Young Writers Society

Hi, I think this is really nice! You used some really powerful phrases in this poem, and it also flows very well!

My only criticism would be this: in the line where you write ‘And the lenses they wear to distort the world make it not better to them then it is but only more comfortable’, I feel that this is a little vague. For instance, in what aspects would the world be more comfortable to them, and why? And what lenses are they wearing? Are they wearing invisible lenses that nobody can see; or if their lenses can be seen, how do they look like?

Anyways, this is a wonderful poem overall; and I hope to see more of your work at YWS soon!

Hey, this is a neat concept, I really like what you did at the end, turning it around. Reminds me of a quote I read the other day, "I realized for the first time that all the kids in the class, even the bullies, rooted for Dumbo, against Dumbo’s tormentors…How did they not know? They didn’t know. It was astounding, an astounding truth. Everyone thought they were Dumbo." (source)

There are some really good images and thoughts in this piece, of sharp, shattered words and glass lenses that distort, and I especially like the lines

Too many times I picked up the pieces of my broken words.

And the lenses they wear to distort the world
make it not better to them than it is
but only more comfortable.

And the lenses they wear to distort the world
make it not better to them than it is
but only more comfortable.

Truly I tell you
that you are more than correct.
As I put on my glasses,
and step on your words,
while your frown looks to me, a smile.

Wow, are you sure you don't write poetry? If not, you should. This is a really, really nice effort. Really crisp and interesting choices in imagery, very thought-provoking and emotionally gritting.

The most obvious suggestion to make would be to split your poem into separate stanzas. Right now, its just one long wall of text, and it makes it a lot harder for your reader to find times to take breaths. That would be fine in a more tense and anxious poem, but in a poem with a lot of abstract and thought-provoking concepts like this one, you want to allow your reader chances to take in what you're writing, which separate stanzas would allow.

The less obvious suggestion would be to look more closely at who the narrator is addressing -- it starts out with them in a room full of people, but suddenly it shifts to addressing someone specifically. Why is this jump there, and who exactly is the narrator speaking to? It's fine to have such a jump, but there should be a more clear-cut method of transition, like a line as to why the narrator is done talking about these people and is now going to address someone in particular.

I also think the poem could benefit from playing around with the very first line "I'm in a room full of people" What kind of room is this? Dark? Big? Empty? Crowded? Overall I think the lack of location detail makes me picture floating in a void, because you have all of these interesting things happening at once but no clear indication of where we are apart from a "room". Maybe that's what you're going for, but it wouldn't hurt to play around with location and giving the reader a clearer sense of where we actually are.

This is good