Through the darkness

Prologue
This is a very different world than you and I know today. Technology has come and gone, along with the natural human way of life. The Apocalypse has happened and the once prosperous planet full of cities and towns has become a land of rugged terrain and forests that expand as far as the eye can see. The human race lives on but we are not alone.
It has been thousands of years since the great changing of the planet. It would seem that the hands of time had been turned back and our world had become trapped in the dark ages once again. One would assume that with the near annihilation of the human race there would be peace once again, well, they were horribly mistaken.
The clash of the species of this planet had never been so severe. Each battling for dominance, and for once we humans were not the top of the food chain. Reads a bit clunky. Perhaps “each species was battling...” Various species That said, we don’t want to repeat the word “species” too much. walk the land we once ruled. Some that look exactly like us, some with amazing powers, and some more closely resembling animals than humans. Stupid, power hungry creatures, is what my stepfather always called them. I had been taught at a young age that the only way to survive in this world is to have power, and without it, you were nothing.
Chapter 1
Why do they always stare? Ugh, stupid commoners, I ought to punch them in their faces for looking at me like that,Comma. Close the gap here. Rayluna thought with a sneer as she made her way through the busy streets of Louis City. The curious looks of the humans always made her uncomfortable. Sure she was half human, but to them she was an outsider. Her tan, olive toned skin greatly differed from her bright almond shaped blue eyes. “An exotic beauty” her mother had once called her. Rayluna quickly pulls the cloak around her face closer as she hurriedly ducks through a back alley. Be careful not to change tenses. You said “thought” (past tense) then “ducks” (present)
“My thoughts exactly Luna,” a low voice whispers from behind a stack of large crates.
“Damnit,comma stay out of my thoughts Lucrecia!” Close this gap. Keep who is saying it straight after the speech.Rayluna says with venom as she tugs off her brown cloak revealing her long black curly trestles? Tresses?. She watches as a large white wolf emerges from behind the crates, and sits on its haunches in front of her.
“I’m just agreeing with you, I can’t stand being in the presence of those idiotic creatures either”, she says in a low voice. The white wolf’s brilliant blue grey eyes light up with humor.
“Well, you didn’t have to come Lucrecia, and for the love of god would it kill you to try to look normal?” Rayluna asks.comma a bit irritated.
The white wolf yawns revealing her pearly white rows of dagger sharp teeth. “Come on Luna without me who would keep your ass out of trouble?” she replies seeming somewhat bored.
Rayluna shoots the wolf a death glance before walking toward a raggedy brown door, nearly hidden among the clutter of the alley.
“Fine, I’ll blend in,” the wolf replies, and with that a bright glow erupts around the animal, quickly engulfing it with a blue light. The glow takes the form of a slim young girl, built slightly athletic with curves that would break a man’s heart. Her mass of wild silky white hair ran down her back, nearly to her knees. Her pale skin shone unnaturally in the dim light, her blue-grey eyes now completely without humor.
“Now, that’s much better!” Rayluna laughs, her aqua colored eyes on her best friend’s human form.
“Humph” the white haired beauty replies. “Let’s just get this over with”.
Pushing the aged wooden door open, the two enter silently.
The smell of fire burning and whiskey meets them upon entrance. The loud hoarse voices of men,comma laughing and yelling, are heard throughout the noisy room. Rayluna leading, walks through the cluster of tables, ignoring the looks and leers of the numerous men occupying the bar. Most people would be scared shitless entering a bar occupied by so many dangerous looking, burly men.
A loud crash is heard as a fight erupts on a far side of the bar. “That was MY drink you piggly son-of-a bitch!” a course voice yells loudly.
”Tell me again why we are doing this?” Lucrecia’s thoughts waft through Rayluna’s mind.
“Don’t start! It won’t take long, and hey we’ll earn a nice penny doing this.” Rayluna says to Lucrecia via her thoughts.
Another crash is heard as a large brown skinned man with an unshaven face is hurtled towards a table, his large body crashing it to mere splinters.
“Better yet make that EASY money, taking these guys on will be like a walk in the park” I’m intrigued.Rayluna adds as she watches the attacker of the other man impale the fallen man with his huge hairy fist.
