Published August 5, 2024
Lunisear's Last Deed
In spring the sparrow sang a merry song
On branch, in fair green wood
As Lunisear rode swiftly, softly on
In golden, gleaming sun.
Summer’s dusk would sing his woes, the death knell
Upon, the knocking stone.
On mountain high, escape was closed. And then,
Came forth the dreadful worm.
Sword rang
Sun wavered
Up the moon came pale.
Mist rose
Fire raged
Far the echoes rung.
Shield shattered
Bone broke.
Then, down fell the dragon.
Down down down to his doom.
The leaves were falling far in wondrous wind
When his battle-wounds won,
And Lunisear rode red winds, weary gone.
In golden, gleaming sun.
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,336 Reviews
hello themythmaster!
i love the way this starts off feeling like frolicking in a field of daisies, the bright beginning with the sparrow, and the gold gleaming sun, but the quick twist with "escape was closed" was genius.
this definitely has heavy fantasy vibes, which makes sense given the tags, but i almost wish i had more context. who is lunisear? why are they fighting the dreadful worm/dragon?
the short descriptions of the fight, gave me the impression that this is a fleeting thing. something that leaves you out of breath.
the ending really tied it together. weary gone vs. swiftly on? perfect.
-epithet
Hi Myth! Valkyria here to leave a review for your lovely work. So, let's get into it:
I love how this is formatted. The whole poem being in italics makes it feel like it's an actual story. Honestly, if this was multiple chapters longer, it could be an epic. I also like how the poem flows. It does feel like something someone would sing
or tell the tale to an audience in medieval times. I like how some of the lines are long and flowery with description, but short and sharp when it came to the actual battle.
Since this is a story with plot, I would have liked there to be a clear beginning that introduced the conflict. We jump right into Lunisear riding to meet the dragon, but why? Is he a warrior? What threat was the dragon causing that needed it to be slayed? You also introduced the dragon as a worm, but I didn't know it was actually a dragon until it was stated. I understand that dragons could be called worms but make it clearer.
Overall, this was a great fantasy poem. I loved the ballad style. And the imagery felt very immersive. Thank you for publishing! I hope we see more of your poems!