Situation 1
Lysisa had Danica on her knees, he struck her and she fell to the floor. Jesse busted through the door, Lysisa was terrified he did not know that she had a brother. Jesse grabbed his father’s staph and started swing it at him. Full of rage he struck Lysisa to the ground, Jesse raised the staph in the air, quickly and unknowingly Lysisa grabbed the dagger that he had hidden. As Jesse came towards him Lysisa thrust’s the weapon into him. Jesse looked down at it, he fell to the ground. Lysisa got up; he looked back at Danica who was curled up in a nearby corner. He yelled “I will be back, to finish what I started!” then he left.
Situation 2
After Danica was struck to the floor she quickly regained her footing and ran to get help. She ran as fast as she could. Benjamin was on the road back from the market. She ran to him, breathless she explained to him. “And then Jesse ran in with father’s staph…” “Stay here with the sheep, I will go and fight this man alongside my brother.” He started running towards the house, he yelled back to her “Don’t go near the house until Jesse or I call for you.” Danica nodded in agreement. He turned and sprinted towards their home. He got there and Jesse had the man cowering for his life, but Jesse would not have it, he raised the staph over his head, Benjamin saw that Lysisa was grabbing something from his sandals. He yelled out “Jesse watch out!” Jesse turned to his brother, he yelled “Get out of here; I don’t want you to see this man die by my hand.” He turned back to the man. Lysisa plunged the knife into Jesse, Benjamin yelled “No!” the man quickly came to his feet and ran out the door. From the distance Danica say Lysisa running out the door. “Dear God, no” she ran to the house. She came to the door way where she saw Benjamin holding Jesse’s head off the floor. Danica covered her mouth and looked away. She could hear Jesse wheezing trying to breath. He was dying; he sister ran over to him. He whispered “Danielle” He took his last breath. Benjamin held his brother head; he brought it up to his face. He looked up in anguish. He got up “stay here” he commanded. Danica looked at Benjamin than again at Jesse. She nodded, Benjamin ran out the door. Danica cried “this is my fault” she laid her head down in her brother’s body and wept. Benjamin ran as fast as he could towards the town. He ran to the well, he asked the women there “have you seen a man in Greek’s clothing?” when none of them said that they had seen him, he started to run again. One woman yelled out to him “Man wait!” He turned to the women. “Yes?” She told him “I am one of the women from the well.” “Is there anything I can help you with?” “The man you’re looking for I have seen him” “If you have seen him, why didn’t you speak up when I asked?” “I wanted to but that women said something before I could.” Benjamin chuckled “Tell me women” “If you don’t mind me asking what has this man done?” To the women he said “He robed my family from that is all you need to know. Now where did you see this man?” She pointed to where she saw the man “Thank you, say here so I may think you after I catch this man.” She nodded. He ran off to find Lysisa.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is a pretty cut and dry scene there. A little on the faster side pacing wise although for this particular style of scene that works out better than it would for most other scenes. The shorter size and said makes for a powerful quick scene that just feels like a few punches being laid out there and I think it works nicely although the shock of it all is perhaps a bit muted with said faster pacing. A couple more lingering moments could make it more powerful I feel.
Hmm...well this second situation here offers a lot more of a story here. Before I get into that though I will say this particular one has reached a length where splitting into a couple or perhaps even three paragraphs is quite necessary here. As it stands this won't quite work as the flow is a bit disjointed and its just a bit hard to read in this form.
Past that little issue though, I think you've done a pretty solid job of things in this piece. It adds a little more story to things and unlike simple shock value now there is more of a sense of stakes here and things work a bit better. The dialogue still feels a little scripted and rigid to me, it might be me, but I feel like its sort of designed to convey emotion more than anything else and you may want to look into that a bit. Otherwise I'd say situation two is better but it does also need a few improvements here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Heya Ease!
xx
Welcome to YWS (I can see that you're a new member)
First one: It's quite plain. There isn't much description although I'm sure once you pick one you'll add more in. I do like the idea and the ending though!
Second one: I like this a lot, however I have to agree with Tenyo, it's too dragged out. I do like how it's more than the first one, and gives more of an idea though.
So, my decision is the first one. It (in my opinion) is more exciting even though very short. Gee you're going to have a hard time picking one haha
Agreeing with Tenyo (again) they do both need work. It's really cool though, and keep writing!
~Tamara
Hey Ease.
I like the second best.
Th first gets straight to the point, and the second does drag a little. On the other hand the first is quite bland and has a 'this happened and that happened and this happened' kind of flow to it. The second is longer and so there's more to read through, but the extra little bits of description and the thought processes make it much more interesting, and pull your reader into the story more.
Both, of course, need some work, but another great thing about having a longer piece is that you've got more to play around with when you come to edit later.
Hope this helps.
-Ten