Sort of Wine
Crimson swirls in the water beneath
My dripping fingers.
It’s a funny thing
To watch
To realize that this is it
This is your lifestuff
Pouring out so arbitrarily.
A funny thing.
There is so much
Oceans it seems
As if it could never run dry.
Is there more
Than that?
Or are we just vessels for this running wine
Chalices of this scarlet nectar
To one day be drunk dry
And then
Tossed aside?
The taste of iron drips
And actually
It doesn’t taste so bad.
When it’s gone
And the cup is empty
And there is no more taste
Or smell, or color,
The water has run with the wine
There will be one question.
Was it drunk in full, or was it wasted?
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I sort of liked this. Your metaphors were great I just feel like more feeling is needed in this. Not really feeling but more description I guess I should say. And not even that much, just some minor polishing touches should make this really good. Great job.
Keep it up!
-Rieda
dont call people bitches!! its mean!! unless you have a good reason to. Incan, did the muse do anything to you that gave her the title of the name "bitch"???
who is the muse anyway...?
Scribe: hmmmm, very interesting. I'm not too good on giving technical crits for poems, but it made me look at something in a different way, and that's always good.
The muse is not a bitch. I fancy that she's treated me very well, in prosaic pursuits. She simply doesn't much care for me to pursue poetics, unfortunately. What's a "machine-gun" line?
TheEccentricScribe -
This is the worst of the pieces you've posted in terms of establishing yourself as a poet.
Your last couple of pieces are probing for a style, a firm voice, but they seem to stumble and fall short of what the poetic gods intended. The muse is a bitch, and always has been. Take comfort in that.
And trash this.
The machine-gun lines don't pull any effect off other than nausea and signal "amateur" to everyone else. The production of a poem based on prepositions and conjunctions will never escape the rank of beginner's work.
Best,
Brad