z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Beginning of a story (edited) (advice needed!)

by TheEpicTurtle


Rain fell down outside, with only the occasional sound of thunder to interrupt the peaceful sound of the raindrops. I stared out at the dreary woods that surrounded my house, hoping I could lose myself in the quietness of the sleeping woods to avoid listening to the angry shouts coming from downstairs.

A loud smack of a hand on a table-top reached my ears, making me flinch. My brother had gotten in trouble again for forgetting to do his chores, which inevitably led to the weekly scream-fest I was starting to know and hate.

"Do you think you can just slack off around here and get away with it? Do I have to do everything around here?" shouted my mother. I snorted. She worked most of the day at the local restaurant, Billy's Bar and Grill, and wasn't home much as it is. And since dad was off in the Middle East fighting ISIS, a terrorist group that had been striking fear into the hearts of men and women around the world, there was no-one at home to keep an eye on us kids. Even if she wanted to take care of everything around here, she couldn't manage it with her hectic schedule.

Dad, I thought, picking up the picture of him I had sitting on my nightstand. It had been over a year since I had seen him last, and besides the occasional letter, I never heard from him. When he was here, my brother never did dumb stuff to get in trouble, and my mother never got into fights with my brother. Dad always was the peacemaker, always keeping things sane. But now with him gone, the arguments between my mom and my brother raged, leaving me to deal with it.

I sighed, staring at his image behind the glass. His brown hair was cut in the typical army buzz-cut, and his hazel eyes smiled in the picture. I had the same color hair he did, and the same wish for peace. I missed him every day, and hoped that he would be able to come home soon and help fix the rift between my mom and my brother.

Suddenly, my mother let out a stream of angry words that only she could hear or understand, pulling me out of my thought. My brother replied in a dangerous low tone, and I winced. This argument was one of the longer ones they'd had in a while, and pretty soon no distraction would be enough. I would soon have to resort to finding my MP3 player and headphones and losing myself in a book for a while.

Thunder rolled outside my window, and a flash of lightening brightened the sky for a couple seconds. Hopefully the power wouldn't go out; that would mean I wouldn't have the sound of the furnace to cover up part of their conversation.

Ping. My phone alerted me of a new message, and I scrambled to get it, thankful for the distraction. It was probably my friend Tara, who probably was sitting bored at home, and wanting to hear about how my day went.

Hey, wassup Mad Hatter? she texted me. We were both in the spring production of Alice in Wonderland, with me as the Mad Hatter and her being the Queen of Hearts, hence the nicknames.

Nothing good Queenie. I shot back. Another shout came from downstairs, this time from my brother. In a couple minutes he'd abandon the conversation, storm up the steps, and lock himself in his bedroom for the rest of the day. Mom would probably hole up in her art studio, leaving me to create some semblance of food for myself for dinner

Tara texted me back, Need to talk? She asked. I smiled, brushing a stray curl out of my face. Tara was one of my closest friends, one that I told almost everything to. But family was a touchy subject for me, so I simply texted back, Nah. I'll live.

U sure?

Yup. How r u? I asked, changing the subject. It was a minute before she got back.

Hoping u r free this wkend. Brian & Kevin r coming, and I need u 4 backup.

I grinned. Brian and Kevin were two of her closest childhood friends. I myself was new to town, only having met her this year in acting class. We hit it off, and became best friends by the start of second semester.

Am free. Need a ride, though. I texted back. Outside my door came an angry roar from my brother as he stormed up the steps, and the inevitable slam of his door. I heard another door close in the basement, thanks to the vents, and felt a pang of anger that I knew how these arguments between my mom and brother played out. The normal person didn't have that memorized.

The boys can pick u up on their way through. Txt them. Tara shot back. I almost broke out laughing. Like I would have any boys number, even if I was technically friends with them.

Don't have their #s. Can u do it 4 me? I asked.

Srsly? I'll txt u their numbers. She told me. A couple seconds went by, before the numbers appeared on my screen.

~Elaine, The Epic Turtle~


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126 Reviews


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Sun May 28, 2017 1:00 am
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Aleta wrote a review...



Ayoooo TheEpicTurtle! Aleta here for a brief review on your short story.

Now, my first impressions. The first sentence was a bit confusing, and I think this likely stems from the way you worded it. I like the wind and dreary night, but the words around it are kind of questionable. The mother thing is relatable, as it is to most kids. You did well on displaying her anger. The thunder also was great here because it only intensified the scene. Now, onto the critiques....

