Just a reflection away..

As the storm calms down and leaves,
A fear starts to awaken in you..
Once again... all over again.
Why give the sorrows a chance to glee?
Mourn all night to wake up tomorrow instead.
An enlightening thought you think?
Yes, I have lived that moment & it's a mistake.

Tears will not quench anything,
But the thirst of weakness will brighten instead.
Live another day to toughen your way,
Because life is a miracle possessed by you.
Treasure the blessing granted,
By forgetting to surrender to the grave pain.
Pain is just an excuse to torture yourself,
Why be so cruel when there is always repent?

As the misty memories drop by,
You begin to think of standing again -
Standing for one last time to defeat the opponent.
The swirling wind whispers the name of the rival,
You stand astound as the wind speaks your name.
Yes, the battle was always with yourself,
Just a reflection away.
The result has shown itself,
Congratulations, the storm has finally ended.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
mollycarraway
Review

Hi there!

So I really enjoyed this! It's inspirational and tender, which is something the world needs more of. However, there is always room for improvement. :)

So let's dive in!

As the storm calms down and leaves,
A fear starts to awaken in you..
Once again... all over again.
Why give the sorrows a chance to glee? #8040FF ">Slight confusion here... and maybe it's just me, but what does it mean for sorrow to "glee"? Just saying, that's not entirely clear.
Mourn all night to wake up tomorrow instead.
An enlightening thought you think? #BF00BF ">You'll want a comma between "thought" and "you".
Yes, I have lived that moment & it's a mistake. #0000BF ">Here, I would put the full word "and" instead of "&".

Tears will not quench anything,
But the thirst of weakness will brighten instead. #FF0000 ">I ADORE these two lines here. They have a great message. However, I really would rethink the way it's stated. Something like "Tears will not quench anything/But the thirst of weakness, brightening it instead."
Live another day to toughen your way,
Because life is a miracle possessed by you. #8080FF ">BEAUTIFUL!
Treasure the blessing granted,
By forgetting to surrender to the grave pain. #00BFFF ">Fantastic concept, but I would think about word choice. Perhaps "refusing" instead of "forgetting".
Pain is just an excuse to torture yourself, #800040 ">Period at the end of this line instead of a comma.
Why be so cruel when there is always repent? #4000FF ">I think you're looking for the word "repentance"?

As the misty memories drop by,
You begin to think of standing again -
Standing for one last time to defeat the opponent. #40FF00 ">Take the "for" out. It sounds better.
The swirling wind whispers the name of the rival,
You stand astound as the wind speaks your name. #BF00FF ">"Astounded" instead of "astound", I think.
Yes, the battle was always with yourself,
Just a reflection away.
The result has shown itself, #FF4000 ">Period here instead of a comma.
Congratulations, the storm has finally ended. #FF80FF ">Lovely finish!


Once again, this really is a phenomenal poem. You've got a great start here, so keep up the great work!

~Molly

User avatar
Ardor
Review
Ardor wrote a review · Mon Nov 07, 2011 6:09 pm

Hey! I wil be your reviewer. First things first:

As the storm calms down and leaves,
A fear starts to awaken in you..
Once again... all over again.
Why give the sorrows a chance to glee?
Mourn all night to wake up tomorrow instead.
An enlightening thought you think?
Yes, I have lived that moment & it's a mistake.


Nice little mood you got going on there. I liked your use of rhetoric. Had a nice little flow going on aswell.

Tears will not quench anything,
But the thirst of weakness will brighten instead.
Live another day to toughen your way,
Because life is a miracle possessed by you.
Treasure the blessing granted,
By forgetting to surrender to the grave pain.
Pain is just an excuse to torture yourself,
Why be so cruel when there is always repent?


Now I am not fond of this part for several reasons.
1) The flow isn't as realised as it was first stanza
2) I didn't like the last line; I don't feel it fit with the other lines.
3) It seems very bittersweet, which may not be the look you're going for.

As the misty memories drop by,
You begin to think of standing again -
Standing for one last time to defeat the opponent.
The swirling wind whispers the name of the rival,
You stand astound as the wind speaks your name.
Yes, the battle was always with yourself,
Just a reflection away.
The result has shown itself,
Congratulations, the storm has finally ended.


Now this is where it restores to it's beauty. I especially loved the closing line.

I don't usually do star ratings, but I give that 4 stars out of 5. You seem to know your stuff; glad to have read it.

User avatar
TheGuiltyOne
Comment

Thank you :)
Now, let me stalk your writings :D

User avatar
stevensmith05
Comment

You get te mod just right.
The emotion really is fantastic, i nearly cryed
An overall excellent piece
I can't wait to read more of your work
Keep writing
Ste



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