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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Falling Star

by TheJadeDragon


Can't you see, this is my life now

Not happy, not sad, yet everything is bringing me down

All I see is a shadow every time I turn around

It sounds too normal, but they never appear on the ground

So sing me to sleep

And watch me weep

As I start to cry in bed,

I won't make a peep

Or get on my feet

I'd rather be gone instead

Sitting by a window

And knocking on the glass

Holding on to faint memories

For I can't forget about the past

I know, and I knew

That I wasn't for you

Yet I stayed, and you forbade

Watching my soul start to fade

Why can't I just let go

Slip out forever, and never have to go low

I just want to stay with the stars above

The ones that talk to me in reality,

And no, never in my dreams,

My dreams are where I hear horrific screams

That remind me of my tragedy

And up in the night sky

Flying high

Wishing that I want to die

Just getting by

With these lies

As I fall into the tides, 

Hold me forever,

Though you've loved me never

While I start to wither away

Going on night by day

Wishing for my heart to stay

And as I look up

As I've had enough

And I've cried my glory into oblivion,

They gleam and glow,

Like falling snow,

The stars that I've counted to a million

I don't know why

I cannot try

To live, to laugh, o' to love,

I'm locked in a pocket

Don't tell me to "stop it"

As my sharp blade cuts the line

So write me a lullaby

Don't care that you're sly

Writhing your way into my brain,

I know that you're there

No lies, I am scared

But I've killed myself enough

So, I do not care

How do I speak with the moon

Quiet, and graceful

I look upon her and swoon

She's so pretty, so bright

But doesn't make her own light

I can sympathize with her

As she reels me in with her lure,

While her sons and her daughters

Look down on me, and the waters

And as I make my descent,

And my happiness has went,

Away, it is gone, goodbye,

I will say it once more

Though my chest is now sore,

That life is a bore

As I fall to the shore

And up in the dark sky

Soaring high

Hoping that I will soon die

Just getting by

With these lies

As I fall right by the tides,

Hold me forever,

Though you've loved me never

While I start to wither away

Going on night by day

Wishing for my heart to stay

And as I look up

As I've had enough

And I've cried my life into oblivion,

They gleam and glow,

Like falling snow,

The stars that I've counted to a billion

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Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:24 am
alliyah wrote a review...



I think this poem gradually got better as it went on. The beginning seemed a bit generic, there wasn't a lot to hold on to, and some of the details and lines seemed unimportant. Then towards the second half as a reader we learn more about the speaker's inner conflict and this allows us to better connect with the speaker and then to the poem. In the last third of the poem you present a lot of delightful imagery and metaphors to mix into what's already been said.

I have a few suggestions and comments.

1) why are the links in the poem? If you're looking to accent a word I'd recommend changing the font color or making it italics or bold. To put something in bold just use this code: < b > text </ b> (without the spaces) and you should be good.
Using the links is a bit distracting because just like click-bait I end up wanting to click on each one rather than actually read the poem.

2)I would suggest eliminating some of the wordiness right at the beginning. I sometimes suggest deciding on a theme, message, or a story you want to tell in a piece and then eliminate everything that doesn't contribute to that. This can seem difficult when you've spent a long time crafting those lines, but ultimately it leaves you with a much more cohesive piece so that the lines you do have, shine and deliver the intended message.

3)Explore the source of the conflict for the speaker. You do a good job creating a sense of emotion and even drama, but I don't have a very good sense of where the emotion is coming from and I think that is an important piece of this poem that's currently missing.

4)Bring that beautiful imagery and metaphorical work in the last third into the rest of your poem! I love what you're doing with the nature imagery - snow, water, tides, hearts, and stars - but I missed that in the rest of the poem. If you can tie some of that into the earlier parts a bit more explicitly I think it would strengthen the whole piece.

Overall, there were a lot of great lines here. Some of the rhyming seemed a bit forced and/or randomly placed, but I didn't think the lines seemed to choppy or had bad flow overall - so good job on that front. I would maybe suggest taking a second look at some of the punctuation choices, since some of them looked a bit random but that shouldn't take too long and I didn't find overlly distracting while reading the piece.

Thank you for sharing your work, and please let me know if you had any questions about my review!

~alliyah

This review has been brought to you by Team Werewolves. Happy Review Day!



Random avatar


Thank you for the feedback! You made some very great points, and I will definitely take them into consideration. I just want you to know that I'm just a beginner when it comes to writing, so that's why some parts in the poem seem a bit weird. For the first point you made, someone actually wrote a review saying the same things about the links. They don't have any purpose, and I actually have no idea why they're there, my computer is just really weird, and for some reason just linked the words to different websites. For your second point, in my personal opinion, I really like the first part, and the poem only included the first part when I initially wrote it, and I added the second part later on when I thought that it would be much better to get more points across about the narrator. But, I will try to add more to the first part. And as for your third point... well I don't really understand what you're trying to say. It would be really nice if you could explain it more thoroughly though so that I can improve upon my poem. Overall, I thought that your review was great, and I really appreciate giving me advice to make my poem better. Also, one last thing, could you explain how to make the rhyme scheme better?

