Being a teenager isn't an easy thing to handle, but it was something worth living for. They're meant to be one of the heaviest times in life? But if I'm honest, it's a complete battle between me and the world. I miss the days in which my hardest desicion was what ice cream flavour I wanted...the days in which I didn't care about my weight, hair or clothes; I did what made me happy. My name is Tay Fen, I'ts all been odd for me as I only just turned sixteen and I was meant to have a massive party, with all the decorations and loads of people but after my dad walked out on us, it's been hard for us to cope. He'll be sending us funds every month and my mum has a decent job as a journalist, but we haven't been able to cope emotionally...it's been hard for my mum especially and having seen her in the state of having a tear stained face made me want to cry my eyes out. My sister couldn't care less with what was going on, she'd never really been close with father anyway but the least she could do is show some sympathy for everyone around her. She recently turned thirteen and I quite understand what it's like for her, but sometimes she really does irratate me.
"Morning Tay." she said and smiled.
"Morning." I mumbled as I drew the curtains and let some light spill into my room.
"So aren't you curious why I'm carrying this?" she asked.
"what is it?" I frowned.
"You birthday presant, open it." she said and handed it to me. I tore the wrapping paper apart and saw it was an android tablet. I was quite speechless.
"Is this just for me?" I asked.
"Of course silly, as long as you can use it responsibly." she said.
"Thanks mum." I said and hugged her. I heard my phone buzz and saw Jo had texted me.
Jo: 'Morning, how's everything?'
Me: 'Good thanks, just got my own android tablet!'
Jo: 'You can finally open up an account on click face'
Me: 'Have to ask though...'
Jo: 'Yeah but it's not as if your mums gonna find out?'
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,043 Reviews
its good. your narration is good. you have given the exact feeling of how it would be to gradually understand what the mother feels for a teenager. that is quite good. you have made it precise and to the point. got you..! but the ending is abrupt.have read your reply to the reviews. you have part two of it. so hope it has good ending. waiting it for it. and one more thing, you are good at writing conversations. keep going.
Love it! A few typos and its reminds me of Cyberbully
But I don't care. Love you! <3 xxx
Okay, This better not turn out to be a teenage-highschool-cyber-bullying-thing. And if it is, make it different. Make it different than most teenage-highschool-drama-books. PLEASE!!
*Btw, i accidentally posted this as a comment last time...so i'm re posting it....I like this piece of writing, i cant wait to see part 2!!!
Okay, This better not turn out to be a teenage-highschool-cyber-bullying-thing. And if it is, make it different. Make it different than most teenage-highschool-drama-books. PLEASE!!
Hey, Mlawa
Okay, first things first, I generally like the idea you've got going. I like realistic and dramatic novels, and family issues are always an interesting subject.
Nevertheless, I think this could do with a little refinement. Your opening paragraph is to-the-point, and that's fine, but I think you need to do a little bit of rearrangement, because I think you are chucking a lot of information my way all at once - talking about how teenage years are hard and the problems with the family and Tay's inner thoughts all in one paragraph. Now, I think that if you want to include all of this info, you need to work on linking it together more, making at flow and tie together smoothly. Otherwise, I think you should hold more of the information back - maybe have her talking about the difficulties of teenage years and the unsettled state of her family without immediately filling us in on he fact that her dad's left. Leave us to wonder a bit more, maybe alluding to the fact that her life's undergone a dramatic change but not confirming why immediately. I'd reccomend use of the Show vs Tell technique - you're telling us about how Tay's mother and sister have reacted to the father leaving rather than showing us later.
Generally, though I do love your idea and think it's got potential, I think you are being a bit detailed for a first paragraph. It pays to be somewhat vague at the beginning of a story - it keeps the reader interested.
Now, in terms of the second part of the passage, I was a little puzzled. Is this the full chapter? Because, to me, the way it ends is very abrupt, sounding like it's half finished and awaiting completion. You set it up with her getting a birthday present, then end it with a conversation by text. I was hoping for a bit more because, if it wasn't for the whole father-abandonment issue mentioned at the beginning, I wouldn't really be compelled to read on. Try to draw me in a bit more!
Anyway, like Love said, there were a few minor typos and grammar issues, but they can be easily rectified by re-reading and spell checking. Try to read through your work aloud when you finish it, making sure it all flows and rolls off your tongue. This means it should be easy to read in your head also.
Anyway - keep it up! ;D
thanks for the tips, will sort it out but wow that such a long para hehe thanks anyways <3
Here to help.