1. "Rain fell down outside my window, the occasion wind blowing drops into the glass with a patting sound." (found this a bit awkward)
Correction: Rain poured down the side of my window, the occasional wind blowing droplets of water through the glass. (incorporate the patting sound however you wish, not sure how to reword that).

2. " I stared out at the dreary forest surrounding my house, hoping I could become distracted enough in the landscape to avoid listening to the shouts coming from downstairs."
Correction: I stared out at the dreary forest crowding around my house, its long limbs scraping down my window as the rain beat it against our walls.(just trying to add more description). Hoping I could become distracted enough in the landscape, I observed every little crumpled leaf hanging from the tree limbs in the distance. I would do anything to blot out the noises of screaming coming from downstairs.(this is more of a suggestion than a correction)

Besides the beginning the rest of the story was great and had no flaws as far as I could tell. Cheers!






Thanks Aleta! I was unsure how to word some of it, but your review definitely helps. Thanks again!

Elaine, TheEpicTurtle



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Sun May 28, 2017 12:39 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey Elaine! Happy review day!

Ouch, I feel bad for this girl (I'll call her Hatter). Family arguments are definitely something I can relate to, which makes Hatter a really relatable character for me.

I have a few things to comment on:

1) I know it's small, but I wish we got a little more about her dad in the Middle East. I'm limited in my info on terrorist groups there (I took a class this year and learned a bit), so I don't think I can offer much help. However, things like this need research, and I feel like this particular point could've been expanded on a bit more so the readers know a bit more about him in the Middle East!

2) Also about her dad: I would like to know what effect her dad has on the family. Obviously him gone is bringing some instability in the house, but Hatter doesn't really talk about missing him. I feel like a bit description about that could help describe the type of bond she has with her father.

3) The story didn't really feel complete to me. It feels almost like a novel chapter? It didn't really have a resolution, so maybe consider adding on to it or making a part 2! I'm definitely interested in the characters so I was a bit sad when it stopped so abruptly.

I loved the characters, though. The arguments were definitely a great part and I think you did really well having Hatter talk about them. She didn't talk about them excessively but definitely enough for the reader to understand her sucky situation.

I also like her relationship with Tara. When you become best friends with someone so fast, it must mean you have a good connection with them!

I really want to read more, so if you release a second part/add on let me know and I'd love to read it. Keep writing,

~EternalRain






Hi EternalRain! I should've changed the title to "Part of a short story", sorry about that. And thanks for the ideas about her dad; I live in a household with a dad who watches the news a lot, so I just know most of this stuff. I'll definitely make a couple changes to it. Thanks!

Elaine, TheEpicTurtle



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Sat May 27, 2017 6:52 pm
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naxoll wrote a review...



Hey. This is a very good and interesting short story. I like how you've matched the weather with the atmosphere in the house, and you've done a very good job at conveying that the protagonist is used to the constant arguments in the house. I also like how you've made the story very realistic by having the protagonist talk with her friend during the argument, and you've talked a bit about how the protagonist deals with the arguments: "... I wouldn't have the sound of the furnace to cover up part of their conversation".

I understand that this is meant to be a short story, but I think that it could have been better if you had expanded more on how the protagonist deals with the arguments. Maybe the argument could have escalated or restarted, and then as a response the protagonist did something to ignore it (maybe drawing/exercise?).

Also, I think that Tara asking her if she wanted to talk was a bit sudden - it almost came out of nowhere, and I think it would be unrealistic that Tara would know that the protagonist wasn't in a good mood because of the argument (of course, unless Tara always asked the protagonist this whenever they talked, but I think that would be unrealistic as well and you haven't said anything to hint this). Maybe you could have had them talk for a bit before Tara notices that the protagonist isn't in a good mood because she's giving unusually short answers?

Overall, this was a very good story, and maybe you could have improved it if you had explained one or two things in more detail.






Thanks for your review naxoll! I wasn't quite sure how to describe some of the things you mentioned without sounding to overdescriptive, but I'll try to figure it out. Thanks again!

Elaine, TheEpicTurtle


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naxoll says...


Glad I could help. If you feel that the story will become too descriptive, don't bother changing the story too much - it's very good as it is.




All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe