Published May 26, 2011
The Beast
By TheCodex
My feet pound the grass under my cleat
My heart hammers to a very fast beat
I’m breathing hard and sweat rolls down my face
I’m running, I’m sprinting, I’m right in the chase
I’m locked in a daring fight of the feet
The sun drags me down with its unsightly heat
I run to the ball, ahead in the game
The black and white beast I shall now tame!
What do you think?
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" My feet pounds the grass under my cleats"; since the first rhyme word is in the plural, cleat should come in plural form too.
Good Writing, short but very well written.
Hi TheCodex,
You've probably read, but you've also been randomly chosen xD
Things I liked
Ooh, that's a really good way to describe how you're running! Nice!
Same again, that was really interesting. I like how you seem to describe your heart as a drum... without saying it XD
Loved this a LOT!
I also like how the ball is 'the beast' XD It reminds me of Lord of the Flies actually...
An amazing way to describe
Football!Soccer! (Football is ze British word for Soccer)Things to be improved
Not a lot...
I'm afraid I didn't really understand that...
Ditto... didn't really understand this either
Overall
Overall, it's really short, but I like it! Just clarify the two bits I pointed out and it will be brilliant!
Keep Poem...ing!
Mac
Hi TheCodex,
You've probably read, but you've also been randomly chosen xD
Things I liked
Ooh, that's a really good way to describe how you're running! Nice!
Same again, that was really interesting. I like how you seem to describe your heart as a drum... without saying it XD
Loved this a LOT!
I also like how the ball is 'the beast' XD It reminds me of Lord of the Flies actually...
Things to be improved
Not a lot...
I'm afraid I didn't really understand that...
[quote]The black and white beast I shall now tame!
This was really good. I liked how you described a soccerball as a beast. I had absolutely no idea what was going on and then BAM! The last line tied it together and it was really cool =] Nicely done.
Hey! This is cool! Soccer? That was just awesome the way you kinda left us hanging and then hit us with it at the end. Great job; this was a really fun poem to read.
I think you need to add pauses and full stops in, but other than that it was awesome! I love the fact in turned out to be foodball in the end.
Keep It Up!
One tip though:
Spoiler
I love it you leave us hanging then BAM! soccer. I was waiting for the monster to come and eat you.
This is very good
I just have a few grammatical corrections/suggestions. They're in a bluish colour.
My feet pound the grass under my cleat cleats?
My heart hammers to a very fast beat If you change the first line to cleats, to make this line rhyme maybe something like :My Heart hammers too fast as it steadily beats...
I’m breathing hard as or a , sweat rolls down my face
I’m running, I’m sprinting, I’m right in the chase
I’m locked in a daring fight of the feet
The sun drags me down, with its unsightly heat
I run to the ball, ahead in the game
The black and white beast I shall now tame!
Overall I really enjoyed this poem! I've never read a poem about soccer before
I just... have to say... I <3 your avatar!!! Road to El Dorado FTW!!!
But anywho...
Feet? Cleat? One is plural while the other is singular... I mean, if you want it to rhyme with "beat", change "feet" to foot, and "pound" to pounds... or just add an s to "cleat", it'll still pretty much rhyme.
Ah! I almost never have poetic insight, but here, I do! I don't think "very" doesn't work well here... I would consider changing to a more descriptive word, "lightning" for example...
Well... I do like this part, however, you can't see heat... "unbearable" might work better... or maybe you meant unsightly in a poetic sense... it just doesn't work literally, naw wut'm sayin'?
I like this, I feel it's a strong ending.
Overall I thought this was a nice, fun little poem XD
--
Tabby
The senstance I bolded needs to be rewritten, I don't think it flows very well
Also, I think you should use periods on every other line. Other than that, I saw nothing to crit. Good job!
Thanks!
Soccer, right? Oh, this was excellent. You definitely caught the mood of the moment very well, I could see and feel everything well. Great job. I can't think of anything to critique you on, so I'll just tell you to keep writing!