his excuse for everything, and he always gets away with it.

He tapped his cane harder. “CiCi? You’re not staring at that weird dude again, are you?” He jabbed his cane in his sister’s direction but missed completely. “You are aren’t you?”

Theo’s eyes shifted toward Curtis and Cierra. She quickly turned around and grabbed Curtis’s arm. “We’re going.” She guided him down the halls to their next class (They had the same classes due to Curtis’s disability), for it would’ve taken tem too long for Curtis to walk down the halls without help. Last time Cierra had let him try, he crashed into the lockers –making the excuse that he did not remember them being there- and then into a teacher –also saying, in humor, that he did not remember that being there either. Cierra had not let him try guiding his own way since.

Usually, Curtis would’ve protested that he could do it himself but he was too busy singing, “CiCi likes Theo! CiCi likes Theo!” Cierra kicked his shin and he shut up. Hard to believe we are the same age, thought Cierra

However, Cierra did sort of like Theo. She didn’t know what about him she liked. Maybe it was just her being curious. Why did he dress the way he did? Why did he rarely talk, even to his friends? Why did he kill –if he killed? Most importantly: was he lonely? He seemed lonely. In every class Cierra had with him, he was always sitting in the back corner, and if there was an empty desk in the classroom, it was always next to Theo.

Cierra sighed as she sat, leaving Curtis to find his own seat. He clanked his white pole against the metal desks, hard, as if that was really how he was going to find his seat. No one dared to yell at the blind kid, and that’s why Curtis was angry. He didn’t like being labeled as someone who could not do something –in this case, that something he could not do was to get in trouble-, and that always seemed to put him in a bad mood. He sunk down his seat behind his sister.

The bell rang and the teacher began teaching algebra, Cierra’s worst subject. Half way through explaining an equation she didn’t understand, Theo walked in. Late, as usual. His hands were in his pockets and he wore his usual sullen expression. The teacher stopped and looked at him. “You’re late Mr. Cooper.”

“Sorry,” he grumbled, taking his seat in the back of the room.

The teacher clicked her tongue and continued with the equation. Cierra rested her head on her desk with a silent groan. This didn’t make any sense to her. She hated Algebra, and she was really bad at it, as proven in the test grade the teacher gave to her from as the class exited her classroom. Cierra groaned. D+.

“Whaddya get?” asked Curtis, who was right behind. He took all of his tests orally or, occasionally, on brail. He was so smart that, surprisingly, he did a lot of the math problems in his head, so there was no need for him to use scrap paper to do his work on, which would be virtually impossible for him. Also, the teachers were very lenient with him, which sometimes frustrated the poor guy (he wanted to be treated like everyone else), but overall, pleased him. Because of the grades, he got praise from their parents. Cierra wished she could get that praise, but that would never happen.

“D+,” She answered, almost in a whisper, ashamed. However, Curtis with his keen hearing sense heard and laughed.

“Ms. Torres!” called the teacher. She looked back and the teacher gestured for me to come back into her room.

“Be right back,” Cierra mumbled to her brother, who was making noises like “Ooooooh…. Trouble….”

She trudged into the room. Theo was also there, standing in front of the teacher’s desk. The teacher smiled as Cierra came up next to Theo. “Cierra, your grades have been very poor in my class,” she told her, as if she didn’t already know.

Cierra nodded.

“So, I’ve asked Mr. Cooper, who surprisingly has been acing my class,” she looked at Theo, shocked that the kid who was always late to her class was her top student, “if he would tutor you, and he has agreed. I believe it will help you a lot and raise your grade profoundly. Who knows? You may just do as well as your tutor yourself!”

Comments & reviews · 5
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Shearwater
Review

Hi there!

Since most of the nit-picks have been, well, picked. I'm just going to give you
some tips and review your writing overall.
Okay, from the very beginning you captured my interest.
I agree with jet though, you didn't bring much of Cierra into the introduction and this story is about her right? Maybe just edit that a bit.
You did a wonderful job explaining Curtis's character but you didn't do the same for Cierra. Try not to be so caught up in other other characters and work on your main one.
I have that same problem! =D
But! I did enjoy this chapter, it was interesting and the ending surprised me, I didn't think Theo was going to be a genius.
PM if you write more.

~Pink

User avatar
youreit
Review

I like the bad boy character of Theo, and the way Cierra helps her brother around. It gives her a motherly personality and makes me think that maybe she's going to help Theo change his reputation.

Overall, this was a good start. PM me when you post more.

-youreit

User avatar
PatriciaTina
Review

Hey there! I see that Jet has gone over most of the nit-picks so I'll just go over the overall writing. Also, if I do find anything that Jet hasn't pointed out, I'll tell you as well.

Okay, so first off I'd just like to say that though your characters are interesting, you need to develop them better. I can see that you've tried to do that, but if you have awkward sentences and stuff like that, it won't work as good.

Just make sure you add some more character development, with Cierra especially, via. actions, dialogue, etc. and it'll be fine!

I know that Jet has pointed this out, but it's really important. There is nothing worse in a story than awkward sentences, which can often come up in first drafts. Don't worry, everyone finds that they have awkward sentence in first drafts, but it's important that they get fixed with editing and revision. Maybe go through your story and fix up the sentences that you find don't make much sense.

