The big clock tower was chiming midnight as The Man In The Crooked Top Hat patiently watched the city of New York through the wall-length window of his vast apartment. He had been waiting for a long time, yet he was still sitting-- perfectly straight--on a large throne-like chair of dark, polished wood. His sharp elbows rested gently on the ornately decorated arms of the chair and his skeletal fingers were steepled, stretching his thin, paper-like skin across his bones in a way that would make even the most skeptical of people question his humanity.
“E-hem,” came an exaggerated cough from the shadows at the back of the room.
“Ah,” sighed The Man In The Top Hat, without turning around, “Baron, you really are a man of your word.”
“That I am sir,” The Baron boomed in his rough, Texan burr that heavily contrasted with the thinner man’s soft, English sough. “I said I’d come and here I am. I believe you have something for me.”
“Yes, Baron,” The Man In The Top Hat whispered reluctantly, “Though I am afraid to let it go. It is of utmost importance that you keep it with you at all times. If this got into the wrong hands…”
“I know sir, I won’t let it out of my sight,” The Baron promised as The Man In The Top Hat slipped a small velvet drawstring purse out of his pocket.
He placed the bag in The Baron’s outstretched hand. “The most dangerous weapon in the world,” The Man In The Crooked Top Hat whispered, “The Bulletless Gun.”
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, an interesting little start here to this particular piece. You seem to have gone with the old establish a mysterious setting method to get things started and its working out quite well I think. Its a very short description there to introduce our setting but I think that adds to the mystery and the one or two lines we do get about it give us just about enough to imagine these two meeting in this place. A nice and fairly exciting start to things here.
Oooh, well, things are certainly instantly even more exciting and I think this scene manages to be just about perfect for the sort of that you want from something like a prologue. There is simply just plenty of mystery happening there with the mere mention of that weapons names, the names of the two people involved are also the sort that don't give much away but tell you just enough that you know something shady is happening here. All in all, this makes a nice recipe for a very interesting start here and I'd say this particular prologue is certainly successful. I'm definitely interested enough to know want to read on and find out more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Have changed it to 'his fingers were steepled'. I think that's how it's supposed to be. Thanks for pointing it out.
OK, first things first. 'The Man In The Crooked Top Hat' is in capital letters because that's basically his name. He is a mysterious character, who keeps himself to himself and tries not to get involved in things unless they directly effect him. He will be referred to as The Man In The Crooked Top Hat (and variations of that) throughout the book, and when people talk to him they always call him 'sir' etc. Sally will probably discover more about him later on, but not necessarily in this book (there will be more).
Also- yes, that sentence is pretty long, but I don't think I can shorten it without losing a lot of information. It is the first sentence of the book after all, so it kind of gives you an overview of everything (the setting, the character etc.)
I don't know if I have used 'steepled' right, but this is how I have always seen it used in books I have read and it works, so I think I'll leave it how it is.
Thanks for pointing out the comma thing, I hadn't noticed. I have changed that now.
-hatter
Hello MadHatter! Pink here, dropping by for a review.
I do have a few nitpicks that I'd like to point out, so bare with me >,<
Why is 'The man in the crooked top hat' in capital letters?
Also, this sentence looks a little long...although maybe it's just the way I'm reading it.
I'm not sure, but I don't think steeple is being used right. I would double check that, just in case. Maybe I should double check too, though, haha.
First of all, amazing. I love the 'bullet-less gun' it sounds so cool
Secondly, you need a comma after world, lol.
Overall, I enjoyed this preface. It was neat and you did an amazing job at building the suspense, as mentioned before.
It felt like I was diving into another world, filled with magic and all that fantasy goodness. It's capturing, and you know you're going to be immersing yourself in a different world and that thought was enough to get me excited. I love a good book and it seems like you have a great start and I'm actually willing to read more so if you end up posting more do you mind dropping me a note or posting a quick message on my WRFF thread, the link's in my sig.
Cheers,
~Pink
Hey,
This was very interesting. It looks like it could go some place good, yet you don't know where. Have you thought about bringing in Sally Crow and what so special about her? Or maybe bringing in a bad guy. I felt this was leaning more towards fantasy than action/adventure if I am being honest. It felt almost like the Percy Jackson series. Well I hope you figure out where you are going with this, as I would love to read more.
~Retro Disco66
Thanks! This was really helpful. I can't believe I'm being compared to J.K Rowling! The only problem is, I don't know what happens next either. I really didn't do any planning for this, it was a spur-of-the-moment decision to write it. I've had some ideas for characters (that's my favorite part of story writing) but I have no idea whatsoever about where the story is going. Any advice?
Howdy TheMadHatter!
Let's get straight to the good stuff eh?
Grammar:
There were a few nitpicks in this area, and I will list and highlight them in red for you to fix at your leisure.
This section I would probably just reword slightly by changing it from a past tense (sat) to present (sitting). So, in theory you could say "yet he was still sitting". Another thing I just thought I might throw in was the idea of using hyphens instead of commas to make an impact with description. Ex: "yet he was still sitting--perfectly straight--on a large throne-like chair of dark, polished wood." Just an idea. It helps to keep the reader from stumbling over the multiple commas strewn about a sentence. (Hyphens are just two dashes.)
Just add the comma in red.
Put in a few more separating commas (I know I gave you the hyphen advice, but sometimes commas are necessary), change a comma to a period, and then change a period to a question mark in order to communicate that The Baron is asking The Man In The Top Hat whether he indeed had something for him.
Last nitpick, I swear!
In this I wanted to point out that you needed to change it to say that The Baron "folded his chubby pink fingers over it." You need to find a way to signify that it was The Baron under his own will-power controlling his fingers as they grasped the bag containing the Bulletless Gun. Unless it was The Man In The Top Hat who closed The Baron's fist? In that case, well, somehow you need to show that.
Plot and Such:
Now that all the nasty grammar stuff is out of the way, I feel I can get along to the praise portion of this review. Yay! My favorite part! While this was only about a paragraph long, I felt something akin to excitement as I read it. I was suddenly transported back to the day I first opened Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and how I felt as the world opened up in a whole new literary way. Until that point, literature was...well, just literature, but Harry Potter was more than just a book about a boy, it was an entirely new world where fun and excitement in equal proportions awaited me. Before I go off on a tangent--as I can feel myself doing at this moment--I would like to state that I felt a glimmer of that excitement, and the most exciting thing about it was the knowledge that it was only a taste of what I think you can do. So, that in mind, I encourage you most heartily to soldier on through this story, because I want to know more--nay!--need to know more.
Happy Writing!
Bailey
So far.. I love it.
I would watch your levels of description, and perhaps break it up into a couple more paragraphs, but this was wonderful. I love the voice you write with, and how you've given descriptions, as well as titles. I'm not captivated by many story-chapter- type things, but I think I'm going to follow this one. Great job. c:
(especially on building up suspense!)
^____^
Wonderful.
-Coral-