z

Young Writers Society



I am cold. My life is dull. My room is dark.

by Teddybear


I am cold. My life is dull. My room is dark.

Minnesota, known for lakes and snow.

Minnesota, home to misremembered me.

My family, the topic of gossip and ridicule for former family friends.

My family, the unknown killers of my acclaimed spark.

The basement, the dim place you put your extra things.

The basement, the location of my pocket of nowhere.

I am cold. My life is dull. My room is dark.

The water, the cool, chlorinated, escape from the summer heat.

The water, where my chlorine allergy and temperature-sensitivity makes my skin boil.

Four PM, the time of day where energy runs low and dinner comes to mind.

Four PM, the time my bus reaches the place I will wait up to two hours to be picked up.

Black, the color of order and shadows.

Black, the color of nearly everything my pastel-loving chaotic former-emo self owns.

I am cold. My life is dull. My room is dark.

Blankets, pieces of fabric meant to ward away the cold.

Blankets, the things I pile stop myself every night in hope of escaping the basement chill.

Movies, one of my deepest passions and inspirations.

Movies, one of the things I can’t talk about in person because no one genuinely cares.

Pastels, colors that make everything look bigger and brighter.

Pastels, the colors my past-obsessed family can never believe I love.

I am cold. My life is dull. My room is dark.

I can wrap myself in another blanket.

But it seems sometimes that it’s my own blood that’s frozen.

I can try another hobby.

But a song won’t be noticed more than the drawings, stories and costumes I pour my heart into.

I can paint my dull grey walls, or cover them with my pictures.

But maybe it’s not the coloring or the lack of light that makes it feel so dark.

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561 Reviews

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Sun Mar 31, 2019 8:22 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hi there TheMulticoloredCyr! I'm Tuck, otherwise known as MJTucker or Tuckster, and I'm dropping by to give you a quick review!

I can wrap myself in another blanket.

But it seems sometimes that it’s my own blood that’s frozen.
I really liked this illustration. It was powerful, personal, and really drove your point home.

I can paint my dull grey walls, or cover them with my pictures.

But maybe it’s not the coloring or the lack of light that makes it feel so dark.
This was also another beautiful line and a great way to end the poem! It had some finality, gave the reader something to think about, and perfectly implied what the narrator has been fearing this entire poem.

I also really liked the description of the cold, chlorinated water. Those descriptors helped to paint the picture of the pool, but I couldn't quite understand the metaphor you were trying to set up when you discussed the chlorine allergy. If your purpose in doing that was to establish that the narrator cannot enjoy the things that look so nice, I think there might be clearer ways of establishing it. This could just be a personal thing, but I thought it was worth pointing out so you got the full picture of how your poem made me feel!

I think one way you could improve your poem is to add some stanzas! There seems to be some separation based on the way you've repeated the first line at every stanza, which is a cool artistic choice because it emphasizes that idea of being alone and dull in a state that's often stereotyped as cold and lonely. Adding some stanzas will help to separate the ideas that should be separated and also group together ideas that seem to flow together and can help the rhythm and flow of your poem. Of course, stanzas aren't absolutely necessary, but it's generally a good idea unless you have something else that can provide that same sense of rhythm.

Hopefully this review was helpful to you! Reviewing poetry isn't my strong suit, so if there's anything I can do to improve my poetry reviewing skills or any other areas of the poem that you want my feedback on or any questions you have on this review, I'd be happy to help! I like some of the ideas you're experimenting with here, and I look forward to seeing more works from you in the future!

~Tuckster




Teddybear says...


Thanks for the review, I'll keep all of this in mind for future works.



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28 Reviews

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Fri Mar 15, 2019 2:28 am
averyismediocre says...



Also, I would consider changing the title to something shorter like just, "I am cold." because yours is kind of lengthy. That's up to you though.




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28 Reviews

Points: 39
Reviews: 28

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Fri Mar 15, 2019 2:27 am
averyismediocre wrote a review...



Oh my gosh. That was such a beautifully worded poem. Everything had such a vivid description that I could either see or feel exactly what you were talking about. I absolutely loved the use of repetition with both the central phrase of "I am cold. My life is dull. My room is dark." and whenever you mentioned a specific thing like water or blankets. I love how you broke free of the repetition by the end. And speaking of the end, by far my favorite part of the poem was when you said, "But maybe it's not the coloring or the lack of light that makes it feel so dark." I resonated with that so much. Plus making it into one stanza really fit the vibe of the poem itself. Looking at this poem from a more mechanics standpoint, the punctuation was used very well and your capitalization was good. I don't even think I saw a misspelled word. Overall, you did an outstanding job on this and I can't wait to see what you write next.




Teddybear says...


Thanks!




People ask if I ever experience writer's block and I just have to laugh... that's my default position.
— Aaron Sorkin