“Park? What the hell is that?” Lucrecia asks dully.
“Never mind” Rayluna states as she approaches the bar in the front of the room. It’s thousands of years in the future, most of the human race has been wiped out, and people still use common expressions like “a walk in the park”?
The bar tender, a large man with suntanned skin and blonde greasy hair tied back in a pony tail, grins at her showing numerous missing teeth. “Hm aren’t you a pretty lil thing!” his loud voice with a southern accent exclaims. “Ya know the brothel nights aint till Saturday!” he says with a leer. “Although I wouldn’t mind havin you myself”. Gross. Nice.
Rayluna swallows the trail of curse words she wanted to scream at the man, and instead states calmly “Actually we are here for the fights”.
His ugly glazed over green eyes bulge out his bulbous head. “Yer kiddin me? YOU want to fight?” his voice irrupts in laughter. “The only female challengers we get in here are Lurans, ogres, or soldiers.” He looks her up and down and then his eyes travel towards Lucrecia, who has her head turned examining a present fight going on in the ring at the center of the room. “And neither one of you look like you would fit that category.”
“Look, we just wanna make some cash okay?” Rayluna states slightly irritated at the constant roaming of his eyes over her breasts. Men. ”Or are your fat, unskilled so-called prized fighters too afraid of getting their ass kicked by a couple of females?” She adds slyly.
That did it. “Okay little lady! It’s your decision.” He states dryly. “Besides once these guys are done workin you over perhaps you’ll take me up on my other offer and work as a whore instead. I’d make a hellava lotta money offa you two.” He licks his crusted lips and then adds. “I’ll tell whoever you’re – make sure you don’t mix up your and you’re. up against not to hit you in your pretty face”.
Behind Rayluna a grow ripples through Lucrecia’s throat. Damn fat lowlife human scum.
“Calm down Lucrecia, perhaps we will get the honor of busting his greasy head open as well” Rayluna says to her irritated best friend.
“Okay” is her simple reply to the bartender. He shakes his head and hands her a form to fill out.
“Your fight will be next,comma “he states to her.
“Okay” she states Try avoid using the same speech tags twice in a row. States, cries etc. once again as she walks off towards an empty table with an angry Lucrecia following.
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The petite, slim form of Rayluna stood confidently in the ring of the bar. Her long black curls were tied back in a low ponytail and she wore a tight black sleeveless shirt, which was cut inches above her belly button. Her tight black pants hugged the curves of her legs. She tapped her left foot making sure her knee high boots were tight. Her blue eyes scanned the ring.Another comment, don’t overload on description of your characters, especially not in one go like this. The large, intimidating columns that ran along the four sides of the ring, were protruding with steel spikes. The floor of the ring was wooden and blotched with brown blood stains that silently told the story of pain and bloodshed that occurred on a daily basis. In the center of the floor a worn red ring was painted with the words “The brave do not fear the grave”. A nice detail.
Rayluna shifted her attention to her opponent, a large pale skinned man with dark eyes full of rage. He was naked except for a ragged pair of trousers. Probably best to just say he is shirtless. His bulging muscles constricted under the bright glare of the lanterns overhead. He looked Rayluna up and down before letting out a loud roar.
“THIS is my opponent?” he yells,comma. And you’ve switched tense again! his ugly face twisting in hate. “I’m here to fight not fuck, haha nice. get this half breed bitch outta here and get me some real competition!”.
Rayluna’s eyes narrow into slits and she curls her lip in anger. She quickly rushes towards the towering man, and before he can....please try keep tense consistent! react, she slams her tiny fist into his large chin.
The large man is sent flying into a [s]large[/s] Try not to repeat words. column at the edge of the ring. He screams out in pain and before he gets to his feet he feels a small hand clutch him around the throat. Rayluna picks [s]the much larger man[/s] we’ve gathered by now that he is large, you don’t need to keep reminding us. up and begins to wail on the man in a flurry of tiny fists.
The onlookers in the crown watch,comma speechless,comma as they observe the tiny woman pound the enormous man until it seems Avoid being passive. Just say it DOES spew. blood spews from every crevice of the man’s body.