I did find one sentence that Jet didn't point out though.

The bell rang and the teacher began teaching algebra, Cierra’s worst subject.


This sentence is extremely awkward, just because of the fact that you said 'the teacher began teaching algebra,'. Maybe reword it and tell us what subject they're in earlier.

That's about all I have to say, since Jet did such a good job pointing out your mistakes and giving suggestions. I'm really interested in seeing what happens next. Just fix those few things, and it'll be great!

I'll keep a look out for a new chapter! Good luck, and see you around!

~ Trish :elephant:

User avatar
Jetpack
Review

Hey there, and welcome to YWS! Nice to see you've been reviewing and all. I'm Jet, by the way.

It was said he killed someone. He never went to jail because there was no proof that he actually killed the guy, so says the grapevine. Cierra Torres watched him from a distance, curiously.


These opening lines seem very random. I don't think you should introduce your MC in this paragraph, because you're still focussed on Theo. Why bring Cierra in here? Though your first line is a hook, the rest of this feels jumbled and is odd to read. Why is "says" in present tense? It should be "said", to fit with the rest of the piece.

This is a problem I have with much of the piece; the tone is very odd. You use the wrong words in context and it just seems to have no flow, as you jump around from one thing to the other. I mean, let's take this sentence, if we skip a bit.

On his hands always were his leather gloves.


Couldn't that have been written much more simply? He always wore leather gloves. You have a lot of unnecessary words and it makes it hard for the reader to follow what you're saying, much less appreciate the story as a whole. Anyway, I'll go back to the piece, but I think you need to go through this and try to rephrase a lot of your sentences into something more cohesive. To a certain extent, you'll find it's personal taste, but when you have sentences like the above that can easily be condensed, why not do so?

It didn’t matter what the weather was like, even in the hottest days of summer, this was how he always was.


Semi-colon or full stop after "like". Otherwise you have a comma splice.

Curtis was born blind. However, at the same time, he remains remained completely independent. He rarely ever uses used his cane, unless to try to whack someone and he always crashed into things. Mostly, he was stubborn and rude, and hated to admit when he needed someone’s help. Blindness was his excuse for everything, and he always gets got away with it.


There are an awful lot of tense shifts in this paragraph, which I've highlighted and corrected. If you're more comfortable in present tense, just write in it. It saves making little mistakes like that in your writing.

Anothe issue I have with this paragraph is the info dump about Curtis and his personality. Why do we need to be told all of this? A lot of it could be shown, rather than describing it all in one chunky paragraph. He's independent and hates to have help? Show the MC trying to help him, then, and describe his reaction. He uses blindness as an excuse for everything? Surely that contradicts with him being independent? You have to think your character through.

She guided him down the halls to their next class (They had the same classes due to Curtis’s disability), for it would’ve taken tem too long for Curtis to walk down the halls without help.


Cut the parenthesis and make that a new sentence. She guided him down the halls to their next class. They had the same classes due to Curtis's disability, for... etc. You've got a typo on "them", by the way. I don't think you should use "for" here, but "since", to fit with the informal voice. In fact, the last part of the sentence could do with rewording. ... since it would've taken too long for Curtis to walk down the halls without help.

Why did he kill –if he killed?


This is really weird. Why is Cierra thinking this? Does she not have the sense to think that this is all a rumour? I mean, who believes that their classmate is a murderer - regardless of whether he will be shown to be one later on in this novel? Maybe Cierra can see where the rumour's come from, but really, I don't think it's the sort of thing you'd believe in school.

as proven in the test grade the teacher gave to her from as the class exited her classroom.


This doesn't make much sense. Consider rewording.

Also, the teachers were very lenient with him, which sometimes frustrated the poor guy (he wanted to be treated like everyone else),


Again, the parentheses are totally unnecessary. You've already told us that Curtis doesn't like to be put down because of his blindness, but his own sister is calling him "the poor guy", which is very patronising to say the least. I'd change that, and cut the brackets, but I still think you should have shown us some more about Curtis. He's not a totally original character, but you could try and present him in a totally original way rather than relying on simple narrative to tell us about him.

“So, I’ve asked Mr. Cooper, who surprisingly has been acing my class,” she looked at Theo


Here, you've made "she looked at Theo" into a dialogue tag, i.e. "said", which makes no sense. It should read as follows. “So, I’ve asked Mr. Cooper, who surprisingly has been acing my class.” She looked at Theo [etc].

You may just do as well as your tutor yourself!


I stared at this for a bit, and I had to read it several times to understand your meaning. I think you should reword, or just cut.

So, after reading that, I'd say that though you have a few interesting characters, your prose is letting them down. You need to clarify your sentences and make sure they're understandable. If reading aloud doesn't work (though it usually does), just try and get as many people to read through it as possible, preferably not your friends or family, because they won't be harsh enough to point out your errors. That's why YWS is so great; head over to Will Review to Food and request a couple of reviewers to come over and give you a thorough review, if you want. I hope I've given you enough food for thought for now, though.

Keep writing! Don't be discouraged by what a reviewer said. We're just trying to help, at the end of the day. Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions.



I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye