Published January 19, 2011
Prolouge
Im not your average teenage girl, no sir. I live in a church where I'm my pastor's pet. Yes, indeed I am. Legend say's that one day a girl with a scar looking like a upside down V is a fallen angel. A fallen angel with immortality running through her veins. The pastor found me in a tree one day I was only eight years old. It was raining like hell that day. I was drenched in rain. The pastor also found my parent's, he took us inside the church. Back then he was friendly, he was healing us but when he saw my scar he ran to get the priest. The priest ripped the back of my white dress and gasped. He grabbed my hair and led me to this room. The others searched my parent's but the look on the priest face when he saw my mother was hungry. He took my mother to a room and my mother screamed and tried to fight him off. So did my father but,they held him down, and I watched in horror as they thrust a knife through my father's stomach.
I ran for my mother and she held me close to her chest. The priest yanked me from my hair but I didnt give up the fight, The pastor grabbed my little legs and yanked me away from my mom. I screamed for my mom and so did she. The priest grew tired of my mother screaming and fighting him off. My father ran to the priest and pushed him away from my mom and my mother ran to me. Then we heard a bullet. My mom eyes widened then her mouth started to fill up with blood.
"Mommy!" I screamed.Even though my mother and father can handle lots of pain but they can never survive a bullet in the heart. The heart is our weakness but other than that were unstoppable but if were bleeding then were a goner.
"Dont worry baby girl. Im here, it just my shoulder." But by the looks of it I knew she was lying.She hugged me and I hugged her back but the priest grabbed me and put a knife under my chin, My mom screamed. My dad ran to the priest and took me away from him but the priest reached in time to cut his cheek. I winced in pain when I saw the amount of blood that came down rolling from his cheek.
"Give me the girl or else I will shoot your wife." The priest pointed the gun at my mom and she looked at my dad with desperate eyes. I moved away from my dad and I went towards the priest."Aww aint that a good girl but too bad I dont keep my promises." Then the gun went off. I screamed as the bullet hit my mommy's heart and blood bloomed in her chest like roses. My eyes widened in horror, No not her heart! I screamed in my head.
My dad ran to her and his eyes turned dark red. He ran to the priest but the other men that were there tackled my dad and punched him several times but he kept going towards the priest. Then the pastor hit him in the head with a candle holder then my father was unconsious.
My mother is dead, my father is defeated. What else is there to lose? My freedom.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,423 Reviews
I'm sorry it wasn't intended that way! I was only harsh because I think that this story has loads of potential and I really enjoyed reading it! I can't wait to read the next chapters
Harsh indeed
but i will take your advice no matter how harsh it was.
I know this is just a prologue, but I think some touching up could be done. Don't get me wrong, it was interesting and I will enjoy reading the rest of the chapters, but to be honest I thought it was all a little: she did this, then he did this, then i did this. It needs to flow more and don't be afraid to have longer sentences! Also, I am just curious as to whether the parents had powers as well, because the dad got stabbed in the stomach in the first section, and then he got stabbed again, and then later on he was continuously stabbed? I think it needs a bit more thought put into it, and try exchanging some of the words for other ones.
This is what I was describing in my first section of the review. Rather than just linking up sentences and stating what happened, add in more description. Also, make sure you are checking for spelling mistakes! Unconscious has a 'c' in it.
This is another sentence I am talking about where you need to add more description. Perhaps instead try writing something like:
"So did my father, but they held him down, and I watched in horror as they thrust a knife through his stomach."
That sentence isn't that great, but you get my idea. Add more detail in your story, and make the sentences flow so it's not like: I went to the park. I ate an ice cream. My dad ate an ice cream. It was good.
I also think you have used the word stabbed too many times, and too be honest I don't particularly like the word haha. try changing it for another word, like I did above. I understand that you are writing from the perspective of a young-ish child, but there are still alot of things that could be improved.
Also, like I mentioned previously about the parents being abnormally strong, was this also the case with the mother? She was shot and then ten seconds appeared to be unaffected by this?
As for the violence side of things, getting a reader to cry is something you should be proud of, it means that they have believed your story! Just make sure that this has a higher rating though so young children don't read it.
Oh and remember to use commas!
I am sorry if I sounded harsh or anything similar, but I think this story has potential it just needs to have work done to it (: I look forward to reading the rest, and good luck with your story!
Want me to tone down the description part? Is it bad? Sorry im just new at this(sigh) was it too violent?
Wow, that was violent! It made me want to cry.
I do not have much grammar wise to add that has not already been said. Keep writing and good job with your descriptions.
~FW~
You're welcome!
Thank you i will listen to your advice. Im just new to this thats why but i will try my best. Thank you.
Hey Fallen, corrections in red!
I understand that this is a prologue and you want it to be short and sweet, but I think that if you want to go with the bird imagery, you should make it longer to really get the full effect; like describe why she feels like she is going mad and belongs in the sky. This is just my opinion of course, do what ever you feel is the best way to introduce your story and your main character.
The grammar was pretty terrible, but that's easily fixable. Other than that I don't have much to say, just watch your capitalization and word usage.
Last note,
These sentences just negate the pretty imagery you were trying to use. They are used way too often and do nothing but cause readers to roll their eyes. Well, at least mine. We will eventually figure out her name and where she lives and goes to school, you don't have to state it blatantly.
Anyway! Nice start, can't wait to find out what happens next