It was evening in this isolated part of a hated, volcanic planet - Dragon Eye - but it was dusk in the eyes of the young prince who had lost his loving father to patriotism.There was only so much a little boy of four could possibly take in.
He sat under the shade of his castle, tears rolling down his cheeks. None but the last rays of the sun to console him. He knew not what to feel. Anger or sorrow? He could now hear the first dragons climbing out of their fiery abodes in the lava in the valley of volcanoes he was in.
The sky glowed yellow and red now. That’s how every night had been. He saw this as the perfect time to remember his father’s last words to him.
“Don’t give in to fear, son! There is no life without fear or failure. Venture into the cave underneath this castle. The very heart of Raw-si-Der peak. There, fear will be your downfall, but if you do make it, you’ll gain power beyond your imagination - the truth about why this castle was built on this peak”.
The entrance to the cave was very well in his view from where he sat. He got up. His tears instantly evaporated into a vapour of courage. He summoned his strength and courage and ventured into the cave.
It was dark. Not even the volcanic red glow from outside could penetrate the deep of the cave. Now the only red glow he saw was that he saw ahead in the cave. It was a dot of red that soon became a pin, which became a knife, that slowly turned into a sword as he got closer to it.
It was protruding out of a rock and it seemed to be made of a strange metal that glowed red and appeared to be hotter than all the lava he'd ever seen, but as he got closer, the sorroundings got colder. The metal glowed a brighter red with each step he took towards it, and then all of a sudden; it stopped glowing. He picked it up. Right then, the silence of the cave was shattered by a thundering roar and he dropped the sword. He watched as the sword turned into something he hadn’t seen in his worst nightmares.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey!
I'm here to review this piece of yours as a part of the checklist challenge prizes! This is only one of two reviews, but worry not, the second one will probably be for the first chapter of this story. (Also sorry for the delay with the prizes, much apologies >.>)
Alright, time to review!
Ooh interesting, a volcanic planet, interesting indeed! Also the name of the planet is a nice different. I like it!
Also :/ poor kid. That must be tough <3 One quick thing though, the prince is four, so I'd assume that he would most likely just be wondering where his father went rather than knowing that his father passed away. He's quite young like you mentioned, so I don't think a lil bebe prince would be able to understand the fact that his father is never going to come back? Y'know what I mean?
I feel like anger wouldn't really be an emotion unless someone had killed him or this young prince is denying the fact that his father passed away and he's angry at everyone else for thinking so. Or there's just a lot going on and he's angry at something else lol. I can definitely see why he'd be sorrowful though <3
Ahh there's three in's in this sentence and that threw me off o.O Maybe you could change it to something like: From the fiery abodes within the valley of volcanoes, he could now hear the first dragons climbing out. <~ this could be a possibility? Or you could chop it into two sentences? Nah though, it looks like a decent sized sentence to me.
I'm not much of a dragon expert but dragons can survive in lava??? :O Or is it just in your story? Because !! Cool
gosh I wonder how though
The first thing I noticed about this was the fact that Der backward is red, and idk but that made me go "what" and now I'm just wondering what "war is red" or "red is war" means or if it even has importance to the story so o.o Honestly though, these last words that came from the four year old prince's father is quite, uh, intriguing. I wonder if a four year old would even care about what his father said to him? I'm pretty sure I always ignored everyone and anyone haha. Also why would a father say something so stress-worthy to a four year old kid why not to someone else ahhh
bro yes I support you be brave be strong but don't die (Also I love this sentence. Probably my favorite in the whole prologue)
This is quite blunt, maybe spicen it up a bit?
Biryani masala spice?The darkness suffocated him. Or maybe he has a fear of the dark! Afterall, he is four years old. Something like that, y'know?*what - I'm pretty sure
This imagery is coolness to my eyes, Myth. Love it!
Ahhh this cliffhangerrr. What in the world could it possibly be?? A hideous dragon? A weird monster?? An object??? A weirdo genie???? Goodness gracious I am most definitely going to read the next chapter thank you very muchly.