Thank you for sharing your opinions on the poem- TheJadeDragon



alliyah says...


Ah, thanks for sharing your explanations - it helps me understand where you're coming from.

As for my third point there's a lot of talk about depression and sadness, but as a reader I don't have a sense of what the source of it is. Or why they are thinking about it on this particular occasion - not knowing the source of the conflict makes it difficult to connect to the piece.

And then on rhyme scheme - try to avoid words that you would never use in normal conversation or don't fit the tone of the piece. For instance if you're using olde english don't throw in the word "microwave" or "galaxies". When I read your rhyming a few words stood out as odd like, "peep". I always use this site to find good fitting rhyme words -> http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Wo ... 2=l&org3=y

I hope that helps! And if you ever need another poetry review please feel free to reach out. :)



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Reviews: 364

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Mon Oct 23, 2017 1:49 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello TheJadeDragon! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Can't you see {that} this is my life now

Not happy, not sad, yet everything is bringing me down {"Down" and "now" don't rhyme}[/b]

All I see is a shadow every time I turn around

It sounds too normal, but they never appear on the ground{.}

{Add a "--" here to separate stanzas}

So sing me to sleep

And watch me weep

As I start to cry in bed,

{But} I won't make a peep [I]{This is a line that I feel is amateur.}

Or {I'll} get on my feet {"Feet" and the other words don't rhyme}

I'd rather be gone instead{.} {This whole stanza is very different from the rest of the poem in flow and stanza length}

{--}

Sitting by a window

And knocking on the glass

Holding on to faint memories

For I can't forget about the past{.}

{--}

I know, and I knew

That I wasn't for you

Yet I stayed, and you forbade

Watching my soul start to fade

{--}

Why can't I just let go

Slip out forever, and never have to go low {Huh? What does "have to go low" mean?}

I just want to stay with the stars above {This line doesn't rhyme with anything}

The ones that talk to me in reality,

And no, never in my dreams,

My dreams are where I hear horrific screams

That remind me of my tragedy{.}

{--}

And up in the night sky

Flying high

Wishing that I want to die {Dude, sameeeeee}

Just getting by

With {all of} these lies

As I fall into the tides, {What?}

Hold me forever,

Though you've loved me never{.}

{--}

While I start to wither away

Going on night by day

Wishing for my heart to stay{.}

{--}

And as I look up {This doesn't rhyme with this stanza at all}

As I've had enough {This doesn't rhyme either}

And I've cried my glory into oblivion,

They gleam and glow,

Like falling snow,

The stars that I've counted to a million{.}

{--}

I don't know why

I cannot try

To live, to laugh, {or} to love,

I'm locked in a pocket

Don't tell me to "stop it"

As my sharp blade cuts the line {Hello darkness nostalgia my old friend}

{--}

So write me a lullaby

Don't care that you're sly {Wut is this line}

Writhing your way into my brain, {This doesn't rhyme with this stanza}

I know that you're there

No lies, I am scared {"there" and "scared" don't rhyme}

But I've killed myself enough

So I do not care {.}

{--}

How do I speak with the moon

Quiet, and graceful

I look upon her and swoon

She's so pretty, so bright

But doesn't make her own light{.} {This line doesn't make sense with the rest of the poem}

{--}

I can sympathize with her

As she reels me in with her lure,

While her sons and her daughters

Look down on me, and the waters{.}

{--}

And as I make my descent,

And my happiness has went,

Away, it is gone, goodbye,

I will say it once more

Though my chest is now sore,

That life is a bore

As I fall to the shore

And up in the dark sky

Soaring high

Hoping that I will soon die

Just getting by{.}

{--}

With these lies

As I fall right by the tides,

Hold me forever,

Though you've loved me never{.} {I relate so much man}

{--}

While I start to wither away

Going on night by day

Wishing for my heart to stay{.}

{--}

And as I look up

As I've had enough

And I've cried my life into oblivion,

They gleam and glow,

Like falling snow,

The stars that I've counted to a billion{.}


Okay, overall, I have three things:

  1. Why do you have the links there? I clicked on most of them and they all led me to the Green Room. Is there a point to them? I am very confused by that.
  2. The last part is the strongest. I relate to it so much. I am going through suicidal depression just like the MC of this poem and.... well, I know exactly how this MC feels.
  3. I feel like this would work better as lyrics. I just kept imagining it as a song and not a poem. If you want to make it a song just have soundofmind make up a melody and me to make a back-up track and soundofmind could sing it and stuff because she's the best on here but okay

Good job and keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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841 Reviews

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Sat Oct 21, 2017 6:52 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



This is a very skillfully written poem in the rapping style and the thoughts flow very coherently into one another ending with a consistency. I enjoyed Em and Em's raps.
I imagine that this one set to the type of music he used would sound absolutely great.
Have you tried setting it to background music yet? Great read and great poem. Thanks for sharing.

BTW
The only part that I find can be improved is the part where you shift from "you" to "she". I would keep it in the first person to maintain consistency.




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Points: 389
Reviews: 17

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Sat Oct 21, 2017 10:10 am
popsicles says...



I like this long poem! I can relate to this one very much!
You are a very good writer :D





Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink