Young Writers Society

I see.

Through glass-blue, no, black eyes,

I, the coward, observe.

~

Arms wrapped around me,

your lips spell “I love you”

But your eyes, blue, no, red

say nothing so sweet.


It seems like a person is trapped in a loveless relationship and knows that the other person is faking their love for them.


I see you.

Through glass-blue, no, white eyes,

I, the coward, observe.

~

Only your words before me,

your blue, no, green eyes,

far away, see the same words.

“I love you” you said.

read 9:45, I felt.


The person is becoming slowly aware that the person either doesn't love them or is falling out of love with them.


I see, I see, I see.

My eyes blue, no, grey,

I see those words.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Your eyes, blue, no, green, red, grey,

they see those words between us.

~

We see, we see, we see.

But only I, the coward, observe.

Never eye to eye, we see.

Never each other, we see.

“I love you”

We are blind, throwing words,

hoping to hear them echoed back.

Hoping to find our way.


The person is hoping that their lover will fall back in love with them. That if they try hard enough, they'll earn their love back.


I see.

Through glass-blue, yes, blue eyes,

I, the brave, tip your head toward me.

~

Our eyes match, reflect, echo.

We understand.

You take your words back.


It seems the other person has realized how much they've hurt their partner. Perhaps the two got into an argument and they were recovering from it, perhaps someone close to them died which caused them to distance themselves. Whatever the reason, they've realized what they've done wrong and is now mending their relationship.

Having trouble following this poem - I think that the repetition is a bit overdone. Interesting premise, but I think it most needs added concrete continuity. Honestly the idea of an echo and a reflection are really strong pieces to put together and I think you could play a little more with repetition in a way that echoed or reflected rather than repeated word for word. For instance if you made this a poem that could be read backwards/forwards, or made just the beginning and ending stanzas the same, or reverse word order that'd be neat too; just something to capitalize a bit more on the interesting theme you've got.

I really couldn't make heads or tails of what this poem actually means, except that the speaker seems to have some special understanding with the subject who might just be their reflection or is maybe another person.

I also have to say I think that this detail, "read 9:45, I felt." was totally random. I have no clue what that might mean in the context of the poem as a sentence individually or contributing to the whole.

My biggest advice is to think about what you'd like readers to take away from the poem (maybe a narrative or theme) and then eliminate everything that does not help you communicate that. In short poetry, there is just not room for excess, especially if it's not content that's emotionally resonant.

That's about all I had, I'm hoping you develop this poem a bit further so that readers can have a better idea of what is being communicated.

best,


alliyah

The emphasis on the eyes automatically reminded me of that phrase that eyes are reflections or mirrors of the soul.

"Through glass-blue, no, black eyes,

I, the coward, observe."

Automatically you give the reader a sense of uncertainty and fear of maybe not being able to speak up with the term 'observe'.

"Arms wrapped around me,

your lips spell “I love you”

But your eyes, blue, no, red

say nothing so sweet."

I really like the contrast here. The doubt is very strong in the narrator. It shows the lies and fakeness of the person saying it and how the narrator can see the truth in their eyes.

"I see you.

Through glass-blue, no, white eyes,

I, the coward, observe."

I really like the repetition here too and how it changed from black to white. It seems kind of haunting.

"“I love you”

We are blind, throwing words,

hoping to hear them echoed back.

Hoping to find our way."

I think I know the meaning. Both of them don't reflect what they truly feel in their souls. The narrator can see his truth in his eyes and how they change and how it's all very uncertain. The words are all empty. When they finally realize and understand how each other truly feels it all becomes nothing.

I honestly have no complaints with this. I like the meaning of it.