Published April 24, 2011
I’m not short. (I’m not tall.)
I’m not a fighter. (I’m not a lover.)
I’m not weak. (I’m not strong.)
I’m not good. (I’m not evil.)
I’m not exactly sad. (But I’m not exactly happy.)
I don’t want to live with them. (But I have to.)
I want you. (But you don’t want me.)
I don’t want to be here. (But I am.)
I never asked for this. (I was forced upon it.)
I don’t want to be like I am. (But I am.)
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Canary word: Present
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140,521 Literary Works • 673,291 Reviews
Hi there. Lavvi in to review for you today.
This was interesting. I liked the last line, how it really tied everything together and added a very wishful sense to the narrator. Like: I'm these things, I don't like it, but I have to accept who I am. That kind of thing. It's really awesome.
The thing that bothered me was this line:
I thought you could write a little more here, like: But I am standing on the cliff. Or something. Adds a little more...mystery? Suspense? Y'know, hopefully, what I mean.
Yours,
Lavvi
Wow, I've never seen so many parenthesis in one poem. But it's interesting and different, so you sould keep those. Here's what I noticed...
Overall, I think this is a cute poem with some good emotion in it. I think some of the phrases should be changed, but don't necessarily have to be. The repetition in the beginning should probably remain throughout the poem or tone down a little. Great job with this and keep wriring!
I don't get what you're trying to get across exactly. The poem wasn't exactly a story, it wasn't a rant or anything. So basically what I'm saying is, what are you trying to tell us? What's the story (or emotions, I suppose) behind the poem? You've told us all of this:
But then again about a thousand people could fit into that profile. So, I'm not too sure what your poem was trying to get across.
Having said that, I quite like the contradicting thing you've got going there. But the brackets look a bit strange. I would've set it out like this
Or something along the lines of that. So, it was a very nice, simple poem. Short and sweet. Also very pleasant to read. But I'm still not too sure what the poem was trying to say.
It's really good. Sort've how I feel most of the time (except I'm tall.) All that and you barely told us anything. So very vague. But good. Very good.
*Laughs and cackles menacingly*
I don't know why I did that, but my brain does not functioning. See? Right there, there is a perfect example. I like it, it's your mask.
-thestorygirl
Although this was a little short I did indeed like it. Toward the end it would have been nice to see a brighter more happier line to finish this poem, like a glimpse of light at the end of a dark tunnel. Despite that factor I still thought it was great. putting the verdict in brackets was a bit risky and some people would argue it isn't totally grammatically correct but I actually liked that part of it and I did think it was nice. I liked how the first line was very simple and basic and then how toward the end the lines got deeper and more personal. Overall very good, some parts very a bit to simple but mostly I found it very pleasing and good to read.