Published December 14, 2008
I have not been on for a while, but I am ready to start submiting again. Here we go.
Dead
Left broken,
left for dead,
They put a bullet in my head.
The sun goes dark.
Then sky turns red.
And all I can do is wish I was dead.
I was left broken,
left for dead,
So I put a put a bullet in my head
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
The fourth line of the first stanza: Loved it.
The first stanza is perfect, I wouldn't change a thing.
The first line of the second stanza: It seems your going with a pattern here with the first two lines of the stanzas, so either insert a "I was" in the first stanza or delete in this one. However if you did insert an "I was" in the first line of the first stanza, I would also recommend to put it in the second line of each as well.
Third line of the second stanza: Good ending, though it feels like you should have added another line or two before it, or just make the entire poem one stanza.
Overall, very nice, wouldn't mind if you had expanded just a tad more.
Hey there TheD2.
After reading the poem and seeing the title of it, I thought to myself "How can the narrator have a voice even though he's been shot dead in the head?". That's the first obvious flaw in the piece. But I'm going to give you a benefit of a doubt and pretend that this isn't the case. In which case, let me ask you this "So what if you are left for dead?" "Why did the narrator wished he was dead?" The poem doesn't even make an attempt to explore the matter deeper.
The imagery of the sun and sky is just merely description that goes nowhere since it has nothing to lean on.
The last stanza is just nonsense. The guy is already dead, so how is he able to shoot himself? More importantly, he's already dead so what's the point of repeating the idea that he's dead.
Please reconsider this poem, it is incoherent at the moment.
Andy.
that was really good. but thats probably because i love deep meaningful poetry. good job.
Maybe this is just me, but what exactly are you trying to convey here? I like the poem, maybe it could be a little longer?, but I didn't truly get the whole meaning. Also,
The last line doesn't flow very well with the others. There's too many syllables.All in all, its an ok poem. hope to see more of your writing
I enjoyed this...I write a lot of dark poetry myself, and I must say, this is a pretty good piece.
Maybe it could be a little longer? You know, just search deep inside yourself for more emotion, so you'll have a bigger piece.
Other than that, well done!
8/10 from me!
~PG