Published January 15, 2013
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
This was , breathtaking, Ive beein going through the same thing where you love someone who doesnt love you , its hard to let go. This was very detailed, maybe create some more imagery , so i can be there with you during this experience, This was realy goood.
To put it simply: I think there are too many questions.
I think your poem would be stronger if you tried to answer those questions. That's harder, for sure, but poetry should be hard.
You've got some issues with tense and phrasing, too. See here:
This could be said with more brevity. You pretty much say the same thing twice, and the first part -- I have had dreams -- is implied by the other two. The third line could easily be added into the first two. Your other problem is this is excessively passive. Always go for the active verb unless you have a specific reason for passivity. Since this is narrated, it is much more powerful to say "I dream--" or "My dreams" rather than "I have had dreams", especially as on the third line you suggest the dreams are ongoing.
Try and think of way you can pack punch into every word you use. Poetry has no space for superfluous phrases and needless repetition. You can't be wordy and get away with it like you can with prose.
So something like "I dream of the forbidden / Every night they torture me" is an example of something more active, more punchy, and less wordy than the current start to your poem.
I won't go through the rest, because this is your poem and not mine, and the choices are yours. But the edit I did is an example of what you need to do with this. Consider every line, every idea, every word. Consider whether you need it at all. Does it add anything to what you're trying to say? If not, cut it. Find any passive verbs and purge them. When you've got long lines, consider whether you could write them with more brevity. Saying more with less is one of the best ways to make your poem memorable.
There are other things that need work in here, such as your line breaks and your imagery, but I think I've left you with enough for now.
Good luck with revisions.
This is a very exquisite poem. I literally felt like I was experiencing, while I read, what you where portraying. The feeling of fulfillment when you have the dreams, then the confusion for not understanding them, and lastly (if I'm correct) frustration for them not being yours. Now let's see...you do have quite a few errors in word placement but they're fixable. But, overall, it's a great poem you just need to work. Sorry if it ain't a longer review but I'm still working on my reviewing skills. So that's it. And again beautiful poem and keep writing I want to see more.
This is a very exquisite poem. I literally felt like I was experiencing, while I read, what you where portraying. The feeling of fulfillment when you have the dreams, then the confusion for not understanding them, and lastly (if I'm correct) frustration for them not being yours. Now let's see...you do have quite a few errors in word placement but they're fixable. But, overall, it's a great poem you just need to work. Sorry if it ain't a longer review but I'm still working on my reviewing skills. So that's it. And again beautiful poem and keep writing I want to see more.
Hi, TheEaseDropper.
I'm GeeLyria, and I will be reviewing your piece right now.
- This poem is good. I cannot deny you have the potential to write something fantastic. However, this one piece is still not perfect. It needs some changes here and there. You know, some switching and mending, in order for it to flow better. And that could be quite easy to do, considering you already have this draft completed.
- I want you to take a look at your poem, without reading the words; just look at its physical appearance. I noticed some things while reading it, and one of them is the lack of consistency when it comes to the length of the lines; some are unnecessarily long. Uniformity is essential when it comes to writing, for that is what stimulates the reader to make the decision to read.
- Punctuation! Punctuation exists for a reason; it closes phases, and it is fabulous when it is perfectly placed in order to make the flow more likable.
I've made some changes to your first lines, to show you what I mean:
Also, I must mention that your title provokes curiosity, and that is something I must congratulate you for. Epic stuff!<3 However, since it is so catchy and it leaves the reader so happy, I'd suggest you to finish it with the exact same question. Here's what I propose:
And...... That's pretty much all I've got to say. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
~GeeLyria
Hello.
I like that the majority of the poem is in questions. It mirrors the feeling of the poem and adds a very nice style and touch.
I noticed, though, that there are a few typos, probably just a result of quick typing:
"Why do they make me urn things I should not?"
Perhaps you meant 'earn things' ?
"When will it be my turn to be wrapped in a lovers embrace?"
Small mistake: the 'lovers' should have an apostrophe: 'lover's'
Also, just something I noticed about this line - the tone of it is a bit childish, I think, a bit pouty is all.
"How does one mourn for the loss for a lover's dream?"
I think you meant 'for the loss of a lover's dream'...Although this line has a beautiful tone to it, it doesn't really make very much sense. The speaker is not mourning for the loss of the lover's dream, she is mourning for the loss of the lover she never had, in HER dream.
"...when the thing you long for the most was never to be yours to being with"
First of all, I believe you meant 'begin', not 'being' at the end of the line. This line also does not make complete sense gramatically. It would make more sense if it was just:
'when the thing you long for the most was never yours to begin with"
If I am interpreting the meaning correctly, you don't even need the 'to be' in the middle.
If I am not interpreting it correctly, then my changed version might not make sense anymore. Either way, this was the meaning I understood from it.
Although I do like the theme of the dream, I think it gets a big over-repeated in the beginning of the poem. Some repetition is awesome, but this is just a bit too much. One last thing: the repetition of the word "wondering" near the beginning, both at the end of the line and the beginning, is not necessary and does not add to the flow of the poem.
Otherwise, I thought the theme was well expressed and the poem flowed very well. Thank you for sharing!
BlueRaspberry
Hey there.
Lots of rhetorical questions. Cool beans. I like them. My favorite line is the second to last one. "the loss of a lover's dream" has a really nice ring to it. Also, the pacing is nice and fast. I get the feelings you're feeling when you wrote this.
Suggestions:
Perhaps you should break up the lines a little more. As is, it's a menacing block of text on my screen that looks like prose more than it does poetry.
Make the last line a question, too.
If you break it up more, like I suggested above, you could make each question its own stanza.
"How can the world be so cruel?" I don't think you need this here. It sounds a bit cliche, and takes away from the whole poem. We understand you feel this way, but the rest of your poem hints that you are. So don't tell us by asking that.
"why do they make me urn things I should not?" Uh, urn? I don't know what you mean here.
I like how you keep dreams consistent throughout the whole poem. You talk about them at beginning and end. Nice.
I hope this helped a little. Happy writing!