Anyway, this is a cool prologue! I'm going to give the first chapter a read and review for sure, and I'll probably move on to the second and third too. >.> Hopefully this review was of help somehow. Let me know if you have any questions or if something didn't make sense - I'd be happy to clarify!
Wishing you a singing, dancing good time <3
~Lib
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hello, dropping into this early in the morning. This should be done within the next couple of hours.
First Impression: Okay. Pretty interesting prologue there. It's certainly very short and to the point; all good things for a prologue. From the first read through it was definitely great at hooking the reader. Immediately you want to go read what all of that means so great job there.
Anyway let's get to the nitpicks,
To be honest there really isn't much that a little boy of four could do. I'm not sure if in this planet children mature faster than regular humans but four just seems a bit too young to be dealing with this sort of thing. At this age you just can't process much.
This in the is a bit repetitive and this whole part is also pretty much unnecessary. Earlier you mention its a volcanic planet so once you mention we can easily assume its some sort of volcano ridden area. Later maybe you could elaborate on the valley thing but squeezing it in right here is a little awkward.
That should be surroundings.
And here the description is pretty good. You get a pretty good image of what's going on and that last line builds the tension very well.
And that's it for this prologue.
Overall: Okay so overall, this is a pretty damn good prologue. Besides the whole this child is literally four years old part which can be overlooked because this is clearly not a human child the tension is built pretty well. A pretty interesting sounding plot is brought out with the father having died and the child looking for some symbol of power or something like that. I certainly would have kept reading after this.
I hope there wasn't anything repeated from the previous reviews. And of course remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hehe Harry. Thanks for all the nitpick so. I truly make the most stupid mistakes. Thanks again. Imma head over to read the other reviews now.
Your Welcome!!
Hello, Grav, I'm here to start reviewing your work ^^ I know you gave me it a few weeks ago, but I wanted to wait for Team Tortoise to start. So, let's begin!
It was evening in this isolated part of a hated, volcanic planet - Dragon Eye - but it was dusk in the eyes of the young prince who had lost his loving father to patriotism.There was only so much a little boy of 4 could possibly take in.
Okay, so you're using italics to state that this is the past, or the prologue or whatever. That's pretty neat, no comments there, it's just unneeded. Also, maybe don't give so much away, keep it a bit more mysterious, it's the prologue, entice people by keeping things nameless at first, give it a mysterious feel. They may know the Jack Frost story (I don't) but don't give too much away in the beginning, trust me.
Lastly, type four instead of 4, it flows better.
“Don’t give in to fear, son! There is no life without fear or failure. Venture into the cave underneath this castle. The very heart of Raw-si-Der peak. There, fear will be your downfall, but if you do make it, you’ll gain power beyond your imagination - the truth about why this castle was built on this peak”.
Again, wordy. I get you're trying to put many things in while explaining the set-up but it could be explained a tad bit better, this doesn't feel like the way people speak to each other.
The metal glowed redder and redder as he approached it and suddenly it stopped glowing. He picked it up.
Oof, Tem, this line is not well-written. This seems like such a cool story, so allow me to re-write in a more flowy way.
The metal glowed a brighter red as he (add an adverb here, I'll use one) slowly stepped closer, and then suddenly it extinguished, leaving him in the dark. He reached his hand out cautiously and picked it up.
More description but no random periods to stop the flow, it wasn't too wordy because they weren't little, unnecessary words, and we added some depth to the story.
OVERALL:
This did the job, I am intrigued. You are a pretty talented writer with a good imagination and I can't wait to see the next chapter. just watch out for your flow and word usage.
Jade
Woof, thanks! I wrote this a couple of years ago, but well,
(I SUCK AT WORDING!!! T-T)
Spoiler
Hello Gravitem! I'm here for a quick review!
I don't think I've reviewed your work before so just want to shout out that I don't mean any offence by anything I say. I am here with only good intentions to try and help you!