“How? What? There’s NO way that she can be that strong!” one dumbstruck man whispers.
“She most certainly isn’t human, at least fully human!” another man chimes in. “She’s beating the hell outta Tamius like he’s a rag doll!.” Delete the period after the exclamation mark.
“Morons” Lucrecia murmurs.
Within minutes the large man lays sprawled out across the ring, completely unconscious. Rayluna, without even a scratch, turns towards the referee and states, “well, I guess I win then.” And she stalks off stage, with bewildered looks of the bars occupants following her.
Lucrecia’s fight with the next challenger went by even faster, and oh so much bloodier. The white haired beauty tears See how you’re switching tense? You said “went” (past tense) then “tears” (present) through the opponent in a matter of seconds[b]comma her blows much quicker, and deadlier than Rayluna’s. The beautiful shape shifter was You switched back to past tense. a born fighter and has And back to present! Pick one for your story and stick with it. never known defeat.
Rayluna laughs as Lucrecia nonchalantly walks off stage as the once tall, stocky man lays in a crumpled mass of his own blood and hair.
“Well at least you didn’t kill him” Rayluna calmly states as she made her way towards the bar with her friend following to collect the money they had won.
Nearing the corner of the street leading to her home, Rayluna stopped and quickly stuffed the money they had won in her right boot. “We’re almost home and I don’t want mamma to know what we were up to” she states quietly.
In truth Rayluna’s mother had no idea her daughter knew how to fight let alone even knew of the power she possessed. She was raised to be a “lady” and fighting was severely looked down upon. Her mother hid her daughters other ancestry away from her, and would die protecting her from the truth. Rayluna was half Elitian, which was an ancient warrior race of the old world. Elitians looked [s]like[/s] human except they all had a slightly darker skin tone, many having a bronze skin tone. Are you trying to say that humans cannot have dark skintones? Are there no black people in your world? They were all dark haired and dark eyed, and possessed strength and agility that was like no other. This race had once dominated large areas of the earth, ruling with power and superiority. Elitians were feared because of their strength and cruel demeanor.
This all ended two hundred years ago when the race suddenly nearly died out. Rayluna had no idea what really caused them to die out but the only ones that remained were small covens in the Caribbean and Italy, and the rest were enslaved by emperor Velien in his empire of Eurasia. Her father, Makiah, had been from a Caribbean coven. Rayluna had no memory of her father, and all she knew about him was where he was from and that he had died before she was born.
“I need a bath, I got that guy’s blood all over my good shoes” Lucrecia’s voice pulled Rayluna out of her thoughts.
“Hmmm?” Rayluna asks as they neared Asks / neared – switched tense again. the back gate to her home,comma Covington Manner.
The enormous stone building sat in the middle of an enormous Again, try not to repeat adjectives close together like this. lawn with two gardens surrounding the back side. The dark gothic three storied house had four large towers that reached high in the sky. Large, marble sculptures surrounded the enormous stone steps that flowed down the front of the building. Twin water fountains, on each side of the steps, spewed water silently, their shadows relics in the night.
Her step father, Lord Tanner Urving, had built her mother the grandest house in the entire city. The house was a glory to behold, and all the townsfolk were envious of the beauty that was Covington manner. Rayluna hated it.
As she silently closed the gate she realized just how late it had gotten, and motioned Lucrecia towards the backdoor of the house.
“And just where the hell have you been little girl?” a low voice growled.
A chill ran down Rayluna’s spine as realization hit her. There was no mistake of [b]whose voice it was.
She turned and looked into the dark, hatred filled eyes of her step father. An evil stepfather? Cliche. Hopefully you give his character a bit of dimension. I know in fantasy novels characters are often stereotypes – pure evil, oafish men (like your humans in this story), powerful/beautiful women – but if you want to set your story apart from the rest, your characters need to be a bit more developed than that. I’ve read heroines like yours many times before, and I don’t see much different about yours. Also please double check grammar – there were a lot of missing commas, missing speech marks and misusing words. Not my kinda story, but not hopeless.