Published September 8, 2010
The warmth, as of a hearth (song)?
The choir, as of angels (beauty)?
The magnificence, as of a painted Venus (smile)?
The mirth, as of a newborn babe (magic)?
With words, alone one
Cannot fantasize of hope to describe
The essence; though, it may be scribbled.
Infusion
Injected
Via earth's essences from the spirit
World's trove –- diluted like
As not, so must the concentration
Burst!-
Forgo the safety your caution
And pour
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The essence of what? Also, you repeat "essence" three lines later, which is far too close considering how short the two lines in between are.
On thing that really threw me off with this poem was how every single line started off capitalized. It just broke the flow between lines for me, especially since most of the lines were quite short, and you played with the enjambment. Another was the words included in parentheses in the first stanza. What purpose do they serve? Right now, they just look like an attempt to be clever.
First off, these lines make no sense when strung together. Secondly, why the extreme in the spacing? I'm guessing you intended it to be more like a staircase than far-too-distant stepping stones? I suggest that next time spacing is an important feature of your poem, you maybe upload a screenshot of your poem with appropriate formatting, else maybe attach a PDF file. That way, your formatting will be preserved.
Hi Ilyaeelz. I think I'll edit the punctuation a bit, because it doesn't exactly flow right with the comma positioning you used.
I highlighted "babe" in blue, because I'm not sure if that's the word you're looking for. It could just be a typo, but generally "babe" is a term that boys call their girlfriends. I think you mean "baby."
I highlighted that phrase up there in blue, because I didn't exactly understand it. "Like as not"? I would edit it, but I'm not sure what you're aiming for.
I like that you were trying to indent "Forth all over," and even more so for "Love your muse!" However, the don't need to be indented that much. I thought, for a second, that "Forth all over" was the title of another poem that you were posting, and, quite frankly, I didn't see the last line until I took a closer look.
"Mayhaps" isn't a word. You were either aiming for "maybe" or "perhaps."
Overall, this was a great poem with some spectacular imagery. I think the main thing you have to focus on during editing is the flow and the meter -- you know, how well the words fall off the tongue. Great work, and I'd like to see more of your poetry!
- Abigail