That being said, lets get down to it!
The biggest thing I noticed is that your paragraph lengths have more or less the same size and although this isn't a mistake, it can disrupt the flow of your amazingly written piece.
“Don’t give in to fear, son! There is no life without fear or failure. Venture into the cave underneath this castle. The very heart of Raw-si-Der peak.
There, fear will be your downfall, but if you do make it, you’ll gain power beyond your imagination - the truth about why this castle was built on this peak”.
I found it odd that you would have this in two separate paragraphs. Usually with dialogue you try and avoid this unless they are giving you a history lesson. That's basically the only exception really. Annnnd if it was together it could help with the paragraph length thing that I pointed out above.
The entrance to the cave was very well in his view from where he sat.
The wording to this was a bit confusing but it could just be because I'm tired. Who knows!
Anyways, that's the boring stuff!
This seems like a book with a lot of action, a lot of emotion and in short, a lot of fun! Dragon - check! Death - check! Fear - check! Awesomeness - CHECK!
It gave a lot of feeling and that's something not everyone can write properly so awesome job on that.
Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter and would love it if you tagged me in the future.
keep up the good work!
Honora
Wow. This makes me really happy!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!
hay, just love this beginning. pls tag me when u post the rest. thanks!
sure!!!
thanks!
Nice avatar. I like cute and grumpy cats like that. I'm a dog person though.
Hey FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you. Won't take long.
Okay to start off, I don't normally read rated works like yours but because I wanted you to post this I thought I might as well. So i was expecting some really bad language, but I didn't see anything, and it wasn't to mature ether, so unless its going to get really bad later I would bring you're rating down. But that is you're choice.
Other than that, what a start to a story, I can already feel this is going to be packed with action, and I'm looking forward to it.
I liked how you added some of the past in, and the explain what was going on, it was done really well and it didn't feel rushed but smooth and flowed really well.
When I started reading I just fell in love with you're description, it was so well done, I could see everything before me, it even felt like I was there experiencing all of it. It just blew me away.
Now the end of the story...WOW! What an ending. I wish it didn't end like that >.< but what better way to keep your readers interested and hooked.
So that's all from me, I'm really glad I said you should post this, it was amazing and I really look forward to the next chapter, so this shows you, you shouldn't doubt yourself, because your just as good as everyone else!
I hope this review was helpful to you, and you will write chapter one and post again soon!
Have a great day or night!
Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!
THANK YOU FEEE!!!!!! I'm gonna write chapter 1 better so you keep on reading. And the rating... Kind of an accident... I'll bring it down
Very fascinating! I am definitely pulled in.
Here's my review:
So, they're on a volcanic island it seems. The name "dragon eye" is really cool, I like it! Anyway, besides the planet, I definitely want to know more! Like, what happened to the kid's dad? Who's the kid's dad? Who's the kid? Giving the reader just enough information to understand the situation a little makes them want to keep reading to figure out the rest, so good job there. I definitely enjoyed reading this.
Very true.
Dragons? I'm in! (I like dragons. Like, a lot.) The question is, are these evil dragons? Good dragons? Mindless brute dragons? I would definitely keep reading to find out, even if it's just because I really like dragons.
"AND if you do make it?" It would be way better to say "BUT if you do make it"
Throughout your little prologue here, you use a lot of "and"s. I would substitute some of them for other words, like in this instance you could write "strength and courage, venturing into the cave," which would be smoother and easier to read anyway. You start with saying "something and something and-" but then then the second "and" isn't followed by another thing; you're moving onto the verb which threw me off when I read it the first time.
Interesting! I always like swords.
What does it look like? All you say is that it's "strange" which doesn't help me picture it in my mind at all.
Nice cliffhanger!
Anyway, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.
YUP I'm making changes right now. GAWD. I might not return to Dragon Eye for a few chapters. Anyway, this was really helpful.
I'll return to Dragon Eye ASAP for you necro!!! Keep reading. I hope you enjoy yourself
Thanks!