My Clumsy, Calloused Hand

TheEccentricScribe wrote:My Clumsy, Calloused Hand


More precious than diamonds
fragile as glass.
I asked for its beauty
it was given.
The sun shone through in millions of
glowing motes of scintillating soulmates,
dancing like fairies and rainbows
laughing fighting crying
I'm sorry, let's just shut up
and hold each other.
The simple expectation of a ringing phone
that sweet, sweet voice
groans at my bad jokes
how strong those little hands could be
when the valley was deep.
My hand was too callous
I smashed what was mine to protect
it shattered and spilled
my fingers are wet with blood and
tears.
When I broke what I was given,
I broke what I gave, too.

Look familiar? It's your poem, with one important difference: I took out all the "ands", except for the few I thought were actually needed. "And" is not a significant, and you do your piece no justice by repeating it so much. Replace all those "ands" I took out with punctuation marks and stronger connecting words. This alone will improve the quality immensely.

Now that I got rid of the and's, I can actually look at the poem. Some parts sound really cool, but overall, it seems scattered. One second you're talking about fairies and rainbows, the next you seem to refer to a significant other, and then we get to using your calloused hand to break something. There's no real flow between these and it sounds more like a freewrite. Make your connections a bit clearer. Perhaps using stanzas would help organize these thoughts.

Okay, now I'll close on a positive note. I liked this bit:

The sun shone through in millions of
glowing motes of scintillating soulmates,

Keep writing!