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Never Hers

by TheDancerwhoWrites

She sits behind smiling,

though she wants to cry 

She thinks about the bully 

Who kills and kills her.

She thinks about the friends 

Who weren't really hers 

Then she cries about the boy 

Who didn't like her.

She cries about the life 

She thought she had.

Then she realizes,

It was NEVER hers.

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60 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 60

Sat Mar 19, 2016 5:41 pm
copgraveyard wrote a review...

i don't get this.

this brought no emotional catharsis to me. this is generic and beaten to a bloody pulp. you talk about the girl who fake smiles, who has a bully, who has fake friends, and who has a boy that doesn't like her. when is it something we haven't seen before? the last line makes no sense, even with the silly emphasis you put on never. it doesn't hit any sweet spots with me, it is just insanely underwhelming. if i could suggest anything, it would be to try to shine it under a different light. bring something new and refreshing. if not, you get poetry like this. don't try to have sometthing bland, have something that varies.


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67 Reviews

Points: 149
Reviews: 67

Mon Mar 14, 2016 3:30 am
PancakeandWaffle wrote a review...

Hello! Waffle here to review your poetry :)
Nothing better then a fresh new member willing to show off some skills!
The ultimate flow of the poem (the consistency,) is a bit of everything, which isn't necessarily a good thing. On the second line, where it says "though she wants to cry" should be capitalized, and should end with a period. Like this: "Though she wants to cry." There are a few things I would change, so I am going to write the poem again with a few differences :)

She sits behind smiling,
Though she wants to cry.
She thinks about that bully,
Who continues to kill her. (You could add the word "inside." at the end, as well.)
She thinks about those friends,
Who weren't really hers.
Then she cries about the boy,
Who despised her.
She cries about this life,
This life she thought was hers.
Then, she realizes;
It Was

This is totally just my opinion, you can keep it the way you like it. Great poem!!! Keep writing!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Mon Mar 14, 2016 1:23 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there TheDancerwhoWrites and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review this poem.

The emotions here are fairly common and relatable, which is a double-edged sword when it comes to writing poetry. On the one hand, you want the reader to be able to understand and maybe even identify with the emotions expressed in the poem. On the other, when you write about emotions and abstract ideas, you run the risk of sounding too common, running into cliches and making the reader feel like they've read this before.

The first two lines take me into that "haven't I read this before?" space, and the rest of this piece also feels too familiar. It presents several possibly interesting subjects, but with such broad strokes that it doesn't really capture my interest. As a reader, I don't want to be told about the speaker's emotions. I want to sense what makes them feel that way.

How do you do that in a poem? Get specific. Use imagery and focus on specific moments. Show me her friend's betrayal, this guy's rejection, etc. Find details that are unique to this story so it conveys these universal emotions without just telling them. Here's an article with more information about this: Emotional Poetry

I understand that this is your first time writing poetry, so awesome job for getting started! As you continue writing and reading poetry, your own voice will become stronger, so keep writing! :D

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Thanks for your suggestions!! I'll keep them in mind next time I write

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15 Reviews

Points: 200
Reviews: 15

Mon Mar 14, 2016 12:59 am
JeffRWoodridge wrote a review...

For your first shot at Poetry, you should be proud to have such a good start. I feel that Poesy in a basic form is often an in-depth message conveyed through rhythm. The message of course is deep and the rhythm is identifiable, at least at first. To start with some pros: Like I said the theme is deep and is a pain far too common for many people today, you really captured the essence of plenty of problems and the heart-wrenching conclusion too many sufferers come to, kudos for such an analysis. Another strong point, the lines follow a 7-5 syllable format adding on to the rhythm aspect, it's an excellent exercise to format your poems, freestyle is alright, but kind of just a short story. Now for some cons: Like I referenced prior, the last four lines don't match the previous pattern, so when you say it out loud, the rhythm breaks. Another con, though it's more of nitpicking, is punctuation. It's just a little hesitating seeing sentences not end with a period. Other than that I feel this poem could go deeper but it's up to you what you want to add. Overall it's a nice poem with a nice theme but could be expanded on and improved for a better piece of work.

Random avatar

Thanks for your advice!! I'll keep those things in mind next time I write poetry!

What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
— Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu