Published May 29, 2010
I am yours.
Your eyes are an abyss.
A beautiful chasm that seems to pull me in deeper with each passing second
Trapping me;
Ensnaring me in hypnotic pools of deep brown.
I despise them.
Yet I can't look away.
Each stroke of your fingertips against my skin,
Every brush of your lips against mine,
Makes it more and more difficult to hold my own.
Every second that passes turns my body to liquid
I want to melt into the very existence that is you.
I am yours.
I hate it.
I told myself that I would never fall victim to a lover's spell.
But here I am,
feverish with infatuation.
I try to turn, to move, to run
But my legs will not obey my mind's feeble command.
I stand forced to endure this torture,
This pain
This love.
Your strong arms hold me close;
Shielding me from the pain of the world,
And I pray you will never let me go.
I am yours.
==Critiques Welcome==
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139,687 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Hey there, love. Okay, here we go.
First of all, I thought your poem was very nice. I feel that it would have been better to see something like this in couplets or some other meter, a bit more formal because I believe that would be what really could enhances your style of poetry, or really - the style that you used here. The real reason I think you should at least try that is because it will enhance your technique, and not because I think one style of poem is better than another. I think you have a good thing going for you here, but practicing something a little more restrained will teach you the best way to break away from the formalities while still maintaining the refined skill. Maybe you do know something about formal poetry, but I can't tell that here. This may seem like rough criticism, and I hope not, but my reason is because I think you have a lot of talent, but I don't think you using it to your best. It just seems sloppy. I really hope you don't take offense at any of this.
As it is, besides the above spelling errors, I don't think you need the punctuation - in your format, you don't really need them and they almost make the poem confusing.
Good luck and keep writing!
At your service,
Mandorelute.
Thank you for the critiques! I wanted the poem to be slightly confusing, as the narrator is confused. She feels trapped in his gaze, in his arms, but at the same time, doesn't want to let go. Her main feelings are that she's been hurt before, and feels herself slowly falling for this man, but hates it. She feels like he has the upper hand (He traps her) but it is an exquisite torture.
Hallo. :} My name is Aushy, and I'm here to review your work today.
This was . . . absolutely fantastic! Honestly, I'm not kidding! I love how you portrayed everything the way you did, it was simply beautiful and I felt as if I were the main character.
I only have three critiques, one which the before reviewer caught, but I don't want to make it seem as if I didn't see it. x[}
Okay, we know what you did wrong . . . you used the wrong 'your' . . . but that's not something too hard to fix.
Next:
I don't like how you didn't capitalize the two 'this's. I know why you didn't, but I'd think it'd make your point a lot stronger if you did.
And lastly: At the beginning of your poem you said, "I am yours." In the middle you said, "I am yours." I think it would be so much more dramatic if you end the entire thing with, "I am yours." Keep whatever you have now--I just suggest that you add that. Okay. There we go. :}
Alright. Thank you for putting this up, it was completely and utterly lovely, and please come to my tropical shack of reviews by clicking reviews at the bottom of my signature, or PM me if you have anything you ever need to be reviewed!
Love & Blessings,
Aushy
It's your, not you're. You're showing me that you can
apply the rules of 'Your' and 'you're' in the last line :]
To me as a reader, it's quite confusing.
You find it beautifal but it's pulling you "in deeper"?
To me that sounds quite negative. The "Hypnotic pools of deep brown"
are what I can only assume to be mud? Why are they hypnotic?
Also, why do you despise them? It's a bit vague in comparrison
to the rest of the poem
Once again, I am very confused as a reader. It seems you
have changed the poem. In the previous descriptions,
if you were describing him, what was the brown pools thing about?
It makes sense if you're describing his eyes but make it clearer please :]
You describe at the beginning of this section,
to want to melt in to him. (Love the metaphor btw)
But then you go and change it.
'I am yours.
I hate it.'
This completely contradicts what you were saying before.
You love being his but you also hate it. If you are trying to portray
a sense of confusion from the narrator, please try and do so with a
more simplistic aproach and maybe describe it in more detail as to
what is confusing you.
Overall, your descriptions are beautifal and very intriguing. But you MUST read through your work and try and fix the things that don't make sense. Read it aloud and listen from another's perspective. Find a motive or a clear emotion inwhich to write from. Your idea's are brilliant and with a bit more practice, you're there!
Love love love your metaphors
-Pages <3