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Young Writers Society



On with the story (The Ringly's ch. 2 pt.2/2)

by Teddybear


Queenie Ringly was an excellent talker. Briar Ringly was a flawless pickpocket. At six o’clock, two girls walked into the evidence locker of the Kroy City Police Department. One hour later, they walked out, leaving a tampered computer and a very confused evidence custodian.

“Father?” Briar’s voice echoed in the empty room.

“He’s probably at work or something,” said Queenie, helpfully, “Welp, you can take care of the drive thingy, I’ve got things to do.” And with that she skipped away, her blonde curls bouncing against her neck and down over her eyes in that way that she denied they did.

Briar pulled the thumb drive out of her coat’s inner pocket and tossed it between her hands. It was a short walk from the foyer to her father’s office, where she carefully placed the drive in the top drawer of his desk. She was about to walk away when something caught her eye.

A book was tucked neatly into the corner of the drawer, partially concealed by a blanket of office supplies. With her mind screaming for her to just walk away, she gingerly lifted the book out of its place. It’s age-worn leather was smooth against her traitorous fingers as they ran over the engraved cover. Carlson John Ringly.

It was just the right size for her inner coat pocket.

~

“You remember that DNA evidence found at Wenton corp.?” Jackson asked, seeming to have forgotten the plate of ‘food’ before him.

“Yes,” replied Briar. Her attention was elsewhere.

“Well, apparently someone got into the evidence locker a couple of nights ago and destroyed all the evidence. Whoever it was hacked the computers too while they were there and got rid of all the digital files too, so we gotta assume whoever killed Wenton is a pro-”

“Or they hired someone.” Briar flipped the page.

“So you do care.”

“No.” He continued talking, but she tuned him out in favor of her new source of reading material.

...Stephen has been getting restless. I am beginning to doubt his reasons for volunteering on the Cross case…

“-video evidence might get a suspect brought in,” Jackson was saying, finally remembering to eat the food in front of him.

Briar’s eyes snapped up, maybe too quickly. She regained her composure and put on a mask of nonchalance, “Video evidence?”

“Yeah, the security cameras at the evidence locker were disabled, but this blog I’m following says that there was an experimental backup system in place that caught the guy on video. The police are going over it now, it sounds like they’re going to bring someone in soon.”

“Blog?”

“If you want I can show you?” Jackson was looking just the least bit smug at her display of interest, “Here, I’ll send you the link.”

He took out his phone and, after some fiddling, Briar’s dinged. She turned it on and there was the link.

“You have one of those 10sx, something, something, fancy phones?” Jackson inquired.

“Yes.” She was going to have to check out that blog.


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User avatar
453 Reviews


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Sun Apr 28, 2019 12:39 am
Lib wrote a review...



Hi Cyr!

I'm here once again to give you a review. Hope you're doing well today!

Okay, so lemme just say, that this was such a good chapter! Now here I find out that Briar and Queenie are actually sisters. And I also find out that they are theives. That was interesting news to take in. By the way, I didn't see any inncorrect stuff that needed to be pointed out. Such as: grammar, punctuation, spelling. So great job with that! Keep up the wonderlandiful work! Oh, also, I definitely agree with Briar. I need to see that blog post, lol. Well. Thats it for now! I shall now, move onto reading the next chapter!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Teddybear says...


Thanks!



Lib says...


Your welcome. :3



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140 Reviews


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Sun Mar 31, 2019 11:22 pm
Anma wrote a review...



Hello Cyr!

Anma here for review!!

This is really great, if you ask me it actually reminds me of one of my books i read.

I cant remember what it was but i did enjoy it as much as i enjoyed this.

Here is a few things i suggest though

1. Next time try to make it a little longer.

2. put a little more detail, and feeling into it

You also have one little mistake

"She turned it on(,) and there was the link.

Either than those few things..... Drumroll please

Its amazing!

I hope to read more from you!

Happy review day!

Sincerely Anma




Teddybear says...


Thanks!



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Sun Mar 31, 2019 8:32 pm
trashykawa wrote a review...



I'm back again :)

Okay, things are beginning to heat up. I'm kind of beginning to worry about Briar- what she's doing is definitely a crime and against goodness and all, but I really want her to get away with it- and that's kind of big, because i'm a big one for justice. I think this means that you've successfully managed to make me care for your character.

Jackson obsession with this crime thing seems way too unhealthy (he is a mere high-schooler after all; i know i wouldn't want to follow a blood-and-gore murder case) - i'm wondering if there's going to be a plot twist sometime soon - or if you'll reveal that Jackson's a sucker for Sherlock Holmes and likes to pretend he's a detective sometime, which would be kind of cool :P

Jackson was looking just the least bit smug at her display of interest,


I like this part a lot: great way to show that he was trying at least a little to get Briar interested and animated about at least one thing. It shows that he cares; and also that he's your typical boy-teenager who gives himself challenges and feels smug when he completes them

Anyway, like usual; your writing's great, everything more or less correct. Again, I'd love to see a little more description. Also, I felt as if their time during the hack was brief - as a reader, I want to read more about that - about how they go around doing what they do.

Anyways, keep up the good work. I'll be waiting for the next one (i double-checked to make sure there were no more parts you posted after this :P).




Teddybear says...


Thanks for the review. I know that you want to know how the hack went, but believe me, there's a reason it's not included. Just wait, dear friend, just wait.




I’ll marry the finest banana in the galaxy for you.
— Tuckster