Published September 2, 2010
Older poem than my previous submission (which is the latest poem I've done).
Where to even begin -
her hair, let loose
to ensnare and bind me? Nah.
Her vexatiously cute mousy face;
set in stone – no smirk even,
Not a muscle twitches when
I greet her; she smiles!
... At someone else's joke.
Radiance that leaves me frigid –
in the dark.
But we're not lacking in interaction,
oh no.
A smile? – Perchance.
A hug? – 'NO.'
A kiss? The domain of masochists.
Okay, so lovey-dovey
we ain't; Foes
only in writing, we find talk tough.
Her petite, delicate lips frame
a smirking mockery of me.
Her frame of reference set
to distaste, distorts me.
Her frame, an iron butterfly,
distracts me. Only
time will tell,
how to frame my thoughts?
Wrongly, she says, she always
tells me; if I had a nickel for each rebuke
I could buy that cliché, and a sports car besides.
Patience...
Will shapes reality; hers
is greater. Tension necessary?
I trust in faith, in her
obfuscating bashfulness.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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It was fresh and new, I haven't really seen much like it on here. You sure got your point across, I really felt the jitters and all of the emotions going through the narrator's head. Well Done! Keep Writing!
Personally I quite liked the jittery flow and the pnctuation everywhere. For me it conveyed a sense of confusion and disorientation and possibly a kind of longing for stability. That's just how it made me feel. It seems the narrator can't help but love the creature he's decribing despite the, what seems like, torment he's going through. I liked it.
You need to look over your punctuation more carefully, not just because you missed a couple of essential commas here and there, but also to reevaluate just how many pieces of punctuation are necessary. For example, in "She smiles!–" pick either the exclamation mark or the dash (which should be an m-dash rather than the n-dash you have). Having both is overkill and breaks the flow since it jars your reader out of the poem.
Speaking of flow, what little flow you had was extremely choppy. Part of this is due to the punctuation, but a lot of it has to do with where you placed your line breaks and that you capitalized excessively. Poetry follows the same rules of grammar as regular writing, and so the first letter of every line does not need to be capitalized. In fact, unless you're writing a poem with a formal structure, I suggest avoiding capitalizing the first letter of each line except where grammatically correct.
As for your placement of line breaks, you have to realize that at the end of each line, there is an unconscious pause as the reader's eyes jump from the end of that line to the beginning of the next. Not taking this pause into account, as brief as it may be, results in a very irregular flow. The best way to catch problems related to flow is to read your poem aloud; places that you stumble upon should be noted and fixed.
Another major issue of this poem is the contradictory portrayal of the subject. Some descriptions have her as being coy and a tease. Others have her being shy and innocent. Yet others portray her as scornful and petty. Make up your mind which way you'll portray her, or, if you're portraying aspects of her personality, make that clearer. Draw comparisons and contrast the different aspects, but don't forget to make it clear that that's what you're doing.
As it stands, this poem is more confusing and convoluted that it needs to be. Refine it, cut down on the unnecessary areas, and streamline the flow of ideas.
Hello there! Ok, so I like what were trying to do here. I got your story but the punctuation didn't help my comprehension.
From the very beginning I didn't know what to feel. I don't know if you were trying to put through anger, confusion, disappointment, or even if you were in some sort of bind with a woman magically...Sooo
Nitpicks!:
You don't need the "Dot, dot, dot" thing (I forgot what it's called).
That starts off confusing.
I don't understand why this is a question.
Why is this a question? because it doesn't make so much sense, especially that your missing, probably, some words.
Good poem though, I slightly get it, you just need to work on punctuation. PM me for anything (clarification, because I probably didn't explain well) and write on.